


Fitting In

by TheSecretAccomplice



Category: Cow Chop, The Creatures (Youtube RPF)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-03
Updated: 2016-04-14
Packaged: 2018-05-04 19:54:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 20
Words: 63,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5346578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSecretAccomplice/pseuds/TheSecretAccomplice
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>We all have flaws, but some people's are greater than others. As Aleks' seem to consume him and turn him in the wrong direction, he finds himself at a rehabilitation center. He finds others that are like him, broken in similar ways. Has he finally found the respect and love from others that he's needed, or is fitting in next to impossible?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1: Red

(Aleks' POV)

It was beautiful.

The blood. How red. How vibrant. How bold. Marvelous. The way it contrasted greatly against my pale skin was amazing. How it trailed down, slowly, slowly... From the top of my arm to the bottom, it was the most astounding sight I had ever seen. And it would be my last.

It was beautiful. 

For the first time in my life, I was proud of myself. Up until this moment, I didn't like who I was. I was ugly. I was different. I was an outcast, I was pathetic, I was worth nothing. And, I wasn't the only one who thought these things.

They did, too. In fact, they're the ones who made me see this way. It's all because of them. Those kids that teased me when I walked by. Those kids that followed me home almost every day. Those kids who used to beat me up in the alley near my house. Those kids who spit on me, insulted me, threatened to do much worse to me.

And they always did...

They began this reign of woe. This storm cloud above my head. These thoughts never leaving my mind. These beliefs. Ever since they saw me, the name-calling began. It started as one word, one insult, one label. They'd mumble it to me under their breath, laughing whenever I looked up them at the fact that I answered to it. That was who I was known as. Not Aleks.

Faggot.

That was what I would be called. At first, I mean. Throughout the years, the taunting increased from person to person, from ongoing jokes, to other name callings. Yet, the original name wasn't forgotten, no. I was still called that, that faggot kid with no friends. That gay-boy that sits alone. That cocksucker that gets beaten up daily.

But, those weren't as popular as 'cutter'.

Cutter.

That was the new one. The stress had gotten too much for me, so I went to causing myself pain as a solution. But, not everytime do two bads make a good. I once made the mistake of rolling up my shirt sleeve, and that's when they saw. The red line across my wrist. They pointed. They laughed. They made me a new name.

Cutter.

Things just went downhill from there.

I started cutting more, my parents not even noticing. Or, even giving a shit since they were both alcoholics. Plus a fun journey through anger disorder with my father. That was the other reason I cut more, my life was far from normal. Regular. Usual. Which, at that point, I would kill for.

Because, if I were dead, things would be normal.

I've only had one person with me throughout that time, and up with me until now. Domi. My...girlfriend. I know she's only with me because she feels bad. I love her, I do, but our relationship is only based on her sympathy for me. I'm not even sure of why she's stayed this long, we've been out of school for four years, she's been with me since senior year.

Only because she saw the bruises on my face, and her mind told her what to do. Not her heart.

Her mind.

Of course, I've never said that to her face...I couldn't...I love her...

But, she doesn't actually love me. Sometimes I wonder why I love her when I know we can't last much longer.

Especially me. In this condition. The bullying had stopped, but I was scarred from the experiences. What they did to me. What they threatened to do to me. The many times they cornered me, beat the living shit out of me, and left me a throbbing, crying mess. They hurt, the memories. Even though they're in the past, they still make me scared. 

To the point where scared is all I ever feel anymore.

It gets to be too much, too much fear consuming me. I can't control it, it weighs me down further in this black hole of a life. It presses down on my chest, making it hard to breath. Or, stay standing. I collapse due to these attacks as I breath heavily to try and find some air to take in. All because of their teasing. Because of that, I have these attacks.

Panic attacks.

The longest they ever last is ten minutes, they come and go as they please. Those ten minutes are hell, making me feel alone in such a freezing world. My lungs singe from struggling to breath, my fears worsening. No one can save me because I have no one. It's just me, fighting this alone.

Losing this alone.

I'm sick of it all. The memories. The attacks. Hiding the cuts from Domi. She knows they're there, but she likes to pretend that they're not. That I'm okay. That I'm stable. Yet, she knows that I'm not. I'm far from stable. That's what I'm tired of. 

Just being me. 

Aleksandr Marchant.

I cringed at the name. I hated my own name. Who I was, what I looked like, what I enjoyed. It disgusted me as much as it disgusted them. I despised this life I was leading, all the pain being too much. I didn't want to live my life with the agony, attacks, and care from someone who could do that less. I didn't want to live my life this way.

I didn't want to live.

Usually, I had no drive in me. No passion, no inspiration. But, that was my inspiration. The understanding of there being a way out from this world. To be gone from these heavy chains of guilt, fear, and suffering. I didn't have to deal with the outcome of my life, no more nightmares of the past. No more anxiety from the present. No more realizations about the future.

It all wouldn't matter. Just because of a finger on the trigger, or because the chair was kicked from underneath of me. Just because I drove off of into the water, or jumped over the side of a bridge, or took one too many pills. 

Just because of a slice across my wrist.

That was how I would leave. If it took pain away before, it could do it again. Along with my life.

The blood felt warm running down, feeling satisfyingly wonderful against the coolness of my flesh. Warmth. All I was felt was warmth. The drops leaked down my arm, each one representing a grain of sand in the bottom of my timer. Tick...tick...tick... 

I wanted time to run out faster.

I placed the razor blade to my wrist again, running it across the same cut made before, but harder. Deeper against the veins, wanting to see the blood thicken, run quickly, become crimson. I winced in pain, but I was used to it. It wasn't the first time I had done this.

It was the last. 

I took a sharp breath, saying goodbye to the oxygen. I wouldn't have to struggle to earn some anymore, I would finally be free. From the memories. From the aching inside. From the attacks entering my life without warning, and refusing to say farewell.

It would be me saying farewell.

And, I already was.

My vision began to blur, time almost up. Ironically, I had never felt so alive. So proud. So amazed at the sights. The sounds. The feelings. I wanted to smile, but I was too weak. Which was a good thing. I would soon be gone from this hell, without a trace nor care. From me, or anyone else.

Even her.

Her...

"Aleks!"

I lifted my head up feebly to see Domi standing in my doorway, a hand covering her mouth as she gasped in shock. Throughout my fuzzy view, I could see tears running down her face as she neared me, shouting my name over and over. She removed the razor from my hand just as my vision faded entirely.

The world went black. It looked better than the red.

It was beautiful.  
* * * * * * *

I wasn't dead. 

I wanted to be, but I wasn't. I was far from death, I was living. I was alive. I didn't have to open my eyes to know that I was. I laying on something soft, I sure as hell knew it wasn't a cloud. Like I belonged in heaven... I could feel the source of a light above me, it making my head pound. I felt the soreness of my wrist.

I couldn't do anything right. Not even suicide.

I slowly inched my eyes open, the room came into view. I didn't recognize it at all, this wasn't home. The room was mainly all white, except for the blue carpeted floors, and the blue blanket covering me as I slept. I sat up slowly from the bed I was on, unsure of where was, or how I got here.

What was this place? Where was this place? I wanted to shout for help, but I felt too weak. I rested my back against the cement blocked wall painted that eye aching color of white. It was cold, but it felt nice against my sweating self. I let my eyes wander, trying to find any clue of what this place could possibly be.

A door was in the far corner, probably leading to a personal bathroom. There was only one other door to the room, one entrance, one exit. Unless, of course, you were to leave out of the window. But, based on the view, if you were to climb out one, you would most likely plummet to your death.

Death. How refreshing.

The mere topic reminded me of my own experience with it, my eyes trailing down to examine my wrist. I looked down at my right arm through tired eyes. Bandaged. That was right. I had tried to kill myself, and now I was here. Question was, where was here?

I had been 'saved'. I didn't want to be, I didn't ask to be.

I surely didn't deserve to be. 

Just as I closed my eyes and leaned my head back, I heard the sound of the door opening. I lifted my head to see a man around my age walk into the room. "Hey, you're awake." He spoke sweetly, his smile just a bit more. He had brown hair a bit lighter than my own with blue eyes. His clothes were a good distraction from the blandness of the rest of the room, both his shirt and pants were a light teal.

What was this place...a hospital?

Where was Domi? Why did she bring me here? She stayed with me for so long to give me her care, yet she hands me over to a complete stranger. Though he looked kind, I didn't know who to trust. I thought I did in Domi, but she just stabbed the blade in my back.

It hurt worse than my wrist.

"Don't be alarmed, Aleks, I know, at first this place is pretty freaky." The man spoke again, sitting down on the edge of the bed. I sure as hell didn't want to call it mine.

"How do you know my name?" I quietly asked, not being able to speak above a certain tone without my head pounding.

"I know all of my patients names." The man explained, a tender smile at the end. Wait...patient? This was a hospital, but not the one I'm used to. This was a waste of my time, and I didn't want to be here. "I know, 'patient' doesn't sit right, I get it. You don't even know what's going on." His words were as kind as his face.

"You, sir, are residing at Littleton Rehabilitation Center. Original name, I know." He joked, I appreciated his sense of humor, it was something to make me smile. For a quick second... "I'm going to be your carer, the one who tends to you, and watches your progress. My name's Steven." He introduced himself. 

"Where's Domi?" I immediately questioned, needing to know where she had gone in my time wandering through unconsciousness. 

"Don't worry, Aleks. She's okay, she's just in the waiting room outside." He told me, his blue eyes giving me a sense of relief. "Yeah, she brought you here, and told me everything that happened." I watched his eyes glance down at my wrist before meeting mine again.

His smile turned a little sad.

I aimed my head down, back to my wrist. I remembered the blood, it was a sight that took my breath away. But, now the red was gone. No sign of it ever painting my arm. No warmth. No red. 

Only the beige of the bandage.

"Don't worry, Aleks. We're going to take care of you here." I lifted my head back up as Steven spoke again. "I know, at first, this place seems odd. You'd rather be far, far away than have to tell yourself you're in a hospital." Steven was a very understanding person. Maybe, everything wouldn't be so bad.. "But, right now, this is the place you need to be. And, I'm going to try to make you as comfortable as possible. You're going to get the help you need." He assured, nodding his head.

Domi said those same words to me when she promised to take care of me. They didn't help. Nothing helped.

"Would you like to see Dominika before she has to go?" Steven asked, catching my attention by the mention of her. I hesitantly nodded my head, as much as I was upset with her, I loved her. She was the only one I had, even though I knew I really didn't. I shouldn't take her for granted, enjoy what I have.

Until it goes away...

Steven stood up from the bed and inched open the door, waving for Domi to come in. She stepped in cautiously, her eyes filling with concern once she saw me. That was the only compassion from her. No innocent raise of the eyebrows, no comforting smile, no solacing hug...

...when was the last time we even  
hugged...kissed...?

Steven walked out of the room, and shut the door, letting us have our privacy. Or, a sorry excuse for privacy. These wall mocked me, making me feel like there were eyes behind them, watching me. Judging me. It was a feeling I hadn't felt in a long time, since high school. The tantalizing eyes of each person burning into me. My back. My head. My sides.

Alike the physical pain inflicted upon me.

"How are you feeling?" She wondered, her voice quiet as she was considerate of my pounding head.

I met her brown eyes for a quick second before aiming mine towards the window, then the carpet. "I don't know, really." I admitted while shaking my head. That was the truth, I didn't know whether to be scared, or calm. Shy, or confident. Angered, or relieved. Let down, or picked up.

"I'm sorry for disrupting you at all, but I had no other place to take you, Aleks." Domi explained, nervously tugging on one of her bracelets. "Everything was getting to me at once, and...this seemed like my only hope." Yeah...what about mine? 

I didn't answer as I rested my head back against the wall, taking in the reality. I was afraid. I was alone. I was lost. I tried to commit suicide. I had failed. And, now, I was in some mental clinic, being treated like a child. Everything dumbed down to keep me safe, secure, under an unknown person's watch. 

Welcome to Littleton Rehabilitation Center...

"While you were asleep, I went back to the apartment, and packed up some of your stuff while you stay here." She told me, removing a gray duffle bag out from under my bed. Damn it, the bed, the bed... "I don't know how long you'll be here...I'm sorry." She apologized again, but I didn't accept it.

What happened to 'I'm here for you, Aleks'? 'You can trust me, Aleks'? 'You'll be okay', 'I'll help you', 'You're gonna get better'? What happened to 'I love you, Aleks'? All replaced with 'I'm sorry'. Sorry because she couldn't keep her promises. Sorry because I'm not that important to her. Sorry because I hadn't heard her say those three words in almost a year.

And, I'd probably never hear them again.

Domi sighed, tucking a strand of her brown hair behind her ear. "I think I should be going, visiting hours are almost up." She told me. Visiting hours...this wasn't a hospital, this was a prison. "I'll check up on you, alright?" She asked, a smile tugging at her lips.

Forced.

I let go of a silent breath, raising my head up. "Alright." I agreed in a hushed manner, meeting Domi's eyes again. I loved her with all my heart...but I felt nothing in return. 

She rose from the bed and made her way over to me, placing a quick kiss on my forehead. Not on the lips. The forehead. A kiss like that is supposed to mean 'we're cute together'. Our scenario was far from cute. Boyfriend: broken, scared, needing help from a clinic to drive away his dark clouds. Girlfriend: concerned, yet doesn't act on her own. There used to be some care there, but now it was gone.

And, as she left the room, so was Domi.

Steven nodded to her as he entered the room again, this time remaining standing. "It's getting pretty late, almost time for the other patients to be heading to sleep. I think you should, too, try and rest some more." He advised, his expression more sentimental then Domi's.

I barely knew the guy, and he already cared more than Domi ever would. Ever could. Ever did.

"I'll come back tomorrow morning, and  
show you around the place and grab some breakfast. You might be able to talk with other patients, this place might not be so bad with friends." He suggested, giving me a light at the end of the tunnel, but also a fork in the road, the other path ending in darkness.

Having some friends might actually help, having people to rely on, talk with, feel comfortable around. It would be nice. Yet, I wasn't really the social type. I wasn't popular back in school, the marks on my wrists show that well. Would others just criticize me more? Avoid me? Laugh at me? Make my eyes expel more tears?

Every rose has it's thorns...

"Goodnight, Aleks." Steven's mollifying voice told me, his smile just adding onto it. 

"Goodnight, Steven." I replied as I covered my legs with the blanket again. He smiled and nodded before turning off the light, and shutting the door quietly.

I sighed as I rested my head back onto the pillow, not feeling comfortable at all. I didn't want to stay here long, I didn't want to be here at all. But, I really didn't have any other choice. She put me here, she saved my life just to make it harder. Then she left.  
She left me here. With nothing, but a mere out comer in clothes surrounding his occupation. With nothing, but the white and pale blue of the layout of my room. The...room... With nothing, but a gaping hole in my heart, tears filling my eyes, pain continuing to surge from my wrist.

Maybe, Steven was right. Tomorrow would bring a new day, with new attempts, with new goals. Maybe, a friend was what I needed. Just someone to turn to when all else is lost, or crumbling. Even just the sense of knowing you have someone with you, who is like you, can change ones outlook. 

My outlook.

The hard part would be talking to someone. Sitting down with them. Simply just saying 'hello'. Doing that scared me...

...Domi didn't say the words I wanted to hear.

I love you. 

She only whispered lies. 

You'll be okay.


	2. Chapter 2: Beige

White walls. Blue carpets.

My eyes kept shifting between the two.

White walls. Blue carpets. White walls. Blue carpets.

Beige bandage. 

Today would be my first day here out of God knows how many. I wished it wasn't long, it didn't seem like I belonged here. I didn't even belong in a place I was supposed to be... This place made me feel miserable, more miserable than I ever felt. I felt even more rejected, mainly because the reality of no one really being here for me hit me hard.

I always knew Domi didn't really love me liked she claimed at one point. Yet, it made me upset to know that this is what she would do to get rid of me. If she really wanted me gone, she should've let me die. But, no. If she let me die, she wouldn't be able to live with guilt. 

It's always about her.

How could I love someone like her? I know she doesn't care anymore, my life is weighing down on her. She can't deal with the stress, but can't she look past that to see I'm in deeper than she is? That I'm handling more pain? That I'm drowning, and she's just treading water?

That window was starting to sound like a good idea...

I turned my head to the door as I heard a knock, the friendly face of Steven appearing in the window. I vaguely smiled back as he opened the door, at least there was someone here to look forward to seeing. Steven cared for my recovery, but it was hard to think that he was the only one. Just one lone stranger I met not even twenty-four hours ago.

He entered the room, and shut the door with his free hand. His other carried a roll of bandages, he was probably going to change mine. I would get to see it, the mark I made. The scar I made. The memory I made. Steven would experience it with me. Poor guy, everything he has to put up with on a daily basis. 

I only added onto it.

"Hey, Aleks," Steven greeted me, his tone sounding cheerful as he sat on the corner of the bed again, "how did you sleep last night?" He questioned as I sat up fully, letting the blue blanket fall off of my chest. 

"Alright, I guess." I answered, looking down at my bandage again. I was both in fear and wonder of what the mark underneath looked like. Would it look just like the other marks? Thin. A light red. Fading. Or, would it be bold? Thick? Deep? Hematic?

Only time would tell.

"That's good, glad you got some." Steven commented, feeling his eyes studying me. "Uh...before I show you around the center, would it be alright if I re-dress your wound?" He politely requested as I lifted my eyes to see his. I nodded my head, not saying a word. In all honesty, I was a bit afraid to see the scar.

If I were dead, I wouldn't have to deal with the sight of it.

He gently rested my hand in his, my wrist facing up. He unfolded a part of the cloth before unraveling it, around and around. I was afraid of seeing it, but I couldn't keep my eyes off of it. Just wondering what it would look like...

Drumroll, please...

I'm not exactly sure of why, but when the mark was revealed to my eyes, I teared up. This was the reason I was still alive. This was the reason Domi reached her breaking point. This was the reason I was here. This healing mark consuming my wrist.

Talk about 'blood lines'... 

There had been a little blood that had leaked onto the old bandage, staining the fabric. I only glanced at it a quick second before returning to my cut. I remembered digging the metal into my flesh, tearing it apart, and sighing when the blood began to seep through. The only thing this scar did now was cause unexplainable tears.

"It's alright, Aleks." Steven sympathized, beginning to wrap the new bandage of the same color. He covered the redness up quickly, presumably not wanting to see it any longer either. I wiped at my eyes with my left hand as Steven finished up the bandage, keeping it in place.

I kept my eyes down as I took my hand away from Steven's, placing it in my other. I held it close to my chest, seeing the mark was harder than I thought. I did that. I put that on myself. I caused the bleeding, and now the scar tissue branding not only my arm, but my mind.

My eyes...

"Are you hungry at all?" Steven wondered, dipping his head down to see me. I bobbed my head, now that he mentioned it, I was a little famished. He nodded his head towards the door, motioning for me to follow. "Come on, I'll show you around, then we can stop at the cafeteria." He told me, making his way back over towards the door. 

As I stood up from the bed , I was about to put my shoes on, but then noticed something different. They were still the same shoes I always wore, ankle high and gray. But, the laces were removed. "It's just a safety precaution." Steven explained, probably catching my gaze.

I shook my head and slipped them on, without the laces, they were a little big for me. Nonetheless, I walked over towards Steven and ventured after him once leaving...my...room. I should at least try to get used to being here... 

"This is the west wing of the clinic, you and many other patients reside in this area. This is for those who are only here for a limited time, small diagnoses and examinations." Steven began as we walked down the hallway, the tiled floor matching my room. White and pale blue. "The other patients are at lunch, you slept kind of late." He smiled. "Don't worry, the tour won't take much longer."

"What are the other wings for?" I questioned, still holding my bandaged wrist in my other hand. 

"The north wing," Steven explained as we turned a corner, "is for patients under the age of eighteen who are undergoing their own personal treatments." Steven swallowed before continuing. "The east wing is for the handicap who need certain and specific needs, and types of help. The south wing...

"...that's for patients who aren't going to be leaving anytime soon. Their cases are much more...serious, for lack of a better word." His smile faded for a small minute. I turned my head down another hallway, a barricade of two doors separated me from the other side.

"What's that for?" I questioned, Steven turning his head towards the direction I pointed.

"That's an area for patients who need critical supervision." Steven told me, the door passing us as we walked on. "They've tried to find a way out of here, whether it being escaping physically, or...spiritually..." He didn't need to say more. 

We were quiet for a moment or so longer before Steven's smile returned again as he opened another door. "Here we go, this is what I've been wanting to show you."

He led me into a room alike a lobby, large foyer with many rooms, a few patients walking from place to place. "This is where most of your time will most likely be spent." He informed me, looking around the place himself. "There's a library if you like to read, a gymnasium if you want to get some exercise, as well as a nice area outside to relax. There's an art room," He said, pointing to the door just down from the library, "if you like to draw, or paint, what have you.

"If you enjoy, or play, any music, there's a room not so far down on the other side where you can mess around with a few of the instruments." I looked over at the door, and found a small smile tugging at my lips. "Do you play anything?" Steven wondered, grinning along with me.

"I play bass, guitar, and some ukulele." I told him as his smile grew larger.

"Well, that room might be exactly where I find you." He giggled slightly as I looked back over to the door. Through the rectangular window, I saw a usual brown guitar resting in its stand. This place didn't seem so bad... "Anyway," Steven went on, "right down that hallway there, and to the right is the cafeteria. That's pretty much it for now, if you have any questions about any other rooms or activities, you just ask me. Why don't you go on ahead, and get something to eat? I'll catch up with you later."

I nodded as I went on ahead, Steven retreating back to the west wing. I let out a quiet breath as I walked past the music room, my eye catching that guitar once again. It had been a while since I had strummed those six strings, heard the soothing chords, played any music at all.

Mainly because I got teased whenever I tried to play. Since then, the music stopped, my guitar just gathering dust in the back of my closet. Untouched. That was my music: silence.

I walked down the hallway Steven had pointed to, and headed right, but my head turned left. There was another door, one Steven forgot to mention. It was an office, the name of the owner on a nameplate next to the door. 

Dr. Edwin Cardona.

I guess I'll be meeting him soon... 

I didn't like hospitals that much, let alone doctors. They made me feel awkward, having them ask personal questions, you having to answer them whether you like it, or not. They'd tell you what to do, how to do it, barely giving you freedom. But, I really didn't have much to begin with, so what was there to lose?

I sighed and brought my head back to the cafeteria. I was dreading this all last night, Steven had wanted me to try and talk with someone. Yet, he didn't know I was uneasy with being social. I never had been, and whenever I tried to be, I still ended up with no friends.

Why would this be any different?

I pulled open the door and took a step inside, meeting a room filled with a numerous amount of patients at various tables. All eating and talking, the feeling of being back in high school returned. No one wanted me at their table, I'd sit alone at one, either reading, or writing. It was peaceful, but lonely. I longed for someone to sit with and talk to, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.

And, no one dared to come to me. 

Except a brunette with the prettiest face one a day in my senior year.

 

"Are you alright?" She asked as I looked up from my book to see her standing next to me. I could still remember what she looked like that day. Her hair was pulled back into a braid, her orange shirt had slits on either side, revealing her shoulders, her pants black, and shoes floral. 

"You had this mark on your face that I saw...are you okay?" She wondered, rephrasing her question.

I nodded my head. "Yeah, it doesn't hurt much." I told her as I ran my fingers over the bruise on my cheek made yesterday by those kids. Her expression turned concerned, a feeling, at the time, that was unusual to see from others. 

"I'm sorry for what happened to you." She   
sympathized as I nodded my head, a bit surprised that anyone had taken the time to notice me. Me, out of all people. "Do you mind if I sit with you?" She wondered as she brushed her braid back.

"No, go ahead." I told her, gesturing to the seat in front of me. For years I had been staring at that chair, wanting for someone to fill it. Now, someone actually did, and for once I was happy. "I'm Aleks." I introduced myself as she smiled at me, her braces showing.

"I'm Dominika. Domi, for short." She   
responded. I couldn't help, but smile back.

Dominika. Such a beautiful name.

I couldn't wait to see her when she visited again.

 

I made my way over to the food court, and grabbed a tray. The food didn't look too appeasing, but at this point, I'd be willing to make my shoes disappear, too. "Hi, are you the new patient?" I heard a feminine voice ask as I looked up behind the counter. A woman with black hair and tan skin smiled at me from the other side, I smiled in return.

"Yes, I am. My name's Aleks." I greeted her shyly, a bit nervous with making conversation.

She must have noticed my timidity as she cocked her head. "Oh, sweetie. There's no reason to be shy, it's all going to be okay here. I'm Monica." She told me, flashing me a toothy grin. "Let's get you some food, I bet you're hungry."

I ended up deciding with the lasagna. It didn't look too appetizing, but I'd be able to keep it down. I held my tray in one hand, and my cup of water in the other, searching for a place to sit. Out of instinct, it felt like the empty table nearest to me was calling my name. 

Empty tables were what I were used to. My empty table.

At least something here I had no trouble calling mine.

I sat down slowly in a seat, fiddling with my lasagna with my plastic fork. If it were metal, it would bring back too many memories. I looked around at the tables surrounding mine, the many people who were like me. Who had their own problems. Who found a way to cope with them, and begin new relationships with others. Friends. 

How I wished I could do the same.

I was used to being alone, but being right here, surrounded by so many people, but no one really with me made me feel upset. Isolated, almost. Avoided. The nicknames resurfaced in my mind, what I would be called whenever I caught one of their eyes. Faggot. Gay-boy. Cocksucker. 

Cutter.

I looked down at my bandaged wrist again. That one fit me best. 

I felt the tears return.

"Um...h-hey, there." I heard a voice greet me. I looked up from my wrist, and at a man to my left. He smiled once I looked up, he was very tall. Blue eyes, like Steven's, bit a bit brighter. His hair was, as well, brown, and a little long. But, he pulled it off, it fit him well.

"Hello." I greeted back, giving the man a half smile in return.

"You new here?" He wondered, sounding interested. Ah...nostalgia...

"Yeah, I just came in last night." I answered as his eyebrows raised, his smile growing a bit wider.

"Well, I know it's not the best of places to say this, but welcome." He joked, I giggled at his humbleness. "What's your name?" He questioned, taking a seat next to me.

"Aleks." I responded, turning my body to face him. "What's yours?"

"I'm Jordan." He answered, smiling along with his reply. "I just noticed that you were sitting alone. W...Would you like to come sit with us?" He wondered, pointing to a table not far down from us. The table was filled with seven other people, all talking with one another. They seemed nice enough...

...yet, looks can be deceiving...

I looked at the table behind him, then back to Jordan again. His smile grew hopeful, I'd feel awful if I didn't agree. "Um...s-sure, that'd be nice. Thank you." He smiled at me again as he gestured for me to follow. I lifted my tray and cup as I pushed in my chair, following Jordan two tables to the left.

"Hey, guys." Jordan greeted the table as the other men looked up. All appeared around my age, I was a bit relieved to know that I wasn't the only one struggling in this world. "This is Aleks, he's new around here. Just came in last night." Jordan introduced me as the others smiled.

"Oh, yeah, you're in Gary's old room. My room's just next door." A man at the far end of the table told me with a smile, he had blonde hair cut short, and glasses. But, you could still see the bags under his eyes...

"Why don't you take a seat?" Another told me, his hair blonde as well, and combed to the side. 

"What happened to Gary?" I questioned, doing as the man instructed, and taking a seat. 

"He was released two days ago, I'm happy for him." The person near the second blonde man spoke, his hair almost reaching his shoulders as it was getting a little long.

Whoever Gary was, he recovered. He got better. He was able to leave. I want to do the same. Hopefully, it wouldn't be long.

"What are all of your names?" I asked, feeling confidence in me for once in my life. I actually had found someone to talk to. Eight people, actually. Maybe things were turning around...

"I'm Dexter, or Dex for short." The man next to me spoke, his British accent heavenly. 

"My name's Joe." The one with the long hair introduced himself.

"I'm Spencer." The next man greeted me. He looked little thin.

"Seamus." He said, nodding his head. 

"I'm Dan." The next person told me, smiling   
before taking a sip of water.

"Kevin." A guy with black hair continued on down the list. He seemed to tense in his seat.

There was one last person at the table who, at the moment, remained nameless. He sat in between Jordan and Kevin, his hair curly and black. He had a light beard and mustache, tan skin, and the most wondrous brown eyes I had ever seen. He looked up at me, and smiled after Kevin had spoken, his smile made me do the same.

"I'm James. If you stay with us, you're gonna be okay here. Nice to meet you, Aleks."


	3. Chapter 3: Purple

This morning went better than expected. With it being my first official day, I already met eight new people. Here I was, afraid to talk to one, and I had already spoken with eight. All very different, but at the same time, so alike. 

Alike me.

Each have their own story, what caused them to walk down this path. Others ran. They have their own reasons, difficulties, bases. But, all are getting they help they deserve. I may not know what they're in here for, why, how, or even when, but what I do know is that they're going to get better. I'm going to get better.

With people with me, I know I can do this.

They were very intricate people, each unique with slight hints of why they were here. Many could have guessed mine based on my bandage. But, other's weren't so revealing as mine. Seamus appeared tired, bags under his eyes as he yawned more often than not. He must not have been getting enough sleep. What was keeping him awake? Or, was it himself?

Spencer looked a little thin, be barely touched at his food. A small bite there, a tiny spoonful here. Not much to call a proper meal. Everything surrounding Joe was in perfect order, his hair, his clothes, his food. Aligned evenly, adjusted accordingly. Perfect. Dex had marks on his arms, primarily around the inside of his elbows. The marks were vague, but you could tell   
what they were from. 

Then, others weren't so obvious. 

Kevin seemed nice enough, yet he didn't seem so open. He'd share a laugh every once in a while, enter in some conversation. Then, he'd become quiet, almost as if he didn't trust us. Anybody, for that matter. I'd see a hint of distrust in his eyes even now and again.

Dan didn't seem as 'banged up' like the rest of us. He looked relatively happy, participating much in the conversations. He seemed normal, no bandages, no marks, no oddities in his personality. The only thing that really stood out to me was that he had trouble remembering things that the others brought up. Nothing came to mind, he drew a blank. But, when he didn't remember, the others didn't urge him to. They shook it off as if it were nothing.

Jordan also seemed pleased as if he had no care in the world. There were no visible signs to see of what could be up with him. He seemed as if he didn't belong here, he should've been released months ago. There was nothing that made him different, he was just a regular guy.

Regular. What I would give to be regular like him.

The most difficult, I'd have to say, to decipher would be James. He was a very bold person, the type of person I'd look up to. Very funny, very comfortable to be around. Nothing of him caught my attention, except for those brown eyes of his. They were beautiful, chocolate orbs glancing up at me every now and again. Other than that, nothing of him made me concerned about   
his condition. 

His long sleeves, however, peaked my interest the slightest bit. Covering up his wrists and most of his hand, his fingers just peeking out a little. Was that just his style, or was he hiding something? I couldn't be too sure anymore. 

But, their flaws didn't make me think less of them. I was like them, trying to find my way back up. I was also hiding what's on the inside, well, the most that I could of it. I finally felt accepted, there was someone in this world who I could actually trust.

Steven wasn't the only one who I looked forward to seeing.

After breakfast, Jordan offered to give me a more personal tour with him, one not so rushed as Steven's was. He brought me into the library, giving us place to talk in peace. We sat down in a lounge area after he had shown me the multiple places of the room, the library was quite large.

"Thanks again for letting me sit with you at lunch." I thanked, making sure to keep my voice quiet. 

"Of course, you just looked like you needed someone to talk with." Jordan replied, sitting up a bit in his seat. I smiled as I looked down, my wrist being the distraction. No one ever thought I needed someone to talk with before. No one ever thought of me before. I didn't have needs to them, I didn't have feelings, I didn't matter. I didn't deserve any friends.

And, my wrists made having any impossible. The cuts only chased them away.

"Is that why you're here?" I heard Jordan ask as I looked up, he must have caught my gaze at my bandage. "If you don't mind me asking." Jordan backed down a bit, not wanting to pressure me. 

As much as it was a touchy subject, I was glad someone was wondering about it. It may have been personal, yet someone out there cared about me. They wanted to know more about me, they were interested. They noticed me. I was glad he was talking with me, even though the topic wasn't so friendly.

"No, that's okay." I told him, nodding my head. "Yeah, this is the reason." I corrected, holding up my arm, gesturing to the bandage. 

"I'm sorry." Jordan apologized, his voice dialing down to a whisper. He sighed before speaking again. "Have you met Dr. Cardona yet?" He wondered as I shook my head, indicating that I hadn't. "You will eventually, he's going to help you. He's helped me a lot, it's good to know yourself the reason why you're here. Not just by what you did." Jordan explained, probably speaking from experience.

"That was me for a little while, not understanding what was going on. I didn't know until Dr. Cardona explained my diagnosis to me." He scratched at the back of his neck, his fingers brushing by his hair.

I looked down, wanting to know more, but not wanting to appear as rude. I wanted to ask him, yet he didn't urge for me to tell him everything. His story, how small it may have been, was pretty uplifting. He experienced the same path that I was walking down, and it was great to hear how he turned everything around. I just wished I knew how.

I wanted to know, but at the same time I didn't.

"I can tell you if you'd like to know." Jordan informed me, making me lift my head back up to him. "It's alright, I was a bit afraid of telling the others at first, but they understood, and helped me. Maybe you could do the same, and if you ever feel comfortable sharing about you, I'd be happy to listen and help." Jordan offered as I smiled, relief beginning to wash over me. 

"Dr. Cardona said that I have moderate depression." Jordan confessed, making sure to keep his voice low. "It all started when my wife and I divorced, it really hit me hard." He began, biting at the nail on his thumb. 

We all have our habits.

"I was really upset, barely ate, didn't sleep that much. I missed her, and I thought I chased her away. I was to blame for our separation." His eyes trailed down the purple rug beneath us. "It got really bad to the point where I didn't get out of bed for a week, and I was considering ending my life."

All of this, and I couldn't even tell from seeing him on the outside. He didn't look bad at all, which proved that recovery works. I could get better like Jordan, and that was my goal.

"After I was thinking about it, I caught myself." Jordan continued, resting his legs on the couch cushion next to him. "I realized I would never think these things. I wasn't myself, and I needed to get out of this hole I had dug." That's how I felt, trapped under so many layers of metaphorical dirt and sediment. "I remember my wife, she worked here, she'd always tell me about the new patients she'd meet. And, how a lot of them got better.

"And that's what I wanted to be. Better." He cleared his throat as I smiled at his story, it was very inspirational. Jordan was a good person, he just lost himself on the wrong path. Everyone makes mistakes, and Jordan wanted to fix his. And, it made me happy to see that he had. "I committed myself here that night, knowing this was the place I had to be. And, with time, I've gotten better. Granted, I still have my bad days. But, they're not as frequent." He finished with a small giggle.

"Who was your wife?" I wondered, fascinated in the conversation.

He smiled as he sighed happily to   
himself. "Have you met Monica?" He asked as I nodded my head, she had been the one in the cafeteria. Such a sweet woman, I wouldn't have had a single clue that she used to be married. To Jordan, would appear even more farfetched.

"Yeah, we were married for three years. The divorce could've ended smoother, but ever since she saw me here...she's done all she can to care for me." A timid smile was shown through on his face. "I'm glad to say we're on good terms." 

"That's amazing." I commented, seeing Jordan's eyes find mine. "Thank you for telling me, I know it probably wasn't easy. But, thank you, this really helps me. Hearing how you've recovered makes me want to do the same. I'm happy for you." I told him, seeing his eyes fill with delight.

"That's sweet of you to say. I'm glad I could help." We both shared a humble laugh.

My eyes found their way back down to the violet carpet, reviewing over Jordan's story in my head. Jordan was like me, sinking further to the bottom to the point where it seemed like the only solution was death. But, then we took different paths. Jordan steered away from it as I attempted it.

Suicide.

Nonetheless, we both found our way here, either willingly or not. But, we're on our way to recover, Jordan almost has. I hope to. And, with all of this help from Jordan and the others, I think I'll turn out okay.

Because right now, 'okay' is a luxury to be.


	4. Chapter 4: Black

I had trouble getting to sleep last night.

I was tired, of course, and for once I was comfortable in such a place. I had no nightmares, my stomach didn't ache, I wasn't up thinking about all the bad things in my life. My bandage wasn't bothering me, nor was the remembrance of the cut beneath. I didn't keep myself awake.

That sound did.

That scream followed by crying.

It came from the room next to mine, the one Seamus said he stayed in. Seamus screamed. Seamus cried. Seamus was keeping me awake. His sobs were quieter than his scream, but loud enough to be heard from how many rooms down. Loud   
enough to chase any sleep away.

Loud enough so that I couldn't help, but listen.

Is this why he had those bags...?

He sounded so helpless. Mumbling for someone or something to stop. His breathing was out of control, his whimpers coming one right after another, I could just imagine the profusion of tears. The redness of his eyes. The bags getting darker. The fatigue losing the battle to do its job.

With him and myself.

I soon heard footsteps make their way down the hallway and to his room, not even hesitating to tend to Seamus. "Seamus, Seamus, it's alright, shh, shh." A masculine voice I didn't recognize spoke as Seamus' cries continued. "Just breathe, Seamus, calm down, breathe." The man spoke again, before humming to him.

This went on for a little while after, the unknown carer softly whispering and murmuring to Seamus. His voice was soothing, even to me, as I felt my eyes begin to close. I listened to his words as well did Seamus, his breathing still somewhat unstable.

"Shh, shh, they're not going to hurt you, Sea." The mystery man told him, his words intriguing me. "They're gone, they're gone. Don't cry, you're alright." Who was gone? What was the man talking about? Was Seamus in danger? Or, was this just another thing I needed to find out?

All noise from Seamus' room seemed to fade, no more whines, cries, yells, or tears. No more calming phrases, reassuring mumbles, comforting words, or tender humming. I suppose Seamus had gone to sleep again, and his carer had left.

But, the quiet didn't fill the space for too long.

"Is everything alright?" Another voice was heard not too far down from my room. It was another I didn't identify, the man had a Hispanic accent. I couldn't see anything from my window as my eyes fell closed again.

"He just had another night terror." The other man spoke. "It wasn't as bad as last time, he's getting some sleep." 

"Alright, good, good." The second stranger commented, his voice hushed. "I want you to get Seamus more involved tomorrow, let him participate in something he'll enjoy. He told me he does like drawing, maybe you could bring him to the art room after breakfast." The man suggested, his words becoming more quiet ad I drifted off.

"I'll make sure to do that." The other agreed. "Night Ed." 

"Goodnight Anthony." Eddie replied.

Art room. Tomorrow. After breakfast. Seamus.

I'll be there.  
* * * * * * * * * 

Once breakfast had ended, the group said our goodbyes for now. It was as enjoyable as yesterday, except for some slight differences. As everyone sat in a different seat as yesterday, Joe remained seated at the same one. Left side of the table, upper right corner. I didn't say anything, though, it probably had to do with OCD. 

Dan didn't really talk much as he did prior to yesterday. He was the social, enjoyable, hilarious type, but today, all of those characteristics faded. Today be was stoic, shy, keeping to himself. He had a smile here and there, but not much past that. Maybe he has a story that can help me, too...

Nothing else other than that seemed to catch my eye, except, of course, James tugging on his sleeves of his shirt. He was gently tugging at the fabric, but keeping it in the same spot, just overlapping his palm. He's another puzzle I'd like to solve.

I made my way into the art room afterwards, catching another glimpse of that guitar in the music room on the way. I couldn't help, but shyly smile, just waiting for a chance for me to play it. But, if I were to, would I only be picked on again? Made fun of? Disappointed in myself?

Would I ever be able to play it? Or, would my worry keep dragging me down?

Walking into the room, I spotted Seamus sitting at a table alone, yet there wasn't many people in the room to begin with, so it was understandable. He looked up as the door closed and smiled once he saw me, waving for me to come over. I did as obliged, taking a seat next to Seamus.

"Hey, Seamus." I greeted him, toying with the new bandage Steven had put on this morning. 

"Hey, Aleks. Glad you decided to come here, it gets kind of boring here without someone to talk to." Seamus remarked while yawning quietly. "It gets kind of poopy." We both laughed at that. He rubbed at his eye under his glasses, trying to rid it of tiredness.

"I hope I didn't keep you up last night." Seamus apologized, adjusting his glasses as he grabbed a colored pencil. "I hadn't a night like that in a long time."

I took myself a piece of paper from the pile. "No, you didn't keep me up." I lied, not wanting Seamus to feel guilty. "I was just little concerned about you, wondering if you were okay." Seamus looked up and smiled, an expression of thanks on his face.

"Yeah, I'm alright, it's was just a bad nightmare, that's all." Seamus explained, sketching away at his paper. "I have them from time to time, they're not as common as they once were." 

I timidly smiled. "That's good, I'm glad you're getting better." I told as I focused on my blank page. Even though Seamus' story wasn't as descriptive as Jordan's, recovery was happening in his, too. I wasn't here from the start to be able to compare and contrast the past and the present, but I took Seamus' word for it.

He was getting better, he said he hadn't had a night like that in forever. They were arriving less and less, which meant he was doing better and better. It still felt like there was something deeper, though, but I didn't want to upset him. What he already explained was enough to make me keep pushing through here.

I couldn't wait to tell Domi how well I was doing here. To see the smile on her face, the brightness of her eyes, the sweetness of her voice, the cuteness of her face. I wasn't too mad at her anymore because of her, I found my path. My path to recovery. To follow in the footsteps of those like me, who inspired me. 

I had so much to tell her. So much to thank her for.

"Hey there, nice of you to join us." I heard a voice approach me as I looked up. A man smiled at me as he neared me, his hair short with a long beard. Both were the color of caramel, and his eyes complemented the shade perfectly. "My name's Joe, what's your name?" He wondered, his face seeming kind. 

"I'm Aleks." I responded, shaking his hand. He didn't even mind the bandage on my wrist, I was glad he didn't bother with it.

"Nice to meet you, Aleks. How have you been doing while at your stay here?" He chuckled innocently.

I couldn't help, but grin at his warm personality. "I've been pretty well so far. Thanks." I answered, feeling Seamus look up at me and smile.

Joe gave me a small smile. "Glad to hear that." He commented. "Well, this is just a place where you can just relax and just doodle what's on your mind. You don't have to be talented, just have a good time." He told me, patting my back lightly. "If you have any questions, or if you need anything, don't be afraid to ask." With one last smile, he was gone.

I stared down at my paper, not knowing what to draw. I never really placed myself into art, I never tried to paint, or draw, or sculpt at all. It never really caught my interest, but why not give it a try now? Joe said to scribble whatever came to mind.

There was only one thing on my mind. So, I drew it. I grabbed a colored pencil, and let my mind run wild.

I'm not even sure of how much time had passed until I took a step back. I looked down at my picture as I let the pencil fall from my hand, and roll across the table. I removed the drawing from the table and placed it in my lap, making sure no one else could see.

They say imagination is more important than knowledge. But, what if your imagination is just surrounded by darkness?

I took a glance over at Seamus' drawing and was taken aback. "Wow..." I heard myself mutter as Seamus looked up from his concentration. He looked briefly at the picture before aiming his head towards me. "That's really good..." I complemented, smiling fondly. 

He stared down at the photo again before, slowly, pushing in closer so I could get a better look. He seemed uncertain by his action, but thanked me for my praise. I stared again at the picture, taking in its wonder and beauty.

The paper was colored black, every corner, every inch was darkness. Except for two figures near the center, both a light shade of gray. A man and a woman were what I made them out to be. Both standing next to one another as I wondered who they could've been.

"They're my parents." Seamus answered, reading my mind. He placed his fingers over top of the two. "They used to fight a lot when I was younger, it really scared me." His voice was quiet. "I guess I carried that fear along with me..." He tilted his head up at the ceiling, concluding his statement without saying any words.

He turned back to the drawing at hand. "They used to fight at night, when they thought I couldn't hear them. I guess that's why I'm afraid of the dark. They still keep me up at night, their bickering and shouts. Sometimes I have nightmares, sometimes to the point where Anthony can't even calm me down." He was speaking of his carer. "But, I haven't been like that for a while, I'm starting to take control of my fear and my sleeping schedule. It's not so bad anymore." 

I beamed while looking at the paper again, it was so marvelous in its entirety. Such deeper meaning behind the shadows, so much detail put into it altogether. It was very lovely, but at the same time, so sad. Sad to know what Seamus had to deal with growing up. The stress at home being taken along with him into adulthood, messing up his life today. But, Seamus was going to be okay. He even sees himself getting better, and if that's not a good sign, then I don't know what is.

"May I see yours?" Seamus questioned, gesturing to the paper in my lap. I looked down at it in my hands, drumming fingers against it nervously. I nodded my head nonetheless, Seamus had shared something deeply personal, I felt as if I needed to return the favor.

I placed the drawing onto the table leisurely, not knowing what Seamus would think of it. I kept my eyes on him the whole time, not wanting to face what my mind and hands had created. "Woah...and you thought mine was cool." I was startled by his statement, I thought he was going to judge it. He thought it was...cool?

I indecisively looked back at the picture, studying it. Alike Seamus', mine was mainly one color: red. All different shades blurring my vision, but red was the last color I would've seen. In the corners and all around the edges was black, light in some areas, dark in others. From when I was fading in and out of consciousness. 

Throughout the colors of death and anger, in the middle of the red was a hand. A hand reaching out towards me, fingers sprawled, waiting for someone to take it. Me to take it. I wasn't even sure of who the hand belonged to, but at the time this photo took place, I assumed it was Domi's. To take her hand and run away from the pain.

Yet, the pain still lingered.

"It's from...this..." I informed Seamus, lifting up my arm and showing off the bandage. His eyebrows tensed with a look of sympathy, realizing what I had done. "All I saw was red...the blood...the hand belonged to my girlfriend, her name's Dominika. She...saved me before death took its toll..." My fingers trailed over one of the dark edges.

"You have a way with words." Seamus noted, a tiny smile showing through. "I'm glad she saved you." He told me, his eyes meeting mine once more. "I'm glad I know someone as amazing as you."

I couldn't help, but smile.

Someone was glad I was alive.


	5. Chapter 5: Tan

I sat next to Seamus come lunch time. He smiled when I took a seat next to him, glad we had gotten to know one another better. Yet, I couldn't help, but feel bad when he yawned. His past was keeping him up, the fact that he was terrified of his parents made my heart sink. The fighting made him afraid, it still did to this day. It made him have a sleeping disorder, something he had to just wait for to get better.

And, it was. That made me smile.

"Aleks." I heard someone ask for my name, as I turned my head to see that it was none other than Dex. His British accent was something refreshing to hear, something to make everyone fall for. I felt it myself, it was overpowering. "We never really got to know much about you." He pointed out, placing down his cup. "Here we are, all knowing about one another, but all we know is that your name is Aleks. Why don't you tell us a little about yourself?" He suggested.

I didn't know what to say, no one ever wanted to know about me. This was a surprise, coming to me out of the blue. No one ever seemed interested to know about me, and whenever they did, I was always ridiculed for it. For who I was, my interests and dislikes, my hobbies, and hopes. Yet, they always crushed the dreams.

I nervously chuckled as I tried to think. "There's not much to tell really." I confessed, earning a slight giggle from Joe. 

"Come on, sure there is!" He urged playfully, smiling boldly. Even his teeth were perfect. "Just think, what do you like to do? Do you have any siblings? What do you want to do when you get out of here?" He gave a few examples.

"There must be something." James spoke up, resting back in his chair. He wore a comforting smile to which dimples were created. I held back a grin as I thought again.

"Well..." I began, tapping two of my fingers against my bandage. "I do like to play videogames." I felt myself begin to blush nervously.

We've got another one!" Spencer joked as the table laughed, including Kevin and Dan. "No need to be embarrassed, we're all videogame fanatics. What else do you like?"

I shrugged my shoulders as I thought on, trying to come up with activities I enjoyed. "I like to run, and box from time to time. I do like to cook, sing a little bit, reading, too-"

"He sure as hell can draw." Seamus added with a smile, I appreciated his words.

"And, I do, well...did, play guitar and bass." I concluded, not knowing what to add from there.

"Did?" Kevin spoke up, that was the first word he had spoken directly towards me. "Why'd you stop?" I felt obliged to answer, not only did he seem interested in knowing more about me, it must have been difficult to ask that question. He seemed a bit uneasy when speaking with me as I was a newcomer, but he has somewhat been more familiar with my presence.

I sighed before answering. "When I got to high school, I started drifting away from playing as I got more...involved with other people and events." I made my around the whole truth, I didn't want to explain my whole sob story right then and there. I didn't say those people were bullies. I didn't say those events were being beaten senseless everyday of my life.

They really didn't fixate on my explanation too much, which I was relieved about. If I felt off telling someone the simplest things about myself, I couldn't imagine how hard my story would be telling. About how I was put down. About how I was threatened. About how I was abused nonstop. About how it changed me. About how I drug that metal across my wrist, wanting to fade away from this world. 

Just fade until no one remembered Aleks Marchant...

When lunch had ended, Steven went to check up on me in my room. He wore his infamous smile when entering the room, I gave a half smile back. I still felt uneasy about Kevin's question before. I'm sure he didn't mean it to be, but his question was deeply personal.

I had stopped playing music because I was getting picked on. It's wasn't just a tease here, an insult there like it usually was. I wanted to join the band in freshman year, I was in the music teacher's room playing my instrument. Those kids must have saw me through the window, and made their way in just to mess with me.

I came home with a massive headache, a giant bruise on my left side, and a bloody nose. My parents didn't even notice. My bass was destroyed, smashed again and again against the floor. Once at me, thus the bruise. After a while, I had bought myself another, but I refused to play it. Afraid it would end up the same way. I would end up the same way.

Now, that bass is in the back of my closet, still in the case.

And, I'm in a rehab clinic.

"Hey there, it's looking like you've made some friends." Steven noted as I nodded my head, proud that I had. I loved the way Steven put it, I made some friends. For the first time in my life, I made some friends. "Well, tell me about them!" His voice sounded enthusiastic as if he really wanted to know other than occupational reasons. 

He sat on the edge of the bed, urging me to tell him. It felt nice that someone wanted to know as much as him. "I made eight, actually..." It sounded better to say it than to think it. Steven smiled wider at my nervous laugh as I continued. "They've all been really nice to me, even though I know a few a bit more than others.

"I haven't gotten to know too much about Spencer, Dan, Kevin, Joe, Dex, or James yet. I hope to, the stories I've heard so far are very inspirational, aside the sad moments." Steven agreed with that, nodding his head. "Yesterday, Jordan told me about himself, it was heartwarming to know that throughout everything, him and Monica are doing good."

"I was glad to here that myself, Monica explained everything to me a while back." Steven explained, his eyes drifting from mine to the blanket. The blue, blue blanket. "Jordan's gotten much better from when he was first here. He used to be very uncooperative and angry. He'd stay in his room for days at a time, he was a going through a rough patch.

"Who else did you learn about?" He wondered, scooting a bit more onto the bed. 

I felt a small smile appear on my face when remembering how Seamus and I had bonded. "I sat with Seamus in the art room today, and I drew with him. He drew a picture of his parents, and explained how his sleeping schedule got messed up. I shared a little bit about myself, and he said he really liked my picture." I looked over to it, propped up against the wall on my bed.

"Can I see?" Steven questioned, his blue eyes seeming to shimmer. I agreed as I lifted the drawing and placed it in Steven's hands. He studied it carefully, amazed by it. "I can tell why Seamus liked it, you never told me you could draw."

"I didn't know I could." We shared a humble laugh. He shook his head admiring it again, biting his lower lip as he smiled once more.

"I'm not sure if you've heard of him, but do you know of Dr. Cardona?" Steven asked, taking his gaze away from the picture. I, again, nodded my head. He was the one who helped the patients, he diagnosed Jordan, presumably Seamus and the others, and hopefully myself.

"Well, I think after you've become more comfortable here, you two will meet. He's going to help you, you can have someone else to talk with, possibly about more personal things." I didn't know how I felt about that. I could barely share a small fact, but to go farther than that? Maybe meeting 'Ed' wouldn't be a walk in the park like I once thought.

"Do you mind if I show him this?" He wondered, gesturing to the drawing. 

"Not at all." I told him, showing him a smile. I didn't know if Dr. Cardona seeing it would either be a good thing, or a bad. But, I didn't mind. Steven's been so sweet to me, this is the least I could do.

"In the meantime, what you've been doing so far seems to be helping." Steven informed me, resting the photo on his right leg. "I can see why, when you listen to other's stories, it makes you want to follow them, and recover like they did or will. I'm glad you've already made so much progress." He stood up from the bed, picture at hand. "I'll be seeing you in a little bit." 

He departed as I waved to him, glad that some recovery was showing through. Steven understood my healing process fully, I was glad he was so compassionate. With nothing to do, I made my way to the door, wanting to find out more about one of my...friends...

I love that word. It made the smile on my face grow.

I entered the media area that Steven had introduced me to on my first day here. The warmness of the room felt nice, the sun shining through by the skylights. It was a gorgeous day, a gorgeous day for making another bond. I didn't know where to go, or who would be where.

Should I go back to the art room? Drawing was pretty fun. Or, should I go somewhere new? I hadn't spent that much time in the library, should I head there? But, I haven't explored the music room yet. That guitar has been calling my name. Yet, it's such a lovely day out, maybe outside was where I should go? Or, perhaps the gym, explore what equipment they have there.

Yet, I didn't have to go anywhere. As soon as I entered the room, I saw someone sitting on a large, circular bench in the center of the room. It was a place for sitting and talking, I was sure, yet this person was alone. And, this was a person that I knew, and wanted to know so much more about.

I made my way over to him, he had a book in his hands, yet he was looking up at the skylights. I wasn't the only one who though today was lovely. As I neared him, I caught his attention. He wore a small smile as he lifted his hand; a motionless wave. I smiled in return as I took a seat next to him.

"Hey, Aleks." He greeted me, his focus returning to the sun beaming from above.

"Hi, James." I responded. I had wanted to know about James the most, mainly because he seemed the most interesting. Not to say the others aren't, they truly are. Every one of them is a unique being with their own experiences, thoughts, and beliefs. It's sensationally miraculous, and I hope to discover them one at a time.

Seeing as that I'm here with James, I might as well feed the yearn.

"It looks nice out today." James commented, the light making his eyes shine. I couldn't help, but smile.

"It does, hopefully you can get a chance to go out later." I told him as he nodded, his lips tugging at a small grin.

"I hope so. But, until then, I'm reading this dumb book." He chuckled quietly, fumbling with the book in his hands on purpose.

"What's it about?" I asked as his shoulders rose and fell.

"No fucking idea." He answered as the both of us laughed, I liked the sound of his giggles. It was a relatively calming sound, usually all laughter is, but James' especially. I had only heard it a few times within meals, and right now, but I loved it. How contagious it was, how he couldn't control it, how bold it sounded.

Bold. Another attribute I lacked.

As he tossed the book from hand to hand, James accidentally dropped it onto the floor. He leaned over to pick it up, mumbling a curse under his breath as he did so. As he sat back up, he opened the book again while snickering as one of his shirt sleeves had fallen accidentally down.

The shirt sleeve he always made sure was around his palm. The shirt sleeve he kept something hidden underneath. The shirt sleeve that now revealed his secret.

His arm had marks all up and down it...

...burn marks...

James must have met my gaze as he quickly rolled his sleeve back up, making sure his palm held it firmly. "Why don't you take a picture, it'll last longer?" James sneered in a mocking tone, making me look away from him altogether.

"I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean to stare." I apologized, a bit scared by what I had viewed. What put those burns there? Who put those burns there? When? Why? Will they go away? Or, become part of him? Have they already? "I'm sorry." I repeated, looking down with guilt.

James scoffed. "Yeah, they all are." He muttered, making me feel horrible inside. 

"No, I-I really am sorry-" I tried again,   
lifting my head up as James cut me off.

"I don't want to hear it!" He shouted, making me shrink away. "Everyone says their sorry, but they don't really mean it! Why should your apology make all the difference?!?" He was standing now, his hands clenched into fists as they shook.

Shook like me as I trembled all over. I didn't know what to do, nor what James would do. He didn't accept my apologies although they were sincere. All I wanted to do was talk with him, but now, I was afraid of him.

"You don't mean a single thing coming out of you God damned mouth!" James shouted once more as I felt tears brimming in my eyes. I almost forgot how weak I was. "I don't need your fucking half-assed empathy!" The next thing I knew there was a tan fist thrown at me, causing me to fall onto the ground.

I groaned in pain as I recovered from the blow, placing my left hand to my nose as that was the place he punched. I took my hand away as I saw blood and I knew my nose was bleeding. I was on the verge of sobbing hopelessly, tears leaking out of my eyes as I tried to hold them back.

I reluctantly tilted my head to look back up at James as he stared down at me with a grimace. "Cutter." He mumbled under his breath as his eyes flicked to my bandage for a quick second.

That send me over the edge.

It felt as if the air had been knocked out of my lungs. I placed my right hand to my chest, praying it would somewhat help with my breathing. I tried gasping, but soon it became haphazard, my breathing out of control, yet not meeting my lungs.

This was the first panic attack I had had in a while.

"A...Aleks?" I heard James ask, but his voice seemed so distant. I then felt something cold press against my head, soon finding it to be the tiled floor. My vision started to blur, so I closed my eyes, waiting for this painful moment to pass. "Aleks?!? Aleks?!?" I heard James shout again and again, his voice sounded concerned, but he was my greatest fear.

These attacks were another reason I hated myself. They were debilitating, making me hurt worse, both inside and out. They made me feel even more feeble, which meant I actually was that weak. Living day to day was a struggle, and not knowing when these attacks would happen only added onto the pain.

"Steven!" James' voice called for my carer. "Steven! Steven, help!"

It took only a few more seconds until the coldness was removed from my face, and replaced with warmth. The warmth of Steven's arms. "James, what happened?" Steven's far away voice wondered, concern filling it. My lungs were beginning to burn as well did my heart, but my attack wouldn't end. 

The longest they last is ten minutes...

"What hap..." Steven's voice started to fade in and out as my breathing still came unsteady in, weakly out. The tears wouldn't stop either, soaking my face, making it even colder than the floor. "You did what?!?" Steven spoke in a shocked manner before all sound went away completely.

It felt as if I were alone, drowning in the pool that is life. No matter how many times I kicked and screamed to get back to the top, I kept sinking. Water burning my eyes, filling my lungs, making me frailer and frailer. The red and black appearing again...

I was stuck there forever, my throat now hoarse from heavily breathing. "Shh, shh, it's alright Aleks." Steven's voice returned in my ear, how soothing it was. I slowly fell back into reality, seeing that Steven was, indeed, holding me as he gently rocked me back and forth. "You're alright, you're alright, I'm here."

I whimpered as I lightly held onto on of his arms, telling him I was okay for now. He dipped his head down, blue eyes looking into brown ones. "You're okay, Aleks. He's not going to hurt you. He's gone." Steven whispered, referring to James. James... Just the name made me shiver. "Here, let's get you back to your room, and get you cleaned up."

Steven carried me back to my room, I kept my head pressed to his chest the entire walk, afraid of what would happen if Steven wasn't with me. He murmured sweet phrases to me all the while until he opened the door to my dwelling.

He sat me down on my bed, my back tensing then relaxing against the chilling wall. Steven made his way to the bathroom and came back with a wet cloth to wipe away the blood. He sat down on the bed in front of me as he placed one hand on my shoulder. The other lightly dabbed at the blood that had dried under my nose and onto my top lip.

"I'm so sorry, Aleks." He muttered, his lips pouting. "You didn't deserve that, you poor thing." I couldn't deal with the sadness in his eyes, so they only way to escape it was to close mine. "Did he scare you?" He asked, his words were considerate. 

I tell out a shaky "Mhm" as I nodded my head. I heard Steven sigh with sympathy as I heard the sound of him placing the bloody cloth into the trash. I then felt his arms wrap around me once more, capturing me into a hug. I had craved comfort, so I held him close in return. 

"It's going to be alright, Aleks, don't cry." He instructed me as I tried to silence my sobs. "Shh, shh, shh, it's okay. I'm going to help you, don't worry. It's all okay." I opened my eyes, but there was no point as my vision was blurry due to my crying. "Here, uh, why don't you lay down for a little bit? I think it might be best for you right now." He suggested as I agreed.

We removed ourselves from our hug as Steven helped me under the blanket before walking to the window to draw the shades. So much for a gorgeous day... He walked back over to me as he pulled the covers up to my chest as I sighed, trying to relax.

"Dr. Cardona liked your drawing." He whispered to lighten the mood, I appreciated his attempt. "He says he's looking forward to meeting you, and that you sound like an amazing person." I smiled vaguely as fatigue began to set in. "And you know what? You are, no matter what anyone does or says. You are." 

He walked over to the door and turned the light off, the room dimmer than before. "Sweet dreams, Aleks." He mumbled before closing the door quietly.

How am I supposed to have sweet dreams if I'm haunted by a nightmare named James?


	6. Chapter 6: Yellow

My head hurt. My chest hurt. My eyes hurt. My back hurt. My face, my arms, my neck. It hurt.

Everything hurt.

I was paralyzed with fear and pain, not being able to move, but it wasn't like I wanted to. Whenever I tried to get away, the pain would increase. The abuse more agonizing. The sobs weren't enough to end the pain, neither were the tears. 

Everything hurt...

He picked me up and threw me against a wall, it being stained with my blood. I knew that these would be my final moments, of course they were surrounded by misery. A whimper escaped my lips as his hands brought me up again, this time pinning me against the wall, his hand around my throat.

I inched open my eyes to stare into the ones of my abuser. Tears clouded my vision, but I was still able to see. He stood before me, a disgusted glower on his face. He had a tan complexion, curly, black hair, and his beautiful eyes were now filled with hatred and resentment.

His grip on my neck tightened, now both of his hands clasped around it. The burning sensation from my lungs returned as oxygen was becoming scarce. Tears left my eyes as I knew my soul would my body, both being   
caused by a demon with brawny hands.

The last thing I saw were those burns on his arm...

I sprung awake in a cold sweat, panic swarming where the pain once was. I placed my hand to my neck, feeling the coldness as no hand was there. I took a few deep breaths while closing my eyes, keep myself at ease. It was just a dream, but for a moment, it was also reality.

I was terrified of James. I had just tried to apologize, and the next thing I knew, the blood from my nose covered his knuckles. My cries overlapped his shouts for help. My condition got to the best of me. I didn't want to see him today, he saw a side of me I didn't want anyone else to know about. I didn't want to hear his taunts, his ridicules, his   
voice at all.

His voice spewing out that one word that I hadn't heard in four years...

...cutter...

I jumped at the sound of a knock at my door, my eyes opening widely as they did before. I caught my breath as I peered through the window, the person on the other side being the opposite of James entirely. Steven stepped in, his eyes filling with concern, his hand holding another roll of bandages.

"Are you okay, Aleks?" He questioned, presumably noticing my nervousness. He wore all white today, the color beginning to make my head pound.

I nodded my head slowly. "I'm alright." I told him, my voice small. "I just had a nightmare, that's all." I told him, hiding the tears by the remembrance of it. It was quiet for a moment or so after that, Steven probably knowing that it was due to yesterday.

"Here, um," He handed me the roll of bandages, "I think I can trust you to change it from now on." He wore a tiny smile. Although it was small, it made me feel a bit safer. "You doing okay, considering...what happened?" Steven politely asked as he placed the roll in my right hand.

I let out a shaky sigh. "I'm still a bit afraid." I admitted, feeling myself quiver by the image of James. The way he looked at me, the way he hurt me, the way he yelled at me, the way he spoke...spoke that word... 

Steven sighed with sympathy. "I get that, it's alright. His carer, Nick, and I spoke with him yesterday after it happened. It's going to be alright." He informed me, smiling sadly. "I know, you're still afraid, but I think you should go get some breakfast. You didn't eat dinner last night, you're probably starving."

As he mentioned it, I realized that I was. And, right now, my hunger began to overpower my fear. I nodded my head, placing the roll of bandages on the table next to my bed. I smiled when I saw my drawing, Steven must have returned it when I was asleep. Something so small can make my smile return.

As Steven left the room, I went to the cafeteria, dreading the walk there. James was going to be in there. He saw what happened, and he sure as hell wouldn't forget. He'd judge me, push me down even further into this deep abyss. I'd be scared to look into those brown eyes of his again. The glare they'd give.

My hand trembled as it lifted up to the handle, I never had to deal with this in school. Those kids always taunted me beforehand, and beat me after. Lunch was just time where I accepted the rejection. They figured it was enough pain alone. Sitting by myself, surrounded by jabbering mouths and wandering eyes. Never were those words directed to me. Those eyes weren't looking at me.

They were staring at my new accessory.

I pushed the door open and took a few steps inside, my eyes drifting immediately over to the table I usually sat at. My heart relaxed when seeing no sign of James, the table alone was small today. Only Dan, Spencer, and Joe. 

I smiled at the humbleness of the table, Dan seemed to be in a better mood. He was chatting like he did when I first arrived here. I was glad I would be able to talk with him again. I made my way to the food court, grinning once I saw the sweet face of Monica.

"Hi." I greeted her this time, she seemed proud of my confidence. Her lips wore a dark shaded lipstick as they parted into a smile of her own.

"Hey there. How have you been, Aleks? I missed you at dinner last night." She told me, handing me a blue tray. Blue, white, everything was blue and white.

"Steven thought it would be best for me to try to get some sleep then." I informed her, her face gave an expression of comprehension. 

"Well, I glad you got some. Now, how about some food?" She giggled at the end of her words. 

After I took my tray and drink, I made my way over to the table, the three of them smiled as I took my seat. "Hey, Aleks!" Dan greeted me, his tone cheery. 

"Hi." I responded, pushing my chair closer towards the table. "Slow day this morning, huh?" I joked as they laughed. "Where is everybody, if you don't mind?" I wondered, taking a swig of water.

"Oh, not at all." Spencer replied, taking a spoonful of mashed potatoes. Not really a breakfast food, but at least he was eating something. He took a bigger spoonful than usual, I was happy he was hungry. "Dex is meeting with Dr. Cardona this morning, he has his weekly meetings during breakfast usually."

"Seamus is probably trying to get more sleep, he really deserves it." Joe added, taking a bite of his French toast. Again, his food was arranged perfectly, his French toast cut into equal pieces. "Kevin, I think is in the gym doing whatever it is Kevin does." I laughed quietly at that.

"Jordan's still in his room," Dan went onto say, "I think he's having a bad day. Which is odd, he hasn't had one of those in the longest time." He sighed. "James...I don't know where James is. He was quiet yesterday at dinner when you weren't here." He noted, making me wonder the same about James. Where was he? Was he alright? Was he still asleep? Or, hiding on purpose? 

Was there a slight chance that he felt bad...?

"Where were you yesterday anyway? It was kind of boring here without you." Spencer told me, running a hand through his yellow hair. Yellow like the sun warming my skin. Like the sun making James' eyes glimmer yesterday. James...yesterday... 

I got my mind off of it as I smiled at Spencer's comment. I was about to just ease it off and give them the same response as I did Monica, yet I stopped. These people were who I considered friends. If I could confide in Jordan and Seamus, maybe I could tell them the truth, too.

"James and I got into an argument yesterday awhile after lunch." Their expressions turned sullen. "I saw what on his arm by accident...I apologized for staring, but James didn't want to here it. He got pretty angry, and...I ended up having a...a panic attack." I confessed, looking down. 

"My carer, Steven, he took me back to my room after and told me to try and get some rest." I remembered his care from last night. "I don't know why James wasn't talkative, but I was sleeping, so that's why I wasn't there." I raised my head to look into the eyes of them all.

Dan didn't meet my eyes, he looked down at the table as he bit his bottom lip. Spencer fiddled with his food, not as he wasn't hungry, but as he didn't know what to say. "I'm so sorry." I heard Joe apologize, turning my head to face him. "That must have been hard for you to tell us." I nodded at his apology, accepting it.

"I know what happened was pretty scary, but I know James really can't help it." I told them. "It's part of his condition, he can't do that much about it." 

"You know, aside from that, James can really be an understanding person." Dan spoke up, catching my attention by his claim. "Sure, I was here before James came around, but not by much. After he started sitting with us, I felt comfortable enough to tell him about myself.

"I thought he was going to mess with me based on his personality beforehand. Yet, he was extremely considerate to me, and I was happy that he accepted me. That you all accept me." He smiled as his eyes trailed from Joe, to Spencer, then to me. His expression changed then as he presumably realized that I didn't know the reason behind him being here. I didn't push it, though, I   
just smiled at his kind words.

"Um...Aleks, I have Dissociative Identity Disorder. Which means I alter between different personalities and people altogether. You may have noticed that I have trouble remembering things, mainly because those happened when I was under a different personality.

"I used to have three main ones, this one where I'm social and happy, one where I'm shy and don't really feel like involving myself with anyone else, and another where I I'd get angry lot. At everything, everyone." He paused for a little bit. "But, that one hasn't taken over in a while. My sad one still does every once in a while, but with my time being here, I'm getting better. This is my real personality, and I'm glad you get to meet the real me." He shyly chuckled, as did the rest of us. 

"I'm glad to hear you're better, that's really great." I complimented his recovery as he beamed. He turned to his side and nudged Joe playfully.

"Your turn." He joked, the laughter being innocent.

"Ah well, if you haven't seen by now, I have OCD, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder." Joe began, placing down his fork neatly. "There's not really a back story to this, I just like to organize and it took over me." He fell back in his seat laughing, his cheeks blushing pink. "But, heh, anyway, my family started to get concerned, so they put me here to get taken care of."

"How's that been for you?" I wondered, swallowing a piece of my own French toast and maple syrup. I smiled at the taste, it was the best thing I had eaten in my time here. 

"I've been a lot better, actually. Thanks for asking." He thanked as I bobbed my head. "When I first got here, I want to say three weeks back, I was organizing everything. And I mean, everything." He put emphasis on the word to shoot his point across. "The gym equipment, the art equipment, the books in the library. Even other people's belongings, Dr. Cardona and I had a long talk after that." He let out another short laugh.

"But, I've been taking some therapy classes, and learned how to control it. I do yoga, too. It keeps me calm, you should do it with me sometime. You could be my young padawan." We all had a laugh at that. "So, in the end, I've been a lot better dealing with the fact that not everything has to be perfect. I'm starting to like the fact that not everything is."

Joe was right, not everything was perfect. I was far from it, living the complete opposite of it. But, I was happy this way. I'd rather be fucked up with cool people to talk with, than to be considered normal and still live a lonely life.

"I guess that leaves me." Spencer giggled with his words. "Dr. Cardona diagnosed me with anorexia. I know most people think that it's more common for women, but that's not always true. I'm the evidence." He chortled lightly. "It all started when my girlfriend broke up with me, I was twenty-one, going on my age now, twenty-two, at the time. She threw all of these insults at me at once, one of them saying that I was fat.

"I was impressionable, it went to my head and I started believing it. I thought if I 'lost weight', she'd take me back. God, I was so dumb..." He shook his head as he remembered. "I stopped eating altogether, but then my stomach started to hurt. So, when I did eat something, it had been so long since I ate something that I threw up. After that...

"...I forced myself to throw up." 

I could feel the sympathy in my eyes, feeling bad for each and every one of them. "This went on for a little bit, you could...literally see my rib cage. I was really bad... My sister came to visit me on my birthday when I turned twenty-two, and saw how horrible I was. She committed me here that afternoon. Happy birthday to me." He joked, taking another large spoonful.

"You look like you've been getting better." I let him know as he smiled. "You look pretty healthy to me." 

"Thanks, Aleks. I've been trying to eat more, I've been here just a little longer than Joe. I'm gaining back my regular weight little by little, I'm thirty-seven pounds away." He threw his arms up into the air in celebration.

I laughed with the rest of them, glad that they took the time to tell me about themselves. They've all been better. Yes, they still have their flaws, but they're not as noticeable as before. I wish to be like them, and I think, with a little time, I will be.

As breakfast ended, I gave each Dan, Spencer, and Joe individual hugs as I thanked them for sharing with me. Their experiences were hard, Dan trying to balance three personalities while trying to remember his true one. Joe trying live in a world so unorganized and unclean. Spencer wanting to meet his ex girlfriend's expertise by being everything he's not. 

That sounded sort of like my situation. Except, she is my girlfriend. And, I'm happy I have her.

I made my way back to my room, needing to change my bandage. I was in full responsibility of that now, and even though it was small, it felt nice to be in control of something. On my way back, I passed a room that emitted a sound.

The familiar sound of crying. I walked up to the door carefully and pressed my ear to it, the crying becoming louder. I soon recognized who it was: Jordan. Dan did mention he was having a bad day, I just didn't know how bad. I knocked on the door, wanting to be there for him.

"Jordan?" I wondered, my ear still pressed against it. His door didn't have a window like mine. He probably didn't need to be check on as frequently as myself. "Jordan, are you alright?" 

"I'm okay, Aleks." I heard him whisper through his sobs, making me feel worse. "Really, I'm fine."

I sighed. "Can I come in or-" 

"I said I'm fine, Aleks!" Jordan shouted, causing me to jolt my head away from the door. "Leave me alone!" His voice echoed as I back away, not feeling as hurt as I should've. I walked the rest of the way down the hallway and met my door as I entered.

I learned about Jordan's condition alongside a small tidbit from Steven as well. Jordan still had his bad days and today was one of them. He didn't want to be bothered, I understood that. I, myself, prefer to be alone from time to time, and that's all I ever wanted to be back then. I wasn't mad at Jordan, just worried.

I sat down on my bed once more and picked up the roll of bandages I placed down earlier. I didn't necessarily need them anymore, I just used them to hide the mark. My eyes glanced at my drawing briefly, wanting to head again to the art room soon. I had no idea that I liked drawing so much, and that people would actually like what I drew. It made me feel happy to know people liked me. People like them were out there, waiting for me.

It's kind of sad though that the only way to meet them would be to put my life on the line.

As I started to unravel the old bandage, there was a knock at the door. I lifted my head, expecting to see Steven's smiling face. But, my expression turned from content to panicked once I saw him looking in through the window.

James.

He opened the door quietly as I pushed myself farther away, tears returning in my eyes. I began to shake again, afraid of what James might do. But, instead of teasing me or taunting me, he lifted his hands in defense. "I'm not going to hurt you." He whispered to me, his eyes showing that he was sincere.

He slowly walked towards the bed, sitting down onto it. I relaxed a little, trying to trust in James' words. He lifted his eyes from the floor to mine, his seeming to be filled with...sadness...

"I am so sorry, Aleks." He apologized, his words as soft as his eyes. "I lost control yesterday, I didn't mean to. On you, of all people, you're so innocent." His eyes became glossy as he spoke. "I was so scared yesterday. Are...Are you alright?" He asked, his question sounding as if it came from the bottom of his heart.

I nodded as a response, not meeting James in the eye. "Yeah, I'm...I'm okay." I told him, understanding that his outburst yesterday was not of his own doing. "I just had a panic attack, nothing I'm not used to." My own voice was becoming small as well.

"'Just'?" James wondered, his lips pouting at my word choice. He sighed, hanging his head low. "Again, I'm so sorry..."

I smiled somewhat at his words. "It's okay, James." I told him, his head lifting back up. "Really...it's alright. I forgive you." He appeared as if he wasn't expecting that as my reaction.

"You're not mad at me?" He questioned, his voice quavering. 

"Not at all." I told him, continuing onto unwrapping my bandage. I completely removed it and tossed it into the small garbage can. I kept my arm up, making sure James couldn't see the mark. I wasn't sure if I wanted him to see it or not. I tried to wrap the new bandage around my wrist, but the task proved difficult with only one hand, as the other hand remained still.

"Need some help?" He wondered, slight amusement in his tone. I timidly chuckled a little, nodding my head unsurely.

"Yeah, please." He took the roll of bandages from my hand, letting a little out for me to place my wrist into. I was hesitant a moment, but James remained patient for me. Gradually, I lowered my wrist into the soft fabric while slowly trailing my eyes up to James'.

His eyes grew wide. A few tears fell from them. His mouth was slightly agape. The color in his face faded. He lightly trailed his hand over the mark, so faintly that I could barely feel it. "I just thought you did it...," He spoke barely above a whisper, "I didn't know you tried to kill..." He couldn't get the last word out as his eyes were glued to the mark.

He covered it quickly with the fabric, wrapping it again and again until he kept it in place. He finished with a sniffle as he wiped at his eyes. "I'm so sorry..." He apologized once more, his words almost unheard. I didn't respond to that, a little heartbroken by James' reaction. He seemed to mean what he said, and the tears falling down his face just proved it even more.

He began to lean forward and I soon found myself in his arms. He was holding me so closely, I could feel his shaky breaths on my neck. I placed my hand on his back, rubbing it soothingly. Neither of us said a word, we just held one another for God knows how long.

But, I didn't mind it. Dan was right, he was an understanding person.

I just wished I understood him.


	7. Chapter 7: Green

I forgot how nice feeling clean is.

I stood underneath the stream of water from the shower head. The cool water ran down my entire body, the feeling being so nice. It relieved all stress, all drama, all pain. Because, right now, there was too much.

Steven told me that I was going to meet Dr. Cardona today. I was a bit excited based on Jordan's words about him, yet also terrified, as doctors weren't my favorite type of people. I did want to get well, but I didn't want to expel everything to him.

In high school, I was a very stoic person. I still am, which is why I'm uncomfortable about sharing things about myself. I never really had anyone to talk with, except for Domi towards the end of school. Yet, I confided in her, and as much as I love her, she let me down. She didn't care for me as much in the past year, but I know she doesn't have the heart to leave.

I used to be in acquaintance with that heart at one point, the love she used to show me. Now, I barely felt that love, and I started to question its existence. Was it still there? Was it still for me? Did I lose her? I'm only asking that because to her, I wasn't much of a loss. I felt like dead weight on her shoulders, and with me out of the picture, she'd be free. Happy. The best she has been in years. I   
want her to be all of those things.

But, I can't leave her. I love her. With all of my heart that I know is still there. 

I don't want another relationship to become destroyed because of that. My condition to upset another's life along with my own. But, neither of us can leave. She couldn't deal with the guilt. I couldn't deal with the loneliness.

That's one thing I'm too afraid to share.

That, and my school experience. The bullies. The torments. The hell. My home life. My drunken parents. My angry, abusive father. My mother who let it happen. Sometimes she watched... The spiral into the depths of darkness. My cries. My red lines. My attempt...

My name's Aleksandr Marchant, how are you?

That's why I took a shower. Not only did I need one, but I needed time to myself.

I turned off the water and drew back the curtain, the air hitting me the moment I stepped out. I dried myself and my hair with my towel, something else the color of azure. I looked from wall to wall, in hopes of finding a mirror. But, there wasn't one. Mirrors are made of glass. Glass can break into shards. Shards are sharp. You can use them to...

It's just a safety precaution. 

I got dressed in the clothes I had picked out for today, at least Domi had packed my favorite shirt. The chest and back were white, yet the sleeves were black. As black as death...he's a friend of mine...

I slipped it on over my head, pulling it over my bare back and chest, warming me up. I pushed the hair out of my eyes, brushing it to the side as I flattened it out. As I stepped out into my living quarters, a knock was heard at the door. I turned my head to see Jordan, a shy smile on his face. I gestured for him to come in as he obeyed, I noticed him fiddling with a red hat in his hands.

"Hey, Jordan." I greeted him, placing my duffle bag back under the foot of the bed. "Where'd you get the hat?" I wondered, sitting on the bed thereafter. He smiled at my hospitality.

"Monica gave it to me last night, yesterday would've been our four year anniversary." Jordan explained, lifting the hat in his hand. "I had one like this, but when we separated, it got lost in the move."

"That's a shame." I commented, looking down at the hat once again. "That's sweet that she got you a new one, though. She still cares about you." We both smiled at that.

"And, I still care about her..." It all fit well together, the sudden epiphany forming in my mind. That was why Jordan was upset. He still loved Monica and the reminder of yesterday made reality hit him hard. The poor guy, everything he's had to deal with. 

Love really is a bitch.

"I'm sorry for shouting at you yesterday." He apologized, raising his eyes back up towards me."You were only trying to help, I shouldn't have acted that way."

"Jordan..." I spoke his name with a tone of surprise. "You don't have to to apologize, you were upset yesterday, that's alright." Even though not many people would want to feel it, I would kill to be able to feel upset. Everytime I get to that point, I have an attack instead.

Maybe Dr. Cardona can help with that...

...maybe...

"Aleks, I made you scared yesterday." Jordan defended, his voice still quiet. "I'm sorry for treating you the way I did, I hope you're still my friend." 

Friends...Jordan considered us friends...

"Of course we are, why wouldn't we be?" I rhetorically asked as I stood up from the bed. I wrapped my arms around Jordan, pulling him in for a hug as he accepted. "Of course you're my friend, Jordan. You were just a little sad yesterday. That's alright."

"Thank you for being so caring." Jordan thanked me, squeezing me a bit tighter before letting go, patting my back lightly. "Thank you, Aleks." I nodded my head as he praised me again, my eyes drifting back towards his hat. I gently took it from his hands, standing on the tips of my toes as I placed it atop his head.

"There." I whispered, watching Jordan adjust it and smile. "I like it, it suits you." I told him as he laughed innocently. I couldn't help the grin of my own as it grew. 

"So, what are you doing today?" Jordan wondered, flattening out his deep blue shirt. 

"I'm meeting with Dr. Cardona for the first time in a little bit." Although I sounded pleased, on the inside I was screaming for help. Dr. Cardona to the rescue...

Jordan wore a satisfactory smile. "That's good, I'm happy you're finally getting to meet him." I wished I could be as stoked as Jordan seemed. "Don't you worry about a single thing, Dr. Cardona is going to help you. He's helped me, Seamus, Kevin, and he's going to make you better, too."

Better.

How much I wanted it. How much I was   
scared to believe in it.

After sharing another hug with Jordan, he left the room to accompany Dan in the library. While replacing my bandage, my mind went directly to meeting Dr. Cardona again. I wondered what his personality was like. Was he polite? Was he stubborn? Was he kind? Was he condescending? Obnoxious? Caring? Apathetic?

I not so much focused on my thoughts of him as I did of his thoughts about me. Steven did say that he believed me to be an amazing person. Yet, he could've just said that to make me feel better. I was having a rough day, he probably didn't want me to experience any more pain. 

Would Eddie be as understanding as the rest? From what I shared or what they already know, each person has treated me like a friend. Like a person. They've been respectful to my feelings, my insecurities, me in general. Even if there was an unbalanced moment, things would always come together in the end.

Steven has been here for me this entire time, and cares so much more than his job entails he should. Jordan was sweet enough to let me join his table, and let me in on his background. Seamus made me feel good about myself for the first time in a long time. 

Dex made me feel important by wanting to know more about me. Spencer appreciated my politeness and returned with the same thing. Dan made me feel like family. Joe kept the laughter going. Kevin was getting used to me being around, he smiled at me yesterday at dinner. 

James, although we've gotten off on the wrong foot, has been extremely caring. He doesn't treat me differently after witnessing what he has, he treats me like all the rest. He even said I was a great person. I couldn't help, but blush at that.

Perhaps Eddie will be no different...

My thoughts were interrupted by a tapping on the door followed by such a familiar voice. "Hey, Aleks. You ready?" Steven questioned, the blue of his clothes matching his eyes. I nodded my head as I placed down the roll and made my way to Steven, his expression one of kindness.

We left my room, walking the same way we always did, past the multiple other rooms, and the blocked off area for specific patients. I heard screaming come from within, followed by shushes and calming phrases from presumable carers. I hoped I never had to reside in there, it scared me more than meeting Eddie.

We entered the lobby area, heading the same way as if you were to go to the cafeteria. Yet, instead of turning right, left was the direction we went. My eyes glazed over the silver words of Dr. Cardona's name, I wondered how he saw mine. Aleksandr Marchant. Better known as faggot, or gay-boy, or cocksucker. Or...

...cutter.

Nothing more needed to be said with that.

Steven knocked on the door as the two of us waited, my uncertainty building higher and higher. But, as the door opened, relief began to set in. Eddie seemed to be a kind person, sweet eyes above a sweeter smile. He was just a bit taller than me, hair and facial hair black, with glasses that matched him perfectly.

He didn't wear occupational clothes, in fact, his outfit seemed quite casual. Gray shoes like mine, black pants, and a yellow t-shirt that was an attraction in a place so bland. No suit, or coat, or any apparel of that sort. Which meant that he was comfortable. And, if he wad comfortable, I should be comfortable.

Should be...

"Steven! How are you doing?" He asked, not the regular, formal greeting co-workers would give to one another. Yet, I liked it. It didn't make me feel as uncomfortable as before.

"Pretty well, thanks for asking." Steven replied as the two smiled. "And, this is Aleks, who I've been talking about." I smiled when he mentioned me. Eddie stook out his hand as his smile widened.

"I'm Dr. Cardona. It's great to meet you, Aleks." I shook his hand confidently, trying to ease away this uncertainty.

"You, too." I answered, trying to keep my smile at large. He waved for me to come into his office as I indecisively did, Steven saying goodbye to the both of us. I stepped further into Eddie's office, another thing that he owned that seem nonchalant. It wasn't the eye piercing, head aching colors of pale blue and eggshell white. Everything about the office made me relax.

His desk was on the left side of the room, a chair seated just in front of it. The paint on the walls was green, to me, it was a soothing color. Very simple, very calm, something placating all around. His diplomas weren't bragged about while hanging behind his desk, they were on the right wall in a polite manner.

The window casted a large beam of light to enter the room, making it feel even more lively. The carpeted floor was another sight worth seeing, the tiled floor was beginning to get to me. Eddie seemed like a humble person, very sweet, very good-natured. Hopefully he'd act that way with me.

"You may have a seat, Aleks." He informed me, a valued smile on his face. Alongside Dex, Eddie's accent was something fresh to hear. "So, how are you today?" He questioned, eyebrows raised innocently as he took his seat behind the desk. Just the simple question of wondering about how I was made me feel good.

"I'm doing okay, thanks." I responded, feeling myself fiddle with my bandage. It only got in the way when I was nervous. 

"Great to hear that!" He sounded as enthusiastic as Steven. He opened a drawer and pulled out a file, probably mine. My whole back story was within those files, those papers, pictures, words. What Domi told them about me, I hoped she didn't share anything too personal. I wouldn't know if I could forgive her.

But, I would. Love always triumphs hate.

"How has everything been here for you? Have you been comfortable?" Eddie wondered, lifting his eyes up to me before scanning my file once more.

I nodded my head, not sure if he would see. "Everything's been going okay, I guess. Everybody's been really nice to me, I made some friends, too." He smiled at that.

"I'm glad to hear that!" He commented, a soft giggle at the end of his sentence. "You seem to be doing well for your first week here, it makes me happy to know that!" His words made me smile timidly as I tried to hide my nervous blush. "So, you're probably wondering what these meetings between you and I will be about." Eddie began, closing the folder at hand.

"The typical meetings for you and I will be at least once, perhaps twice, a week. I'll be listening to and recording your progress made here to settle an approximate release date." A release date. Three words that intended freedom, yet sounded as if they were to pull me back into the depths of darkness. "We'll talk about what caused you to do what you did, your childhood, and problems you may have faced. With all of that information, I can diagnose you, and   
really begin to make you better."

I nodded my head at his explanation to show that I understood. There was an upside, I was on the road to recovery. The downfall, I had to share my past. The past that I wished I didn't have, but no matter how many times I denied it, it's been the reason for all of my tears. Every cloud has a silver lining.

The thunder and lightening don't.

"So, today being our first meeting, we'll just hit the basics. If there's anything you don't feel comfortable talking about at the moment, just let me know." He informed me, his eyes easing me a little. He cleared his throat quietly. "Now, Aleks, do you know why you're here?" 

All too well. 

I dipped my head as I spoke. "I, uh... I tried to commit suicide." I whispered, the words sounding so shameful coming out of my mouth. At one time I was proud. Proud to claim my own life in order to feel better.

"Do you know why you tried to?" Eddie's voice seemed to lower itself. I tilted my head up to look at him, his expression not judgmental at all. He understood my trauma and didn't make me feel horrible about being me.

As much as it's weird, I'm glad I did what I did. Not for the same reason though. Before, I was just happy to die. Now, I was lucky to have met such caring, amazing people. Their experiences and advice along with my own will help me become the person I want to be. 

Aleksandr Marchant.

I didn't cringe at it. Yet, I didn't smile.

I was a little hesitant before responding. "I was...disappointed in the life I was living." I briefly summarized. Eddie didn't have to speak a word, his eyes did all the work. Go on. "Since, uh, high school I've been bullied. It started out small with nicknames, but then it increased quickly.

"They used to shove me into lockers, push me down the stair cases, ...beat me up so much after school...I was absolutely terrified." I felt tears prick at my eyes.

Everyday I'd come home with new bruise or scratch somewhere. On my eye. On my arm. On my side. Somewhere those kids left their signature whether it be in the form of a lesion, or a hand print, or a row of bloody cuts. When I'd face those kids again, they'd see what the did. And they'd laugh. 

Laugh because I couldn't deal with the pain. Laugh because my misery ended in tears. Laugh because while they were enjoying their lives, I was regretting mine. When they talked with one another, I thought about the bad things about myself. When they were spending time with family, I was wishing I had one. When they were hosting sleepovers, I was busy crying myself to sleep.

And, never being able to wake up from my nightmare.

"What kind of names did they call you...?" Eddie wondered, his words somewhat hushed. All I saw was sorrow in his eyes as his voice trembled while speaking. I wanted to stop the conversation right then and there, but to I had to do this. 

I wanted to recover completely.

"A few of the most common ones were...faggot...cocksucker...gay-boy...the referred to me by my last name from time to time, Marchant...one of the most popular was...cutter..." I felt embarrassed by having to use that type of language. 

Eddie's eyes widen, a small gasp of what seemed like realization along with it. I looked at him in awe, wondering what thoughts were going through his mind. "Oh...when Nick and Steven sat down with James the other day, he said he called you that..." I remembered the way he had said it.

It was like venom paralyzing me.

"That was why you suffered a panic attack..." He whispered more to himself than me. "Aleks, have you had panic attacks in the past?" He questioned, fully aware of every word I was about to say.

I bobbed my head. "I hadn't had one in such a long time, two months at least. Before that, I used to have at least one, maybe two, every two weeks. During school they were much worse..." Eddie took note of everything that I said, his eyes keeping contact with mine the entire time.

"Thank you for sharing this with me." Eddie thanked, his tone remaining at a low decibel. "I know it definitely wasn't easy, I get that. Thank you, Aleks." We both shared a small smile. "I'm going to help you. Don't worry, you're going to turn out great. Just you wait." 

His claims had such hope. What I would do to be able to dream like him. Mine were demolished as soon as I stepped into that school. Gone with the first tear. Thrown away with the first punch. Dead by the end of the first day. The first day...those were my memories. Not spending time with family, not enjoying my childhood, not making the best of every situation. 

My memories were labeled under what happened to me which day and why. A bruise on my chest Wednesday because of tearing up at the taunts. A scrape on my cheek the next week because I tried to ignore them. A pain in my back in a couple minutes because they saw my red line.

And with those red lines came more memories to make.

"How about we focus off of the bad things?" Eddie questioned, pushing my file aside. "I think we both would like that." He chuckled nervously. The change of the subject was nice.

"You told me you made some friends. Why don't you tell me about them?"

I smiled.


	8. Chapter 8: Orange

While exiting the cafeteria after lunch, I couldn't help, but gravitate my focus to the skylights above. It was another bright day out there, soft clouds, glinting sunlight, perhaps a gentle breeze to blow your hair in all sorts of directions. All I wanted was to feel the warmth on my skin, that was a feeling I hadn't felt in a long time.

It was one of the joys in the world, something that made me smile now and again. Throughout the coldness that life brought, it was somewhat pleasing to see warmth in the world. Yet, it still pained me to see the warmness left me to freeze, so I had to make my own. By breaking my skin.

That was the most warmth I had felt in a long time. 

But, I was trying to get away from that. It was hard, but I was slowly accomplishing it. I had been here a week, one week clean. My mark was starting to heal, but I knew that it would linger. Stay with me, I begged, someone, something , stay with me. 

The only thing that did was that scar.

I still have my doubts about this place, I'm not completely adequate. Everyone's been so open with me, but I'm still afraid to say something about myself in return. Seamus' cries still keep me up sometimes. Other times, their my own. I want to get better, but there's still a hint of uncertainty lurking in my mind.

Everyone I've ever trusted has turned their back on me. I tried to tell my mother about the bullies, she just threw a vodka bottle at me. I wanted to confide in my father, but that was a mistake. Clearly he didn't care. I went to school with a new mark. Those kids weren't the cause.

Ever since then, I was scared to let anyone into my life. And, when I met Domi, I thought things would change. I had found someone who cared about me, she would never let me down in a time of need. But, she has. Over the years, her care lessened to the point where she didn't even bother. My crying got worse when I realized she gave up on me, so did the silence, the inner pain, and the cutting.

And, when I tried to kill myself, I gave up on me, too.

But, now I was starting over, there's new people here. People who can tell what I went through, and want nothing, but the best for my recovery. Steven, Eddie, Jordan. Yet, the hardships are catching up to me, I'm pushing through for them. Monica, Dan, Seamus, Joe. I'll combat with my demons, I'll fix my insecurities, I'll repair the damage for each and every one of them. Dex, Kevin, Spencer.

James.

I know I can do this. People can find inspiration in the smallest of things. Whether it be Seamus' drawing, Jordan's hat, Eddie's calming walls, James' eyes. Or, even the noncomplex temperature of the rays above. I pushed open the door after consulting with Steven, and my heart skipped a beat. The world seemed more cheery than I remembered it to be, I always thought it to be gloomy, dim, shadowy. Maybe, my world was changing. The air smelled sweet, a light zephyr floating about. It blew the grass with it, along with the tree leaves and branches.

I looked up at the sky, the first time I was happy to see blue and white. The sun felt nice, I could bathe in it's glow all day. While others talked with one another, or read, I made my way to a grassy area, and just sat. I leaned back, my arms keeping me sitting up as I closed my eyes.

This was bliss.

I felt myself blush lightly, my smile being too hard to hide anymore. I laid myself down in the grass, it tickling my hand as I ran my fingers through it. I stared up, my eyes wandering from cloud to cloud. I then closed my eyes, taking it all in. 

I thought beauty had died in the world, but   
I was just too scared to open up my eyes and see that it's still alive. In the feeling of the breeze, in the sound of the birds, in the taste of the sunlight, in the smell of the freshly cut grass. In the sights that surrounded me. I was isolated from all of it, stuck in this deep pit of woe that made each day more agonizing than the last.

Not only was it outside I noticed, but beauty was within people, too. All of the ones I've ever known were ungrateful, terrifying, or nasty. Their actions caused me to do the unspeakable. How distant I became thanks to them, how petrified of living I was, how depressed I grew.

All I could see was black.

But, now I'm seeing much more. There's an assortment of colors from many people who have filled my life with hope. From the sound of their laugh, or the smell of their scent. From the feeling of being near them, or the sight of their smallest smile. Their voices, their words, their help. Their personalities, their humbleness, their value to me.

Everything is gorgeous. A scenery, a person, ...and possibly even me.

I took in a deep breath, letting the fresh air meet my lungs for the first time in a long time. I never should've been afraid to step foot out here again. It's so pretty, and now I'm glad I can see that. "Hey, there." I heard a voice speak to me. I couldn't help, but beam wider at the accent.

I opened my eyes to see Dex standing above me, the gray in his eyes fitting him well. "Mind if I join you?" He asked, pointing to the area next to me. 

"Not at all." I told him, sitting up from the ground. He sat next to me, crossing his legs as he pushed his hair to the side. "How are you today?" I asked, the feeling of sharing this moment with another was astounding. It was rubbing off on me, making me a bit more confident in myself.

Dex smiled at my kindness. "Pretty well, actually." He responded, toying with one of his boots. "And you?" He wondered, his eyes meeting mine again. Dex was a very handsome person, black hair that appeared so soft as it was combed into spikes. He had a five o'clock shadow, silvery eyes, and an accent to die for.

"Great, thanks for asking." I thanked him, turning back to the sky. I loved all types of weather, from sun to rain. From hot to cold. From blizzards to thunderstorms. Wind gusts to light breezes, beaming sunlight to just a bit peeking out behind the clouds. It was amazing how the weather can do so much, even change one's perspective of the day.

The weather was good. I was good.

"How's your day been going? You seem to be really happy." I noted, catching Dex's tiny smile. Even his grin made me fall for him, he was just flat out astounding. He laughed quietly to himself before answering.

"Well, if you must know, the reason why I'm so happy is that I spoke with Dr. Cardona again today." He began, running his hand through his hair once more. "He moved my release date. I'm getting out next month instead of two." He smiled broadly, presumably proud of himself.

"That's great, Dex!" I praised, excited to hear such great news. I understood that the two of us hadn't really spent any alone time with one another, but I was glad that we had this moment now. I was close with a majority of the others, I wanted to learn more about Dex, too. "That's really amazing, I'm happy for you!"

Dex giggled at my words, shrugging it off as if it were nothing. "Thanks, I'm pretty glad to know I've been getting better. My progress really stood out to me when Eddie told me what a great job I was doing." He bit his bottom lip as he grinned. "It was really worth it, telling him everything. I was really against telling him anything at first." 

Not only has recovery shown, but credence has, too. Dex used to be shy like me, not wanting others to judge his life. He was uncertain, that's a feeling I know all too well. Yet, something along in his life made him break his cement walls, and drive down the road to recuperation. Maybe if I shared, he shared...

"That's kind of my problem." I told him, his eyes filling with cognizance. "I'm like that now, I'm afraid to tell anyone what's really going on. I'm timid when it comes to sharing about myself." Timid, but proud.

Dex sighed, it was a sound of realization. "I'm sorry, I didn't know." Dex apologized, his hand pausing as it played in the grass. "I put you on the spot the other day, I didn't mean to." Hearing him remember that made me try to hide a small smile.

"That's okay, Dex. You were just curious, we all are." Dex seemed relieved by my words. "I'm trying to get used to opening up, but it's harder than I thought it would be." It was the truth, when I really thought about it, telling about myself was one of the difficulties in my life. Ever since the relationship between my parents and I was defined, I've preferred to keep to myself. 

There are so many things I want to tell, but deep down I know I can't. No one cares to listen. Everything about me is despicable. I'm not worth the effort to care for. Not even I care for myself that much anymore. It hurts to bottle it inside, never being able to let it out. One day, I'll explode. I know I will, that day is coming closer and closer. I don't know exactly when or how, but I can feel it.

That's why I need help. I'm afraid to confide, but if I don't, I don't know what will happen of me. I try not to worry, though. These amazing people who have suffered traumas such as I, know what pain is. They've dealt with it, and they're close to beating it. Success is real...I'm just too afraid to accept it. 

"Well, that's understandable." Dex continued on, hopefully some advice would follow through to me. "We all have fears, spiders, being alone, heights, the dark. Jordan told me he has a fear of werewolves." The both of us chuckled at that. "And, it's okay to be scared. We all succumb to fear every once in a while. It's not a good feeling, though, it starts to consume you. Take control over you, make you cower in terror. Metaphorically, or literally, by all means."

I appreciated his humorous side, I could tell he wasn't a fan of serious conversation. He made solemn manners tolerable by adding just a hint of hilarity. He didn't make things awkward, or depressing. He lighted the mood, kept smiles present, made waves of laughter ripple over and over. I was glad I knew somebody like that. 

"Here, I'll use myself as an example." Dex cleared his throat. "The reason I'm here is because I was a drug addict. Heroin, mainly." He paused so early on. "I only shot up because I wanted to feel better about myself. I didn't want to deal with pain my parents caused me. Like I mentioned, I was shy back then to the point where my parents thought there was something wrong with me. There wasn't, actually, I just appreciated the quiet. But, no, that wasn't good enough for them.

"My parents were perfectionists, tweaking every little thing to make it perfect. I hated it. I can stand Joe, though, we're cool." He laughed at that. I liked the way he would make himself laugh, it was another think that made him handsome as hell. "I wasn't popular back in school, mainly because I didn't want to deal with drama from others. My parents kept urging me to make some type of bond, little did they know I actually did.

"I met this guy named Max when I was having a really bad day. My mother threatened to kick me out mainly because she didn't accept me. He seemed really nice, and we started talking. Yet, I didn't know he was an addict, and tried to get me to try some. I rejected at first, but..." He shook his head. "The stress got too much, and I put that needle in my arm." He sighed, staring down at the almost invisible marks on his arm.

"It made everything feel so good, the world was happy. I was happy, I hadn't felt happiness in such a long time. I was on top of the world for once, and it was, like, the best feeling." He shook his head at the memory. "Yet, when it died down, reality starting showing through again. I had to deal with my parents ridiculing me about everything, I couldn't stand it. 

"I shot up again, and again, and again just to escape them. I didn't realize how bad I was getting until I almost overdosed one night." Dex, too, had an experience with death. I wonder how his went, I barely got to shake its hand. "My dad walked into my room when it was happening, when I was...dying... They brought me to the hospital, and flushed out my system. After a few days, they had me transferred here.

"That was two and a half months ago." He bit the inside of his mouth. "When I did get here, I was still timid, afraid to tell anyone anything. It took me a while, but I slowly adapted to Jordan and the others, at the time it was everyone except you, Joe, Spencer, and Seamus." It was hard to imagine the group without them. "It was still terrifying, and even more nerve wracking to speak to Eddie. I was wondering how I was going to explain everything, what he'd think of me. Would I actually get better, are there any strings attached, is everything confidential." I didn't mind his rambling, those were a few questions I had pondered myself. 

"How did you get over your fear?" I asked, hoping I wasn't being too nosy. "You don't even seem the slightest bit bashful." I heard Dex chuckle at that, I couldn't help, but smile with him. 

"I took a leap of faith, if you will." He grinned boldly. "I just wanted to get better, I was tired of living day to day in pain. In guilt. In tears. And, I had to face that fact that the only way to get rid of my fears is to deal with them. I can't run, God knows I've tried hiding. You just have to push aside any doubts you may have, any worries, any depths of no escape. Forget about it all. Focus on what you want, and that is to be well again. Find a path to get there, and that path is to talk. To open up, to let people in. And don't think twice when you go down it.

"Just keep moving forward. And smile."

Those words I would never forget. 

I pieced it all together, everything Dex   
wanted to make clear on how to battle my frights. Don't run. Don't hide. Sit yourself down, settle the argument with the voice in the back of your head. Push away any and all obstacles because they will only way you down. Make a plan to recovery, and stick to it.

And above all, just keep moving forward. 

And smile.

Dex and I chatted for a while after that, I took his advice and told him a few more of my interests. I was glad we were friends, he helped me more than I could ever imagine. More than I could ever ask for. I know what to do in order to defeat my fears, and it made me feel incredible to know I was back in control of my life. 

No more storm clouds, no more darkness. No pain, no suffering, no agony. No more memories. No more crying. No more cuts. No more dreading my life, no more taking what I have for granted, no more selling myself short. No more nicknames.

I'll finally be remembered as Aleks...

It was nearing dinner time by the time Dex and I headed inside. It felt nice to chat with somebody, not only did it make me feel better about myself, but a smile was made on my face to know someone actually wanted to talk with me. I was interesting, I was important, I was intriguing. I made someone smile today.

I was the cause of a smile instead of a grimace.

It felt like I could breathe, a weight lifted off of my chest. A hope for a better tomorrow, a guarantee of a good night, and a blissful rest of the day. Content was a great feeling, I had barely experienced it before. Now, I knew what others were talking about. A sense where everything just seems...perfect. 

Not 'Joe perfect', but perfect to me.

"Aleks!" I heard such a familiar voice call to me as I entered the west wing. I lifted my head to expect, and see, Steven walking towards me. His face and tone foreshadowed at good news, something that could make this day the best it could be. "Your girlfriend, Dominika, she called and arranged a time to see you again."

My heart pumped faster just by the sound of her name. Domi wants to see me? After everything we've been through, is she still really there for me? Does she need me like I need her? Does she...love me...? 

"Really?" I wondered aloud, feeling a shy blush make its way onto my cheeks. "When is she coming?" I asked, Steven giggling at my joy. It had been such a long time since I had seen her, the things I wanted to tell her. The people I met, the stories I heard, the recovery I've made. 

I just hoped she'd listen.

"She said tomorrow around noon, just after lunch." Steven answered, a bright smile of his own starting to show. 

My excitement got to the best of me as I hugged Steven, holding him as close as he held me during my attack. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" I praised over and over, hearing Steven's warm laugh in my ear. 

I couldn't contain my delight, today had been the best day I had experienced in a long, long time. And, I just couldn't wait to see that beautiful girl who decided to sit with me at lunch again. Long braid. Black pants. Floral shoes. Silver braces. Orange shirt. Orange like the sun set outside.

Orange was such a harmonious color.


	9. Chapter 9: White

I sat at the table in anticipation, drumming my fingers against it to pass the time. Today was the day Domi was coming to visit, I had been looking forward to it all night. I know it had only been almost two weeks, but it felt like I hadn't seen her in forever. 

The resentment towards her had died down to the point where I didn't know why I even felt it to begin with. She had done me a favor, my life was being re-routed. In a direction I wanted it to go. I met great people, heard inspiring stories, and felt accepted by others. I was in a place that felt uncomfortable at first, but soon it was beginning to feel like home.

I never really had a home, my house was just a place I would try to hide in. No love emitted from it when you opened the door, no friendly conversation, no comfort at all. And, I know, with all my heart, that Domi tried to supply it, everything my childhood and growing up lacked. Yet, we had a falling out and...

...one thing led to another...

Yet, in this place, I was starting over. A fresh new start, a brand new outlook in the world. It wasn't scary like I once thought, it was bright, colorful, mesmerizing. I was starting anew, and that's what I wanted to do with Domi. We haven't had the smoothest couple of years, we've experienced ups and downs.

Mainly because of me.

It was hard to try and find some sort of inspiration to keep on going. I spent many days just laying in bed, crying to myself, trying to find a light, which seemed pointless. And, I was dragging Domi down with me, which I felt guilt towards. She could be living a good life with a boyfriend who will try. 

That's all I wanted for her.

I looked to my left at the sound of a door opening, and my eyes began to water. There she stood, a short five feet, one inch. Her brown hair was parted to the side, she had gotten a haircut since the last time I saw her. It just brushed over her shoulders. Her sandals were the color peach going well with her white pants, and deep blue and white striped shirt.

She looked amazing.

Although, my hope was knocked down the slightest bit when she barely smiled when seeing me. I was expecting to view her real smile, bold and toothy. I barely got a tug at her lips. Well, after everything I've put her through, I believe I deserve that. She found her way to the table, placing her purse under it.

"Hi." She greeted, her tone thoughtful. I had missed her voice, the sweet sound it was. Somewhat high pitched like a child's, it always made me smile. 

"Hi!" I heard my enthusiasm show through. She sat down in the seat in front of me just like she had four years ago. Except, back then, she had a cheerier smile. "You look really good, I like your new haircut." I complimented her, watching her lift her hand up to her hair and brush her fingers through the ends.

"Thanks, you know how I've been dying for one." She answered, her lips parting just a bit more. Dying. Couldn't she have used a better word? 

"So, how have you been?" I asked, although   
that question was supposed to be directed at me. Some may say I was stalling time until the focus became mine, but it had been some time since I had seen her. I just wanted to know how she's been doing without me.

"Okay, I suppose." She replied, playing with one of her bracelets again. She always seemed to do that when she was...nervous... What did she need to be nervous about? It was just her and me, was there something wrong with that? I was too afraid of the answer, so I didn't bring it up. "I've been seeing my friends a lot more often, it's nice to catch up with them."

What about me...?

"Speaking of, we're seeing a movie later today, it's been a while since I've even stepped foot into a theater." We both shared a small chuckle. "Other than that, nothing's really been going on." My heart shattered that, I tried hard not to let it show. She didn't say anything about wanting to do anything with me, needing me by her side, or even missing me.

I think I remembered why I broke away from her...it was always about her...

"Anyway, how about you? How's everything been going here?" Did she actually care to know, or was it just out of politeness to ask? I usually could tell, but her eyes were unreadable today. How satisfying, yet terrifying. 

I couldn't hide my smile. "Better than you'd think, actually." Her attention was caught by that, her eyes widening as her small smile began to morph into a larger one. "At first this place was really scary, I didn't know where you brought me." Another giggle was shared, how I missed the sound of hers. Heartwarming. "Yet, what I just needed to do was to talk to people, and surprisingly I have.

"On my first day I met eight people." I didn't need anymore than that, who I had were just perfect in their own ways. Their quirks didn't bother me, their insecurities didn't get in the way, their personalities in general were humble and light. I wonder if they saw me this way...

"That's great to hear!" She actually sounded happy, happy that I was doing just fine here. But, I was a little displeased to know she was doing the same without me...

...just fine...

"What are their names?" She questioned, resting an arm on the table. I was glad we had something that still connected us.

"There's Jordan, he's really sweet, like you." She smirked at that. She wouldn't have if I had said what I thought, sweet like you used to be... "And Dan, he treats me like the brother he never had. Dex and I really get along, I learned more about him yesterday, actually." I was amazed to see her smile never fade. 

"Spencer has been extremely understanding. Joe has, too, he's always joking around with me." I didn't care if she wanted to listen or not, it felt nice to talk about my friends. The word friends and the color orange went hand in hand. "Seamus and I are close, he thinks I'm a really good artist. Kevin is adjusting to me being part of their small group, I really hope we get to bond more before whomever leaves first. 

"And, James...I don't really know too much about him, but at the same time, it feels like I do. Our true meeting wasn't the best, but since then, we've been good to each other. I'm glad I know him." I concluded as Domi hummed gladly, perhaps she was even pleased with the progress I was making.

"You know, maybe when we're all out of here, you can meet them. They're all really nice." Domi's smile lessened for a second before growing again. She replaced her real content with fake. Even the smallest of expressions could hurt the weakest parts of me. "But, before then, maybe we could do something together. You and me, something romantic." Dex said take a leap of faith.

I just didn't know whether I'd fall or land.

Domi dipped her head after I spoke, an action that wasn't a good sign. I just wanted to try and fix things with her, put our hearts in sync again. Hopefully second chances are as real as success. Domi closed her eyes before letting out a sigh, I could tell there was something that needed to be said.

Whether it was something I wanted to hear, that was a different story.

"Aleks..." She began, her voice fairly quiet. She swallowed before continuing on. "...I don't think I can do this anymore." She put an emphasis on 'this', referring to us. She couldn't do us. She didn't want an us, and those words just made my heart sink. I thought she was too sweet to do this to me...I guess the dark was what I was left in all along.

"I'm really sorry, Aleks, I really am. I don't mean to do this to you, but dealing with your condition is really weighing down on me." Her voice started to get caught in her throat, she couldn't even look me in the eye. "It's puts me through a lot of stress, and now hearing that you're better, I think you, us both, can be better off without one another."

I was desperate now, I didn't want Domi to leave. I was realizing how important she is to me, I didn't want all of that love to go to waste. "No, no, Domi, please. I'm getting better, I'm changing. I need you, please, don't do this." I begged, feeling tears reenter my eyes. This time, not ones of joy. I didn't want to get worked up, last time I did...

..."Please, don't do this, Domi."

I saw tears fill her eyes as well before she closed them, she didn't want to cry in front of me. I already was in front of her. "I know you are, and I'm proud of you. I am, Aleks, from the bottom of my heart." What heart? It's always been her mind telling her what to do. Maybe, this is what the heart wants... "I'm so sorry, I just..." She couldn't go on.

"You don't love me." I forced myself to say, the words making more tears become exposed. I always knew Domi didn't anymore, but now I was facing that reality. It scared me more than anything, having her leave me. Now, it was actually happening, and I wasn't planned for the aching it caused in my heart.

"No, Aleks, don't say that..." She pleaded, her words frail. I knew she didn't want to say it that way, but those were the words she was trying to avoid. She didn't love me. And, I was starting to lose my love for her. 

"Why?" I retorted, feeling my heart scorch. "You don't. It's okay, Domi, it...it's fine. We were bound to break someday..." The truth felt like that razor slicing my wrist again.

"I just need you to understand that-" My anger cut her off.

"That it's my problems that you don't need. I get it..." I felt my lip tremble, I bit it hard with my teeth. "You want to live the life you deserve, and that life isn't with someone as fucked up as me." No one could have said it better.

She was silent for a minute, which meant I pinned her against the wall with the truth. Domi didn't love me, and now matter how hard she tried to hide it, I saw through her charades. Even she knew she was cracking, she couldn't deal with my pain anymore. Like I can... I'm guessing when she put me here, she had an opportunity to finally be free while I'm stuck in a cage.

A cage of white and blue.

I was just dead weight on her shoulders to her, but she didn't look twice to see that I was actually alive, just barely. But, now I'm learning how to live again, and it's the best experience I could ever imagine. Now, she just stabbed my heart...watched me bleed...watched me die...

...her sense of regret was gone. 

My sense of pain worsened.

"I just want you to know that I hope all the best for your recovery. I'm glad you're as good as you are, and I just you to head up from there." Her words sounded meaningful, but my state of shock made me hear them as untruthful. Domi didn't love me...why should she even care...why should anyone...?

She sniffled as she stood up from the table, tucking her, now, short hair back. "I guess this is goodbye." She whispered as I glanced up to see her face one last time. A button nose. Smooth chin. Tan complexion. Silky hair. Lovely eyes. Soft lips. 

"Goodbye." 

That was the last word I ever said to her.

She picked up her bag slowly, draping it   
onto her shoulder as she lowered her head. I heard her footsteps retreat out of the exit, followed my the small echo of the door closing. There I was, alone. I hadn't felt this alone in quite a while, and it felt so unsettling. Mainly because deep down I knew I was the reason I was alone.

I was despised by my parents, both wishing I was never born. My fellow classmates resented me, making me live my life as cold as my tears. Now, my...girlfriend...didn't love me for I was. She couldn't deal with the pain. Little did she know, that pain was my life. She couldn't handle it.

Neither can I.

I was pushed off the edge, that last string of hope I had left had been sliced. I felt so many things. Sadness. Regret. Rage. Vexation. Loneliness. And, above all, anger. Anger of myself, my life, my progress, and my excuse to still be alive. My excuse left me for a better life.

I wanted to do the same. One not in this facility, with these people, with these colors. With these safety precautions, these irregular regularities, these attempts to get better when I know it will be all for nothing. I won't get better, I've tried and was pushed back down further each time I failed. 

No point in swimming. I drowned. No point in climbing. I fell. No point in leaping. I missed. And, now I'm tumbling into darkness. 

I know how it feels all to well. A feeling like that can never be forgotten. But, I can.

I raced out of the room once Domi left, determination flooding my mind. Not the good kind, to recover, to learn, and to listen. The kind that controlled me before and redefined my life. And this time, I would let it not only redefine, but end.

Do myself a favor.

I slammed my door shut once inside of my room, and my attention was immediately aimed at the window. It was raining outside, making me feel even more miserable about myself. The weather can inflict a series of emotions onto a person. My tears ran like the rain. My frustration grumbled like the thunder. My actions were quick like the lightening.

When I first arrived here, I knew falling out of the window would result in death. Now, it would end in freedom. No one loved me, so what was the point of living? I was a waste of air, mass, and life. I was sickening, disgusting, revolting. Not even worth the tears I shed. But, I can't stop crying. I can't stop doing anything. I'm not in control, my issue is. Whatever it is, it's doing a good job.

It's doing me a favor...

I tried opening the window, but to no avail. Sealed shut. I tried busting the glass, but the only result was a throbbing hand. I yelled out in annoyance, pounding on the glass over and over, but no cracks were followed by shattering. I just wanted to die...why did it seem like the most difficult thing in the world? 

Just the simple subject of death was easy enough. You close your eyes, you take your last breath, and you slowly fade away. It seemed like paradise, a getaway for people like me. That's all I wanted to be: gone. No stress. No sobbing. No hatred towards me by me. I didn't want to feel anything except for the air escaping my lungs. I didn't want to see anything except the two colors I craved the most. I didn't want to do anything...

...but die.

I turned around from the window, searching around for a way to leave. My eyes soon found something under my bed, and I smiled. Domi may have broken my heart, and maybe even my mind, but I thanked her for the glorious present she mistakenly gave me.

I walked over to my bed and pulled out my duffle bag filled with my necessities. There was nothing on the inside that was valuable, it was something on the outside: the rope handle. I ripped it off of the fabric of the bag, struggling a bit, but retrieving what I needed. I heard myself laugh as I knew what would come next, something long awaited for.

Release.

I placed the rope around my neck, tying it over and over to make sure that it was tight. I then pulled on to the two ends, bringing it close to my neck, cutting off my air supply. I started choking, but I pulled tighter, the material feeling rough against my skin.

It felt amazing.

The familiar sensation of burning returned in my lungs as I struggled to breath, but this time I didn't mind it. It wasn't a panic attack this time. It was bliss... I felt myself becoming weaker, but I was determined to keep tugging on those ends. I knew my face was red by now, my neck, presumably, turning purple. If only I could see for myself, it would be sensational.

The only color I saw was white. 

White blinding my eyes, the color of the walls surrounding me blending as my vision blurred. Tears didn't help, they only made it brighter. White would be the last color I see, not red, not black, not even purple. Yet, white is the absorption of all colors. 

Even...tan...

"Al...!" I heard a familiar voice call, followed by the color of tan beginning to replace the white. Tan only reminded me of one person...James...was James with me? Or, was this just an illusion? One last memory before my memories were dead? "Al...s! ...eks!" The voice called over and over, bits and pieces of my name being heard.

The person sounded worried. The person sounded scared. The person sounded petrified. But, I couldn't help them. The only thing I could do was help myself.

And with that, my vision faded entirely.

Goodbye...?


	10. Chapter 10: Brown

Chapter 10: Brown

"Breathe...please, please. Breathe." I heard a panicked voice beg, their voice sounding familiar. But, I couldn't respond. I was in a state where interacting with others was impossible, I didn't even know where I was. I tried to open my eyes, but to no avail. I could only listen, but the pleads were too heartbreaking.

"Please be okay..." He whispered as I felt a droplet fall onto my face. A tear. The person was crying. Because of what I did...someone did care...and, here I was causing them this pain... 

I wanted to be able to wake up. I wanted to hold this person close. I wanted to tell them that I was okay, and that there was no need to cry. But, I couldn't. The only thing I could do was remain lifeless as this person took in reality. I just wanted to see who it was...

...an angel or a devil.

"Please, just breathe...," The person's breathless whispers carried on, "I need you to be alright...I need you..."

Need...me...?

That was the last thing I remembered before blacking out entirely.  
* * * * * * 

I took a deep breath upon waking up. It hurt my lungs to take in such a large gasp, but until now, oxygen never felt so good. So needed. Like I apparently was. I'm not sure of who was with me, the voice sounded recognizable, but I was too tired to try and think.

A head ache didn't consume me like last time, this time it was just fatigue. And a sore neck. I remembered the roughness of the rope as it rubbed against my skin, the feeling, at the time, being the most desirable. Now, it just made me cringe like nails on a chalkboard. But now, the feeling was gone, replaced with the coldness of my room...

...my room wasn't always this cold...

I opened my eyes to see the ceiling as the usual color of white. But, I wasn't in the same position as I'd always see it. I sat up slightly to see that this wasn't my room. The layout was the same, but it wasn't mine. 

I've tried to kill myself twice. I've failed twice. I've woken up twice. Both times, not in heaven nor hell.

That was what Littleton Rehabilitation Center was...

Like last time, the door abruptly opened, this time it being halfway across the room instead a few feet away from the bed. There was again a window in the door, except this time instead of being greeted by Steven, Dr. Cardona entered the room. His expression looked worried, although he sighed with relief. I didn't know what to say, I just sat there and waited.

"Aleks," He began, his tone mollifying, "are you feeling okay?" He asked, meeting the edge of my bed and sitting down. I pulled my knees to my chest and aimed my head down, shaking it. I felt tears prick my eyes by the thought of what I tried to do, and it hurt worse than last time.

"Hey, it's alright, Aleks." I felt him place a hand on my shoulder. I lifted my head up to see his brown eyes shining through my teared vision. They were comforting, which was something that I yearned for. I wiped at my eyes briefly whilst taking deep breaths to calm myself.

Eddie let out a short breath. "Now, I understand that this is going to be difficult, but we're going to have to talk about it." His voice was soft as he spoke. "I just want to help you." Those six words were like heaven to me. Someone out there wanted to make sure I was okay. And if I wasn't, they would do all in their power to make it so.

"Are you ready?" He wondered as I nodded, relaxing my legs somewhat. Eddie waited a moment before speaking. "Why did you do it?" His question sounded concerning, it wasn't the usual tone from your doctor. Eddie cared, too. My attempt, both of them, were mistakes. Why did I try to leave such devoted people behind? I was such an idiot, why couldn't I see it before? I am cared about...

...and I was about to cause all of those people pain...

I started to tear up again as I thought about it, thinking about how much my death would hurt people. What if I actually did die? What would become of me? How would Eddie feel? Jordan? Seamus? Dex? Such inspirational people loved me, but my problems blinded me from that. What if I actually left them? The thought scared me...I didn't even realize I was sobbing until I felt Eddie hold me.

"Hey, Aleks, it's alright." His soft voice whispered to me, his accent alone making some of the tears stop. "I understand, it's hard to talk about. That's alright, Aleks." Dr. Cardona was such a loving person, and knowing that, I allowed my ears to do something that Domi's never did.

Listen to my heart.

"I did it-it b-because my girl-girlfriend broke up with m-me." I explained through my weeps, trying to steady my breathing. "Sh-She couldn't de-deal with my condition, a-and she couldn't deal w-with me..." My voice trailed off as I held onto Dr. Cardona tighter. 

"I'm so sorry, Aleks." He sympathized, rubbing my back gently. This comfort Eddie was supplying me just made more tears fall, some sad, some joyous. I was glad I was alive, pleased about being saved. I was scared of the fact that I almost witnessed my own death, but I was relieved that I didn't. I was grateful for my life, grateful for these people, this help, these arms around me.

I shouldn't have let one person knock me down, I shouldn't have jumped over that edge. I know now that there are many people who care for me, and I couldn't be more thankful for that. For them. This tenderness was one thing that made me realize this. So what if I didn't matter to her? I mattered to the rest of them.

I wouldn't let her put me down anymore. I was here to recover, and that's exactly what I plan to do.

Just start by talking...

"We were together for four years, and she promised to take care of me." I continued on with a small voice, beginning to let go of Eddie. I sniffled before saying more. Eddie didn't even need to ask the questions, I was telling all. I knew he could help me, and this was the only way he could. "And, in the start, she kept to that vow, and took care of me. But, I knew it was against her will by the time we hit two years together."

Eddie raised one eyebrow above the other at that. "What do you mean, Aleks?" His   
question was polite. 

I swallowed the sudden lump in my throat. "Our relationship only existed because she felt bad for me in high school. She stayed with me just to make sure I was alright, but her affection didn't last much longer past that." I remembered seeing her care slowly decrease within the years, the change was drastic. It only shredded my heart into tinier pieces. "And that really killed me because I loved her so much no matter what while I knew she barely felt anything for me anymore.

"She started paying attention to me less and less, and I kept getting worse and worse. The only reason she saved me the first time was out of guilt." I heard Eddie let the air out of his lungs by that. Domi didn't feel love. She only felt sympathy and tediousness. One more than the other. "Yet, she didn't show any when she let me go..." My voice trailed off, all I wanted was what was best for her.

Now, it kills me to know that I wasn't. And, I probably never will be for anyone.

"H...How did you feel when she told you?" Dr. Cardona whispered, his hand finding my arm again. Just the smallest act of comfort found its way to my heart.

"I don't know exactly..." I mumbled, trying to concentrate on one emotion in particular. But no, one emotion would have been too simple. "I knew she didn't love me, but actually seeing, made me...heartbroken. Understanding that she didn't want me made me feel abandoned, alone, rejected yet again." The ways I felt in high school, never to be accepted by others. I thought I finally was when I saw her bright face, but the storm clouds re-covered it the moment I felt hope.

"And, I was upset, and angry, a bit annoyed, extremely scared." I remembered each feeling have its own moment in the spotlight, making my world more confusing. "I was upset with the way she let me down, she knew I was getting better, but after all we've been through, it was me she couldn't deal with. She just used my condition as an excuse.

"Realizing that made me angered, she couldn't deal with me any longer than I could just being me. I became annoyed with who I was, Aleks Marchant wasn't good enough to live in this world." I couldn't control my words, I just told Eddie...everything...as much as it was sad, it felt good...

"And, this feeling took over me again like last time I tried to do...it. I wasn't in power, and I got so scared. But, at the time it felt so right. I was desperate to die, and I took whatever measures it cost to just...end it all." My voice started to get caught again. "I was scared of me..." I barely murmured, not even sure if Dr. Cardona could hear me. "I was my own worst enemy...and I let that side of me win..."

"You didn't, Aleks." Eddie spoke up, his words making me ponder. "Aleks, if you let that side win, you wouldn't be here right now. All that side did was scare you into knowing that its there. It didn't take you, and I don't think it ever will." He wiped away a small tear of mine. "You're strong, Aleks, I can see it in you. You might deny it all, saying that you're the complete opposite. But, that's a lie.

"You're just a bit overwhelmed right now, not knowing what path to take. But, you will pull through. I've seen it happen before, and I know it can happen again. I can see the devotion in you, you do want to get better. And, you are." Just hearing him admit that changed the world for me. "Sure, you had a moment where not everything was clear. We all experience it. You fell. But, you're getting back up.

"And you're going to be better than ever." His crooked smile made me grin a bit, too.

"I really appreciate you telling me all of this. I know it's far from easy, and I can't explain how proud I am of you. What you've explained has really made me focus on your diagnosis, and I think once you know it, it will send you on a path that won't seem so confusing." Eddie explained, I hoped that he was right. I've been under such a great deal of stress, maybe this disclosure could help me along.

"Aleks, I believe you have a generalized anxiety disorder." Just listening to the word 'disorder' made me feel as undesirable as Domi saw me. Labeled me. Tried so hard not to say to me, but did a poor job in doing so. "Don't get worried, Aleks, you're going to be okay.

"You've experienced many symptoms of anxiety. The many feelings, scared, upset, angered. You felt the way you have because of it, too. When you feel disgusted about yourself, or if you feel as if you aren't good enough. And, when feeling too much of this, the pain and the bad thoughts, anxiety attacks are the main outcome. And, unfortunately, you've had to deal with the hurt through those." Eddie carried on, he understood completely about what I was going through, and it made me feel relaxed to know that somebody finally comprehended me.

"Yet, alongside the bad, there are many good things to recovery that you've been doing, whether you noticed or not." He started, lifting my spirits. There was a way out of this, and it wasn't death. It was simply just living. "People with anxiety tend to be nervous, but as you've told me, you've made eight friends. That's incredible, and I'm super amazed by that. But, what else you've been doing has really made me smile.

"You're listening to their stories, and it's helping them and you. When they tell their story, it makes them confident. It makes them feel good to have someone to talk to, possibly even better to someone as understanding as you have been." He smiled. "You're learning their mistakes and flaws, comparing it to yours, and using their tactics of recuperation for yourself. That's marvelous, and I urge you to continue using this method." I smiled at Eddie's words, it felt nice to be complimented. Eddie felt like a father to me, guiding me, and helping me move past my errors. It felt good to feel his love, which was something neither of my parents even owned. 

Eddie was a kind spirit. He had open arms, a soothing voice, a sense of compassion and care. He probably never raised a bottle to his lips like my mom. He probably never passed out constantly like my dad. Or, hit me until either came out first: tears or blood. He probably never laughed at the sights either.

Eddie placed his hand on my shoulder again, his sepia eyes studying mine. "You're a fantastic person, Aleks. You just made a mistake, that's all." He sighed, taking another look at me. "I feel bad doing this, but you're going to have to stay here," he gestured to the room, "for a little while. Steven probably mentioned that little blocked off area in your hallway."

I remembered passing it, two large doors keeping the one side concealed. The place where I heard screaming. The place away from my friends. The place that people tried to leave physically...or spiritually... I didn't want to reside in there, but not all dreams come true.

"That's where you are, under high security and super vision. I feel terrible, but it's just a safety precaution. And, it's only for a week." A week, seven days, one hundred and sixty eight hours, say it however you want to say it, I was trapped. On the outside, and the inside. "But, don't worry. You can still go out to see your friends, eat in the cafeteria, attend the therapy classes. The only difference that will really be made is that Steven will be checking up on you a bit more often." 

It wasn't too much of a drag, I still had most of my freedom. I didn't mind Steven, he was one of the sweetest people I know. Besides, I deserved to be in here after what I did. It wasn't a punishment, more of a time to step back and think about how want to live my life. I already have somewhat of a plan on how to live it.

The right way.

"I'm glad we got to talk again, and I'm looking forward to our next meeting." I nodded my head at that, agreeing. "Why don't you go and see your friends again? Tell them they have nothing to worry about." Eddie suggested as I accepted, both of us standing from the bed.

We walked out the door and down an unknown corridor, it feeling more eerie on the inside than the out. But, I wouldn't have to deal with it long. In seven days, I'd be back in my own hallway, in my own room, in my own bed. Definitely sound, and absolutely safe. Eddie spoke with a guard by the door, he was quite short, and seemed friendly enough.

"How are you today, Aron?" Eddie wondered, the two smiling at one another. 

"Pretty good, you?" Aron replied, typing in a pass code for the door. Eddie answered with a similar response, then introduced myself to him. "Nice to meet you, Aleks. Hopefully, you won't be staying in these parts long." The three of us laughed at that, yet another person whose humor was humble.

We walked down the remainder of my usual hallway before leaving out the door to the foyer of activities. Eddie departed after a little while, the two of us sharing one last hug before I wondered on what to do. I missed breakfast, but I wasn't necessarily hungry. It would be a while before lunch, so maybe my appetite would change by then.

I looked around the room, smiling again as my eyes glazed over that guitar. Yet, I wasn't in the mood to play again, I just wanted to take it easy considering how yesterday and this morning went. I was still scared, no matter how much thankfulness I was feeling. What if I have actually gone through with it? What if I wasn't saved? How would the others react? Who would break the news to them? How would it affect them?

What are they thinking of me now?

That was a popular question I'd send to the back of my mind in school. Everytime I'd be ridiculed, I would always wonder what they were thinking of me. What my name meant to them. What my feelings amounted to. What those bruises and cuts inferred. What those kids said about me. What they wanted to do to me. What they wanted to happen to me.

Sooner or later, I always found out.

But, right now, I didn't know. And, that's a great fear, the knowing of not knowing. What was Jordan contemplating about me? Was Joe worried? Is Dan scared for me? Did Dex not even react? Is Spencer going to follow my footsteps? Will Seamus be able to recover from it? Will Kevin treat me differently? 

How will James treat me?

That question struck my fear from the core.

I shook my head, shivering at the thoughts. I needed to take it easy today, not place myself in uncomfortable positions. Do something I enjoy today, something that relieves stress. I could only think of one place to go as I felt myself wear a small smile.

 

I entered the art room.

Drawing kept me at peace, letting my mind wander and calm down. I didn't realize how much it helped until Seamus showed me. He helped me find a safe haven to turn to, something to look forward to doing when things get rough. Like right now, all I wanted was to be steady and be happy.

Although, all I felt right now was nervous, and a bit unsure.

I walked into the room, and looked around for a blonde fellow with tired eyes, yet an uplifting smile. But, I didn't see any of those attributes when I looked at a table. No blonde hair. Only black. No tired eyes. Only those brown ones I've been hypnotized by. No uplifting smile. In fact, it looked more sad than uplifting. And, it didn't belong to Seamus.

It was James'.

He looked up slightly as I entered the room, but his focus became mine as he noticed who I was. He looked worried, but at the same time relieved. He looked at me with an expression that begged for me to come over. I made my way to the table, making sure to smile on my way there to tell him I was okay.

That's what Eddie would want...

"Hi." I greeted him, although I was terrified of seeing him, I was glad to. Glad to see that cheerful face of his again. 

"Hey." He responded as I pushed my chair in. "How are you today?" He wondered, giving me his full attention. He tried his best to maintain a smile, yet his eyes read sorrow.

He knew. I could tell he knew.

"I'm fine." I answered, my answer seeing to make James less tense. "How about you?" I questioned, making James' eyes fall to his blank paper. He sighed before replying, biting the inside of his cheek.

"Okay, I guess..." James' voice trailed away, shaking his head while answering. "You did give me quite a scare yesterday, though." James confessed, his voice wavering. His eyes lifted slightly to my neck before drifting away, I raised a hand to my neck and slowly placed my fingers to it.

There wasn't a prominent mark, but I could still feel the vague indentations of the rope.

"I went to check on you yesterday after your girlfriend had come to visit. You were really happy about it at breakfast, I was excited to hear how it went." James started, his tone frail. He was lightly sketching at his paper while he continued. "And, then, I went to the door and...I saw you and the rope around..." I felt my guilt increase as tears fell from his eyes.

"I got so panicked, and I ran in and took the rope away, you were losing consciousness. I called for Dr. Cardona and Steven as I held you...I needed you to be okay..." His words formed an epiphany in my head that made my heart hurt even worse.

It was James.

James saved me. He chased away death and let me live. He stayed with me. He held me. He pleaded for me to breath. To be okay. To not leave. He said he needed me...it was James...

"I'm so sorry..." I apologized, causing James to look up. I wiped away tears as I spoke. "I didn't mean to scare you like that, I'm so sorry you had to see that, James. I really am, and I promise to not do that again." That was a promise I could make and keep. "You saved me, and I'm really grateful for that. You saved my life, James. And, I will never put you through that pain again...

"...I'm so sorry..."

James' smile bled through only for a second before he opened his mouth again. "It's okay, I understand that what happened is part of what you're going through. The reason for you being here is personal, I get it. You have your reasons, whether they're feasible or not, you go by them. And, I'm not one to judge. I'm just glad you're okay, that's all I need to know." 

I was taken aback by his words. I was somebody's concern. In order for them to be alright, I had to be alright. Domi could've learned a thing or two from James. His statements warmed my heart, this warmth being one of pure happiness. I couldn't contain it as I wrapped my arms around James quickly, holding him close to me.

Tightly.

"I need you, too, James." I whispered, feeling his arms place themselves on my back. "You've made my life a whole lot better just by your first greeting to me. You've made me feel welcome, and even though we had that rough patch, we've pulled through. Thank you for being in my life, James." I spoke in mumbled words, but I knew he could make them out by his response.

"Of course, Aleks. And, thank you for being in mine."


	11. Chapter 11: Pink

Thank you for being in mine.

I pondered those words for the few days that followed.

Thank you for being in mine.

I was confused by those six words, but the person who said them made me wonder more. Why did James say that? I don't see the importance of me in his life. He is in mine, he saved me. If it weren't for him, I'd be...gone. I never did anything like that for him before. Not even the smallest of favors. Why was I needed in his life?

What was I to him? 

What about me caused him to say those words? Why did I matter? There's no way he needs me, I could barely take care of myself before I came here. Is there something he sees in me? Because whenever I look in the mirror, I just see tired eyes and a damaged soul. And now, being in this room for three days, there is no mirror to peer into.

No damaged soul to stare at.

Is that how James sees me? Damaged? Broken? Irregular among the rest? Or, does he see a light in me? Something he wants to help me bring out? Or, is this just a hopeless plead I made up about how I wish there was something like that inside of me? But, there can't be. It's too dark to see. But, light enough to see that there is nothing there, nothing spectacular about me.

My parents didn't see it. They only saw me as a way to fuel out their frustration. My classmates didn't see it. I was only just a punching bag to them, a toy to be tossed around. Domi didn't see it. In fact, she abandoned it. Abandoned me. I always felt like I was, but the true feeling didn't compare.

It hurt worse than the rope.

Worse than the blade.

But, as much as those words bewildered me, the sound of them made me smile. It was me who made so called 'difference'. I was glad I was here, in this place, meeting these people. Eddie was right, it's helping myself as well as the others. James proved that. I was needed.

For what, I was only hoping to find out.

I checked up with Steven for the third time today before trying to figure out how to spend the day. Steven, as well as Eddie, both knew I understood my mistake, which caused them to feel bad about placing me under such suffocating attention. Everyday it's been the same, wake up, check with Steven. Grab some breakfast with the others, check with Steven. Enjoy an activity, head to the cafeteria for some lunch. Steven.

Sometimes Steven would pop in between the two.

He'd check up on me after dinner, and just before I went to sleep. I knew he found it as ridiculous as I, but it was just part of his job, and his own personal concern. But, everytime he asked how I was feeling, I always told him that I doing just fine. He'd smile at that. 

It was the truth, ever since my second incident, I've been building away from that. That life I was living would only end in destruction. I saw it coming, and I didn't want it to end that way. I didn't want it end. I'm pulling myself together, learning from my mistakes and starting over. My past is still my past, but I won't let it control my present.

I won't cry from the remembrance of the taunts. I won't shutter from how my parents treated me. I won't beat myself up over Domi. Memories. All they are, are memories. Nightmares, illusions, recollections. I won't be able to forget them, but I will be able to ignore.

With a little help.

"Hey." I heard a voice say, turning my head towards the source. My eyes found ones as brown as mine, and I smiled at the face. Kevin. He wore a shy smile as my attention was caught, he seemed nervous, but I was patient. Over time, Kevin had become familiar with me, and now I was glad he found the courage to try and speak with me one on one.

"What's up, Kevin?" I asked him, stepping a bit closer to him so the distance between us wasn't awkward. I could tell he wanted to talk about something, so I let him take his time.

"I realized that over the time of you being here, we never really got to know about each other." He started, it was the most I had ever heard him speak. "Do you want to go to the gym and play basketball with me? We could talk meanwhile." Kevin gave a nervous laugh with his words.

I loved the idea.

I followed him to the gymnasium, it being my first time there. It was rather large, perhaps as big as the library. There were a few other patients in the room, all playing small games of their own. My main focus in sports were running, and boxing. It might be nice to try something new.

"Hey, Kevin!" I heard a feminine voice call to him. I looked up from my gaze at the floor to see a young female make her way over to us, her hair a light blonde. "How are you today?" She wondered, her blue eyes glittering in the light. I turned to Kevin who wore another timid smile, a shy blush on his face, yet he looked at her with confident eyes.

I remember feeling that way with Domi. Now, there's nothing for her in my heart.

"Really good today, thanks." Kevin   
answered, she giggled at his response. "This is my friend, Aleks." He introduced me, her sweet eyes finding mine. "He's going to be playing with me today." He called me his friend. I couldn't help, but beam.

"Nice to meet you, Aleks!" She was another enthusiastic spirit at this place. "I'm Lauren." She told me, she smiled, showing her perfect teeth. She was a very beautiful girl, I could tell why Kevin was acting the way he was around her. 

Lauren directed us to a room in the gym, not as large, yet quite big. Half an hour was the only time given for us, but that didn't matter. I was happy to spend any time with Kevin. He closed the door to the room, basketball at hand, his blush still lingering.

"Lauren's really nice." I commented, my eyes drifting around the room before meeting Kevin again. He nodded his head, chuckling slightly. "When did you meet her?" The fact that Kevin was in love was adorable. To see this side of him was amazing, it shows that though we're here in this center, we're no different than anyone else.

Love isn't just for the gifted. It's for all God's creatures.

I wondered when I'd receive mine.

Kevin was hesitant a moment before replying. He looked up at me with the basketball in his hands, and smiled as he let go of a breath. "When I first came here, I was really scared of going out of my comfort zone. I liked to play basketball before I came here, and once I found out there was a gym, that was the first thing I wanted to do.

"I was a bit shy with going in, I barely trusted anyone. I didn't know anyone, not even Dan and the others." He dribbled the ball as he walked nearer to me. "Lauren saw me enter and respected my shyness, she didn't make me feel uneasy. I soon became familiar with her, and I've been really close with her ever since." He tossed the ball to me to which I sloppily caught it, making Kevin laugh.

"She's super nice, really smart, and funny. She makes me laugh all the time." I smiled at his words. "And, she's very pretty." He whispered, his eyes drifting to the floor. Kevin reminded me of myself when I thought about Domi. My favorite thing about her was her hair, long, flowy, a chestnut brown that made my heart melt. 

"What's your favorite thing about her?" I asked, aiming for a basket. Missed. I grabbed the ball and tossed it back to Kevin, his smile growing wider as he thought.

"Her lips." He answered, standing in the same place I once stood. "They're perfect, almost. Not too light, not too dark. The beautiful color of pink. They fit her well." He explained, biting at his lower lip as he threw the ball. 

"That's sweet of you to say." I commented as he retrieved the ball. Hearing him talk about this subject only reminded me of her. How I thought I loved her. How I thought she loved me. How reality hit me hard when her affection terminated, what it felt like to sink after that. And, how her trickery of care made me hit bottom and beyond.

"Have you ever felt this way with your   
girlfriend?"

That word made my heart implode.

My gaze fell to the recently buffed floor. My girlfriend. I was once proud to call Domi that. Now, it made me sick to my stomach. "Is everything alright?" Kevin wondered, keeping the ball stationary for now. I heard him take a few steps nearer, but not any too close. Either due to his condition, or just to give me space.

"She isn't my girlfriend anymore." I whispered, but the echoes in the room made my words audible. I heard Kevin exhale with compassion. What we had wasn't your normal break up. Domi had a break away. I had a break down.

"I'm really sorry to hear that." Kevin mumbled as I lifted my head back up. Kevin meant what he said, his eyes showing commiseration as his eyebrows tensed. "I'm sorry for bringing it up, I truly am." Kevin apologized over and over while the advice of Eddie was stuck in my head.

Tell them everything's okay.

I smiled at him, appreciating his care. "That's alright, Kevin. You don't have to feel bad, I'm getting over her. You guys are helping." Kevin beamed at that as he bounced the ball back to me. "But, to answer your question, at one point I did feel that way with her. I felt on top of the world when I met her, she was very gorgeous. I was a bit humble in saying that we were dating. 

"I know how you feel, it's pretty great. And, I hope something good happens between you and Lauren. Just seeing you two interact back there was pretty cute." We both chuckled at that as I tried to make a another basket.

I need some practice.

"Thanks. And, I hope you find someone new." Kevin told me, obtaining the ball for me. "Someone better." 

Better. The one thing I've always wanted to be.

We played a small game after our conversation, Kevin won by a lot. Basketball wasn't my strong suit. After missing my last basket, Kevin fell back laughing, I couldn't help, but chuckle with him. I could box. I could play an instrument. I could draw, but if there was anything will a ball involved, I ultimately sucked. I sat on the floor next to Kevin, looking up at the clock, seeing we had a little less than ten minutes left.

I didn't want a second to go to waste. 

"If I tell her I like her, do you think she'll like me, too?" Kevin pondered, rolling the ball across the floor towards me. I stopped it with my pointer, titling my head back up to Kevin. His expression wore doubt as he pouted slightly.

"Why wouldn't she?" I asked, pushing the ball back to him. "She seemed to be very fond of you, why wouldn't she feel the same?" I wondered, stopping the ball Kevin rolled back with my palm.

Kevin sighed shakily, clearing his throat. "I'm just a little afraid that she might not accept me." He spoke in a low timbre. "It might be my condition that chases her away, who loves a guy with paranoia...?" 

"Don't put yourself down, Kevin." I told him, pushing the ball back into his hands. "Don't let fear scare you, if you have a feeling, pursue after it." I started, telling him advice from the bottom of my heart. I only wanted to see Kevin succeed. "Fear is a common factor in all of our lives, some greater than others. Mine is the reason I'm here." Kevin looked surprised at that.

"What I'm learning to do, and you can too, is to learn to ignore it. Every little piece of fret that decides to tag along you can learn how to forget about. Just focus on the good things, you're in love with Lauren." Kevin's cheeks turned pink once more. "Don't be afraid of that, don't let anything stand in your way. If it's love you seek, it's love you will get...

"...just take that leap of faith."

It was quiet a minute or two, just silence as we rolled the ball back to one another while Kevin took in my words. Dex's words, I should say. I was learning from the best and passing it on, and I've never felt greater. To be helped is one thing, but to help someone else has to be one of the best feelings on this planet.

Just to see their smile when they come to conclusions...

"I'm going to tell her." Kevin announced, passing me the ball before standing up. "I'm going to take a leap of faith, and tell her how I feel. Thank you, Aleks. You really are a magnificent friend." I teared up at that. The simplest words touched my heart. "I'm going to tell her, I'll be right back." 

With that, he took a breath, and left the room. 

I smiled at him, proud of the decision he made. Kevin was braver than he thought, he wasn't letting his paranoia and worries get in the way. He's let me in, he's let Spencer and the others, and now he's letting Lauren farther in. Into his heart.

This all made me remember when I asked Domi to go out with me, I remembered the mixed feelings of determination, anxiety, and sadness. I found my way around it and asked her the question. It was all just a waste of time...

"Hey...Domi?" I called her name, as she lifted her head from her lunch tray. She was sitting in the same seat she first sat in, looking as stunning as ever. Her hair was up in a bun, a pink scarf covered the top of her white shirt, and her blue jeans and sneakers fitting well with both her outfit, and personality.

"What's up?" She wondered, flashing me a smile from across the table.

I remember my nervousness build up when I knew what I was going to ask her. I was afraid of rejection, possibly building up to the downfall of our friendship. I didn't want to lose the only person I had left just because of a simple fuck up.

A fuck up like me.

"Domi, I uh... I wanted to k-know if you would like...to, uh...go out with me." The question didn't sound as pleasing as I wanted it to, but at least I had said it. Now, I just had to wait for an answer.  
She looked at me, a bit startled, presumably not expecting that as my topic. It took her a minute, but then she smiled. At the time, it was a real smile. "Of course, Aleks." She replied, the both of us giggling at what just happened.

I was her boyfriend. 

She was my girlfriend.

Was...

Not much time had flown past by the time Kevin reentered the room. I couldn't tell what happened by his expression, it was blank. Not a good sign, nor a bad. He made his way back over to me, sitting in the same spot he once did.

"What did you say to her?" I questioned, pushing the basketball back over to him. He swallowed before reporting back.

"I asked her, if she wanted, to go to a movie with me I get out of here in a month." He told me, drumming his fingers on the basketball before sending it in my direction.

"What did she say?" Kevin's eyes found mine as he opened his mouth slowly.

"She said she'd love to." 

I smiled widely at that as Kevin did the same, laughing at the humbleness flooding the room. "I'm so proud of you, Kevin! Oh my god, that's amazing! I'm so happy for you!" I praised, making Kevin's cheeks turn brighter.  
"This wouldn't have happened without you." Kevin said with a large smile. "Thank you, Aleks. It might be a bit of an exaggeration, but I think you might have changed my life." I felt my cheeks blushing now, too. "Thank you." He repeated, chortling once more.

There was a small gap of quietness before Kevin sat himself up onto his knees, leaned forward, and hugged me. I was startled by such an action, this was new for Kevin. He was making so much progress, I was glad to see it before my very eyes. I brought myself closer to him while wrapping my arms around him. 

Comfort was something I craved. And not only did I receive it, I supplied it. And, I was happy to know that I could.


	12. Chapter 12: Blue

Usually Thursdays would haunt me. Everything that had happened to me fell on that day, and things that happened were never good. A Thursday was when it was my first official day here, a terrifying experience to say the least. A Thursday was when I lost Domi, and whatever was left of my strength.

But, this Thursday, two weeks of being here, might change things for the better. Today was the day I got to return to my room. My room in between Seamus' and Dan's. My room, the bed in the far corner, the door not too far away. My room that I called home, that I felt safe in, that I called mine.

I missed my room. 

I smiled when I placed my hand on the doorknob, the sense of familiarity taking over. I pushed open the door, and withdrew a breath as I smiled. To anyone else, they would've been afraid to see the inside of this room again. Right there was where I tried to break the window. Right there, under the bed, was where I found my object for 'escape'. Right there, on the floor, was where my life was almost taken.

And, also, saved.

But, I wasn't about to let my fear and reluctance consume me like before. I wanted to be in control of my life, and to do that, I had to overpower my fear. It wouldn't be the easiest of things, but I was determined to accomplish my goal. To see the true beauty in the world everywhere I go, to let go of the shadows, and to know that there are no monsters.

To not be scared.

I was doing it. I saw it myself, which I was amazed about. Eddie saw it, and supported me down this road. Steven saw it, and showed me his inner most care. Jordan, Joe, and the others saw it, and they were helping me along. They accepted me for who I was, they all referred to me as a friend, they enjoyed my company and hospitality.

I was more than just a patient to Eddie, Steven, and Monica. They gave me their undivided attention, their warm smiles, their sweet words, joyous comfort, and grateful compassion. They made me feel like family, they cared for me in such a way that I couldn't help, but smile at. 

They made me smile... 

I was much more than just a listener to Dan, Spencer, and Joe. By them telling their stories to others, it makes them more confident about talking to others. I hoped I'd be like them one day, able to share my experience with them. They were thankful for my approbation, and I was glad they were being considerate to myself in return.

I was more than just someone who had commonalities with Kevin. I've helped his life get better, and I'm happy to say he's doing the same with me. I was more than just someone who understood Dex's struggles. His parents were the reason he put that needle in his arm. My parents were the cause for that razor being pressed against my skin.

Well, partially the cause...

I was more than just a person who admired Seamus' work. He admired mine as well as me. Seamus said he was pleased to know someone as amazing as myself. Over my time in the other room, I've spent some more time with Seamus drawing. We've gotten to know one another better, and we've made a true bond.

I was more to Jordan than just someone who looked like he needed someone to talk to. Jordan was glad to be able to do more than that: be my friend. I looked up to him, he was a kind spirit that meant no harm. He was innocent, he just fell down a rocky road. But, he's picking himself back up, starting anew with a happier life.

It'd be a lie if I said I didn't want to be just like him.

I was more than...

...I don't know. 

I don't know how James saw me, he said I was a great person. That was it. I wasn't a patient to him. Why categorize me as something he is, too? I wasn't a listener to him. We've never exchanged back stories. The only commonality I knew of between us two was that we were in this institution.

Make that two. We're both getting better.

I admired James, he was much better than when he first arrived here. That was all I wanted to be. I wasn't just somebody James wanted to talk with. I could tell by his behavior that it was something more than that. Yet, I was glad to know that at least there was something at all.

An unknown something.

But, would it soon be revealed?

"I'm glad you're back."

I could tell who it was just by the voice.

James.

I turned around to see him standing in my doorway, a small smile on his face. I smiled myself just by the sight of him. "I know I've still seen you around, but I'm glad that I can actually 'visit' you." He chuckled as he stepped into my room, closing the door behind him. "How are you?" 

He asked that question everyday since the incident.

"Pretty well today." I answered, James grinning at that as he sat down on my bed. "How about you?" His answer was always the same four letters: okay.

"I'm doing okay." He answered as I sat on the bed, across from where he was seated. I noticed his eyes looking at the floor before quickly darting away to his sleeve covered hands. I turned my head to his direction to the floor, wondering what he could've seen. I studied it, but it was nothing, but blue carpet. Blue carpet that at one point was tedious to stare at, but now was relieving to see.

But, then I saw it, too. 

The flashback.

Everything was pieced together once James admitted that he was the one who found me. Every scene was placed in the correct order as it played before my eyes. My, now, teary eyes. A retention of James entered the room, calling my name again and again. He removed the rope from around my neck quickly, yet slowed down in the reminiscence I was watching.

James began crying as he held my unconscious body, calling over and over for Eddie and Steven. He cupped the side of my face as he rocked me back and forth, pleading for me to breath. He almost saw me die before his very eyes,...how could he be 'okay' after that?

"Everything's fine now, you know that, James?" I asked him as he turned his head to me. He nodded, his eyes losing contact with mine. "I'm not going anywhere, I'm sorry for scaring you. You don't have to worry, I'm alright now." I reassured him, I expected a smile, but James' pout was the only expression received.

"I know you're okay, just...the knowing and sight of you...leaving...it made me afraid." James whispered, dipping his head. "It made me afraid because if I didn't come to your room, then..." His voice trailed off. "And seeing you go made me only remember how important you are to me...and I was terrified to go through that that again..."

"Again?" I wondered, questioning James' choice of words. He looked up, sniffling as he wiped away tears. He swallowed before speaking.

"I never told you why I was here."

This was it. 

James sighed as he closed his eyes, removing his hand from my grasp as he tugged onto his long sleeves. "I have posttraumatic stress disorder." James mumbled, refusing any eye contact at all with me. "It all started because I kept getting into arguments with my boyfriend." I raised my eyebrows at that. "We were so happy at first, but over time the love just stopped and was replaced with...

"...him hurting me." 

I scooted closer to James, resting a hand on his back as he continued on. "Whenever we fought, he would end up punching me senseless until I gave up." His lip trembled as he bit it, closing his eyes. James was abused by the man he thought he loved...I couldn't hold back the tears. "I couldn't take it, he put me under so much stress and fear...so I...turned to smoking.

"At first, it worked, those cigarettes 'saved me', if you will." He shook his head at that. "But, soon that nicotine wasn't enough. I needed some other way to rid myself of this pain." I looked down at his arm, though covered, I knew exactly what he did. "I used to burn myself just to feel..." I teared up at his next word, "...okay."

He pushed away a few more tears with his   
fingers as he let out a shivery whimper. I silenced mine as I placed my arms around him, holding him close to me. I felt his arms slowly reach around me, holding me in return as I comforted him. James was as damaged as I, possibly even worse. His story reminded me of mine, the taunts from everyone that drove me off a cliff. He deserved to know my story, but not yet.

He wasn't done.

"I didn't tell anybody, I was afraid of what he would do. It was my secret, and as much as it hurt, I had to keep it inside." He whispered in my ear. "But, one day," he carried on as he let go of me, "I was visiting with my mom. She saw the burns by accident, and she got really concerned. Next thing I knew, I was on my way here."

"Your mom did a good thing." I commented, seeing James' watery eyes stare back into mine. "You're getting better, I can see it. You're going to be alright, James. And, the first person you should see when you get out of here is her." I advised, smiling at him. But, when James began to sob again, my smile disappeared entirely.

"I was here for two months when I got the news."

I felt my heart sink.

"My carer, Nick, he sat me down one day and told me that when she was on her way here to see me...," James was silent a moment before he went on, "my mom passed away in a car accident." 

Neither of us spoke a word after that. James concentrated on the blue blanket beneath us. I concentrated on the blue of his tears.

James lost everyone. He lost his lover as he turned into a vile beast. He lost his mom to a mere accident. ...And, James thought he lost me, too... This man has been through too much suffering. The mistreatment. The burns. The fear. The worries. The heartache. One right after another, inflicting more stress into James' life.

James was more of a man than I. At least when things were rough for him, he didn't attempt suicide.

"I had never felt so much guilt in my entire life." James murmured, his words breathless. "I felt at blame for losing my boyfriend's love, but losing my mom...that really hit me hard." I understood all too well. "She died because she was coming here. She died because of me...I couldn't take it..." James closed his eyes.

"I escaped our wing and somehow made it to the roof...I stepped onto the ledge...I was going to jump..." I became speechless at that. James was going to kill himself. Someone who was so strong. Someone who was so happy. Someone who was my inspiration. 

Almost. Jumped.

"I was about to take that step, the wind was high that day. So much traffic, a lot of people out and about, but no sun to be seen. Those would've been my last memories..." Great minds think alike... "But, they weren't. Before I had a chance to even put one foot out, Nick, Eddie, and a few other carers found me and brought me back. I spent two weeks in that area you were in, I was constantly checked on by everyone. 

"I met with Eddie at least four times a week, three if I was lucky. I told him everything...except one thing..." His head and voice lowered at that as he pushed a few of his curls out of his face. I didn't rush him, or say anything for that matter. I wanted James to take his time, what he went through was tragic.

I knew he built himself up. I was surprised to hear from what.

"When they pulled me off of the ledge...you're probably going to think I'm crazy..." James mumbled, placing his head in his hands. He didn't speak after that, the only sound in the room was his light sniffles. 

I took my hand and removed his with it from his face. He looked up at me as I executed this action, his saddened eyes staring at me with awe. "I won't think you're crazy, James. I would never think bad things about you." I informed him, feeling the coldness of his hand from departing mine. "You have been nothing, but absolutely nurturing to me. Sure, we had that one day, but I forgive you. You are one of the most caring people I know, and I want you to know that, that is all I plan to be with you."

James lifted his head higher as he drew in a deep breath, letting it out while closing his eyes. "When they pulled me off of the ledge, I swear...I swear I heard my mom say, 'It's okay, James. I love you...'" He wiped at his eyes briefly as I took in his words. In his moment of darkness, James still a light with him. Something that could save him, possibly something that did. James was loved, and I was beginning to know what that feels like, too.

"She's the reason I'm trying so hard here. I want to recover for her." James summarized, a small smile on his face. He cleared his throat before continuing. "That's why I was afraid of losing you. I had already lost so much...and seeing you like that only made me remember...that I need you..."

My full attention was on him as he admitted that, wondering why he said it. My curiosity got to the best of me, I shouldn't have opened my mouth. I've learned how to do it over the years, I was at the point where I was too afraid to even speak. In fear of getting hurt. In fear of getting criticized.

In fear of getting noticed.

"Why?"

James looked up at that, worry being his present emotion. As much as I regretted putting him on the spot, I needed to know. His words kept me up at night. They resurfaced in my mind once I saw him. Once I saw those glorious eyes... They made me wander for countless hours pondering their meaning. I've had ideas and ideas, but not one made sense. Not one sounded like me. Not one sounded like James.

"I don't know exactly...," James started, I wasn't sure if his voice could get any quieter. "...but whenever I'm with you...I feel different. It's a feeling so familiar, but at the same time, it's not." His words intrigued me. "I don't even know how to describe it, and something in me is too afraid to.

"I don't know what it is...but," He stared at me a moment before answering, his eyes trailing up, then down, then back up, "it makes me happy. And I don't want to lose that feeling. I...I don't want to lose you..." 

It felt like my heart stopped. 

Speaking of such a feeling made me realize the same thing. Whenever I was with James, everything felt different when he was near. It was comforting, a type of comfort that felt unlike everyone else's. I couldn't decipher it, all I knew was when I felt that way, it made all trouble seem to fade. I wanted to embrace it...

...but, would I be able to?

"It's okay, James." I told him as his eyes wandered to the window, a distraction from what he admitted. "Don't be scared, it's okay to feel what you feel. I'm not going anywhere, that I'll make sure of." I assured him, turning his head back to mine with my pointer and thumb. "I...I think I understand what you're going through..." He smiled shyly at that. 

He still looked scared, nonetheless. Fear is hard to forget about, it ruins relationships, it ruins friendships, it even appeared to ruin lives. But, not mine. Not Jordan's, Spencer's, Kevin's. Surely not James'. It took all of his courage to tell me that, and I couldn't be more proud for him.

His strength gave me strength.

I held out my hand as a friendly gesture of warmth. He looked at me, then my hand, wondering what I intended. "To know I'm still here, would you like to...hold my hand?" I've always wanted someone to offer me their hand, but I was glad I was able to offer it to someone else. 

He timidly nodded his head, slowly reaching for my hand, his fingers sliding in between mine. I squeezed it lightly, letting him know I was with him. His smile grew a bit wider as he leaned in for a hug, his other hand holding me closely. I accepted, hugging him as well, our hands still interlocked. 

This was the most comfort I had felt in the longest time...

...think of how long James hasn't had any sign of love...

I turned my head leisurely, unsure of my action, but needing to do it. James meant much more to me than I first thought, and to think that...he almost died... I closed my eyes, tears running down my face as I let out an airless breath. I gingerly placed my lips to his cheek, giving him a kiss of deep affection.

I felt him smile.

When he was strong, I was strong. 

He told me his inner most secrets.

I did the same. To everyone. At lunch that same day.

And I felt...much better than I have been feeling.

Okay.


	13. Chapter 13: Gold

I smiled once I saw the green of those walls again.

I stepped into Eddie's office for another meeting, this one I didn't dread for or worry about. I was feeling myself become stronger each day, and yesterday proved that very well. James gave me confidence after sharing something personal of his. He trusted me enough to tell me not only his background, but how he sees me. How he feels when I'm near. What he thinks of me.

All three of those are much more than I could ever ask for.

Understanding all of this made me push through to confide in the guys. At lunch, I found the courage to tell them all about me. I knew everything about them, it was about time to return the favor. I explained why I was there, and what lead up to my attempt. I told them about high school, something already gone over with Dr. Cardona. I told them about Domi, to the ones who knew, it wasn't as much as a surprise.

That didn't mean it didn't cause tears.

I tried my best to speak about my parents, but that was where I had the most trouble. I had never spoken to anyone about my parents before. Yet, it wasn't like anyone would listen. Or help. Thinking of what they did to me was difficult enough, but having to say it aloud was another torture.

To say how the put me down. What they'd say about me. To me. How they never accepted me as their son. How they didn't acknowledge that I was being hurt in school. How they didn't care that I was being hurt at home. How they made me scared of them. How they made me cry myself to sleep almost every night. How they told me that they wished that I was...

...I barely got past the first two when talking about them.

"How has your day been, Aleks?" Eddie wondered, taking his seat behind his desk. He smiled at me as I sat in a chair on the other side of his desk, I couldn't help, but appreciate the warmth his kindness gave off.

"It's been pretty alright." I answered, Eddie and I sharing another bold smile. I loved those moments between us, just the simple gesture of cordiality given to one another. It warmed my heart just a bit more.

"That's great!" He praised, taking off his glasses and cleaning them. "How has everything been for you here?" He asked, his eyes squinting the slightest bit. 

I smiled at the thought. "Everything's been really great. I've been talking to my friends more, I know a lot about them now, and I'm glad to say I do." I giggled at admitting that, it was such a leap from my past. "And, hearing so much about them made me want to tell them about me."

Eddie seemed elated about hearing that. "That's so great! I cannot describe how happy I am for all the progress you've made." Eddie complimented, his cheeks lightly shaded with pink. "You are one of the best patients I have had, and you are a fantastic person." 

Amazing. Fantastic. Great. Magnificent.

All words I thought would never describe me.

"What did you tell them about?"

"I told them about high school, Domi, that I have anxiety." I stopped, remembering the parts I had difficulty with. Tony and Elizabeth Marchant. My nightmares. My demons. My continuing fears. I know I didn't want to dwell in the past, but it's easier said than done. 

"Is there something wrong, Aleks?" Eddie wondered as I looked up to see his tender face. Soft, brown eyes, a light complexion. Thick, black hair, his glasses resting on the bridge of his nose, his mouth only opened slightly. He was such a different man than my father. Nicer. Sweeter.

Caring.

I sighed, feeling the need to tell let Eddie know about Mr. and Mrs. Marchant. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but someone needed to know the full details. So they could help. All I wanted was help. "I had trouble telling them about my parents." I confessed, hanging my head low. The worry was beginning to overwhelm me again.

"Why is that?" Eddie questioned, leaning forward in his leather bound chair. I was afraid to meet his eyes again, fear controlling them. But, it hadn't reached my mind. 

Not yet...

I swallowed a lump in my throat, it appearing out of nowhere. "I...uh...my parents and I didn't get along." I began, knowing that this would be the most difficult thing to explain. "When I was younger everything seemed fine, we were happy. My parents loved each other and me." I teared up at the memories. 

They seemed so distant now...

"When did everything seem to go wrong? When did it begin?" Eddie wondered, brushing a few fingers through his hair. I let go of a solid breath, I was able to tell the guys that my parents abused me.

I was too afraid to admit the reason.

"I guess when I was eleven or so, I noticed them fighting more often. I didn't know why, I heard them mention money a few times." I remembered sitting next to my bedroom door, bawling my eyes out as their shouts got louder and louder. I shook at the image. "It got worse, both of my parents succumb to alcoholism. I didn't remember a time when they were sober...

"My father...," I sniffled, "he also had anger issues. But...I found that out the hard way." I wiped at my eyes, feeling my hands become clammy. My chest felt heavy, but I had to tell Eddie. I wanted to escape from this cage I was in. "It was freshman year when the bullying began, and I tried to talk to my dad about it. I would've with my mom, but she always ignored me.

"I told my dad I was getting teased at school...and I regretted opening my mouth." I felt myself get choked up by that. I was scared to go on, saying what happened next would've been too hard on me. I'm at war with myself, wanting to win, but believing I can't. 

Feeling like I won't.

"It's alright, Aleks. You can tell me, it's okay." Eddie informed me, his tone considerate to the sensitive subject.

"...When I told him, he called me weak. He said I deserved what was happening to me if I couldn't stop it." I felt my head begin to pound. "I got mad at that and I started to yell at him...and he hit me..."

I fell back onto the floor, hitting my head on the doorframe. I let out a small whimper, bringing a hand to the eye he injured. I teared up at the stinging sensation, knowing a black eye was to form. I was just looking   
for help...why must only pain come my way?

I was too frightened to look up at my father as he spoke, his voice low, gravelly, and full of hate. "You are absolutely pathetic, Aleksandr. You're a lousy excuse for a son..."   
The next part always haunted me. 

"...I really wish you were dead."

I raced to my room after that, letting out my emotions as cries into my pillow. That was the day I was downright terrified of them. Two people who treated me like nothing. Two people who hated me with their cold, small hearts. Two people that would've done much worse if they could've gotten away with it.

I spent so much time in that room...hiding...crying...cutting...

With time, the abuse got worse.

I got more punches thrown from my father. Slaps were added from my mother. The threats made life more unbearable. The treatment left me feeling dead inside. And the ping-ponging from home to school didn't help. I had so many bruises, I didn't know who caused the one on my arm. Or the one on my leg. The blue one on my shoulder. Or the large one on my cheek.

Those kids hurt me because I was different. Because I cut. Cutter. Domi left me because she lost her love for me. She lost everything because of me. Except I wasn't a loss. My parents abused me because I was weak. They brought my weakness out and bruised it. Bruised me.

I'm my own weakness.

"I'm my own weakness..." I finished before dropping my head into my hands. I can build myself up, I've seen it being done. But, what I didn't know is that I can also knock myself down. I felt old feelings resurface, especially one that made me want to cry for the rest of my life.

I didn't want to, but right now I didn't feel that strength I once possessed. It felt like it died. Like the rest of me.

I didn't hear Dr. Cardona speak after that, in fact, I didn't hear anything at all come from him. Not even his breaths. All I heard were my soft sobs. All I felt was self humiliation and the cold tears running down my arms.

How much it reminded me of blood...how much I wished for it to be blood... 

I didn't raise my head as I heard Eddie stand up from his chair and walk around the side of the desk. I hadn't cried this much in a long time. I didn't know where Eddie had gone until I felt his gentle hand remove mine from my face after kneeling down. I stared at him through blurred vision, just needing to see his peaceful face, but can't.

"I'm so sorry, Aleks." Eddie whispered, placing my hands on my lap. His tone was filled with nonbelief and guilt. "I can't believe what you've had to deal with growing up. No one...no one should ever have to go through what you went through. Between your parents, and Dominika, and high school." He shook his head as his eyes trailed away. "I am truly sorry for being the one to make you say   
the things you've said.

"They weren't easy, I know. I'm sorry for putting you through that, Aleks." Dr. Cardona apologized again and again, his timbre turning more sad by each sentence. "But, I'm also proud." He went on to say. "If I were you, I probably wouldn't have been able to tell anybody what happened. But, you did. I can see, just by this, that you want to get better.   
And knowing that makes me very happy.

"You're turning your life around, you being the one in control. And you're doing a damned good job." I chuckled lightly at that. I lifted a hand to my tears, wiping some as he spoke. "You're strong, Aleks. You might not see it, or believe me, but I want you to know that you are. You fought your past, you've always tried your hardest. And I know you will do just fine. 

"You're a terrific person, Aleks. I see that within you. I know you can accomplish great things, and I have a feeling you will. Get a great job, have the best of friends, find a new love interest. You're gonna get by. Just remember, never let yourself fall. You can always prevent it, and even if the answer of 'how' isn't clear, you will always find it."

I couldn't contain myself.

Once Eddie was finished talking, I wrapped my arms around him, hugging him closely, thanking him over and over. Eddie understood me well, hearing those words just cracked my world open. He's helped me so much, and I want him to know that his advice will be put to great use. I felt his arms hold me as well as he chuckled softly.

Eddie was right, the only way to stop falling is to find something to hold onto. And I did. I fell from the hurt my parents brought. From the pain and agony from those kids at that school. From Domi and how her care lessened through the years. Through the tears... And, I've landed from it all.

I landed from that leap of faith.

I've found a place to be safe at. I've found a road to recovery. I've found help, humbleness, and hospitality. I've found the best of friends that anybody could ever ask for. I've found other stories to be similar to mine, and I can use their sources for and of help. I've found true happiness.

I've never felt so good before.

I headed back to my room after our session, our hug lasting a few minutes longer. I walked back to my room with a smile on my face, a smile that I've missed myself. I didn't need a mirror to know that it was bold and broad, a smile that meant I was happy. Happy about myself. Happy to be who I was, like what I like, do what I do.

Happy to be me.

Aleksandr Marchant.

I was beginning to like the name.

As I sat down on my bed, I grabbed my drawings from the art room off of the nightstand. I drew two more since my first one and everyone admired them all. The second I drew was from my second near death experience. The paper was the blinding color of white, the color that swarmed my vision. Except, this one was different than the first.

The edges and rim were white, but in the center was a pond. A pond of tears created from both victims of my attempt, me and James. A silhouette was in the middle of the pond holding a piece of rope in their hand. I wasn't thinking when I drew the person, never really knowing who it was.

Was it me? Holding the rope as I prepared my own death? Or, was it James? Removing the rope as he saved me? I guess it's based on judgment. If I have a bad day, it's me in the pond of tears. Yet, if a good day arises, it's James who I see through my blurry vision, letting me live.

I haven't had a bad day in a while.

I placed that drawing behind the first, I was now staring at the third. I drew this one not too long ago, three days to be exact. It was indeed a good day, I drew a photo based around all of my friends. I wasn't just a picture of us, it was more elaborate than that.

I drew a red hat to represent Jordan's, he wore it everyday since Monica gave it to him. I drew an orange sunset to represent Dex, that was the scenery when the two of us talked. I drew the sun to be yellow to represent Spencer, yellow was the color of his hair and such a bright color made me smile.

A pink heart for Kevin to show he's learning to love. A shadow for Seamus as that appeared in the first drawing he showed me. A green field for Dan, I remembered he said he loved the outdoors. For Joe, it was an odd combination yet he said he loved it. A purple chicken, his favorite color and animal.

And in the center, a light brown eye to represent the beautiful ones of James.

It was a collage of it all, the most memorable and prominent things about the ones I love. Love was a glorious thing, and it's a shame for it to go to waste. I've learned how to save it. I've learned how to accept it. I've learned how feel it. 

I've learned how to use it.

As I placed my drawings back down, there was a knock at the door, followed by someone entering. I looked up to see James step in, a wide smile on his face as he sounded like he was recently laughing. I wasn't sure what at in particular, but what he   
was holding could have been the reason. 

In his hand was the guitar from the music room.

That same guitar I passed when wandering room to room. The same guitar I passed, but never played. That same guitar I tried hard to ignore. That same guitar that I was afraid of. It was now here, in my room, in the hand of my best friend.

"What the hell are you doing?" I asked, laughing somewhat as I wondered. "Why do you have that guitar? You're going to get in trouble!" I warned, feeling more laughter of mine come about.

James held a finger to his lips as he giggled himself. "It's fine, no one saw me, not even Stefani, and she's always in there!" He laughed, sitting himself on my bed.

"No one at all saw you leave the music room with a large-ass guitar and bring it back here?" I assured jokingly, not believing his story. 

"Yes." James answered causing the two of us to burst into a fit of hysterics. I'm glad James and I are as close as we are. He's been understanding and helpful all around, and that's all I could ever want. Someone who cares. "Going back on your first question, the reason I have it is because when you came here, you said you played guitar, right?" 

I nodded, already knowing where this was headed. He carefully handed the guitar over to me, I unsurely took it from his hands. It was a beauty, elegantly crafted, just my size, six perfect, gold strings just waiting to be strummed. 

"Can you play a song for me?" He questioned as I laughed nervously. I didn't really want to, but after everything he had already done, it would be rude to decline. "I'm sorry if I'm pressuring you." James apologized, his smile beginning to fade.

"No, that's alright." I told him, smiling to make him do the same. I adjusted the guitar accordingly, there was no strap. Another precaution of theirs. "I've always wanted to play again, but I never brought myself to do it." I took a small breath as I played the G chord. 

The both of us smiled.

"That sounds like a good start to me." James told me, leaning himself against the wall. "Play something." He urged, nudging me playfully.

I shrugged at his words. "I don't know what to play." I chortled with my words, James smiling at me. I'm not sure what about me exactly, but I loved the sight of his smile. It made that feeling show again...

"Play...your favorite song. Play a song you used to play all the time. Play a song you have stuck in your head, or have been meaning to listen to." James suggested, making me grin with ideas. I tapped my fingers against the top of the guitar, pondering.

"Well, I do like The Beatles..." I admitted, shyly biting at my lower lip. 

"See, there's something!" James commented, getting comfortable on the bed. "Sing one of your favorites by them." He smiled warmly. I swallowed, a bit afraid to play and sing again. It had been years since that guitar was in my hands. Years since I've even hummed a tone. Years and years, but throughout them all...

...this was the first time I was playing in front of anyone.

"Don't be nervous, I won't make fun of you." James told me, giving me that strength back. Except this time, it felt more permanent than last. That's exactly what I needed as I strummed those chords again to begin the song.

"There's nothing you can do that can't be done." 

I started, watching James' smile beam brighter.

"Nothing you can sing that can't be sung."

I swallowed, calming myself a bit more.

"Nothing you can say, but you can learn how to play the game

It's easy."

I looked up to James again, his eyes wanting me to continue as he appeared to be enjoying this so far. I readjusted myself, getting a bit more relaxed.

"There's nothing you can make that can't be made

No one you can save that can't be saved."

I raised my voice a little more.

"There's nothing you can do, but you can learn to be you in time

It's easy..."

I remembered why I picked this song from the chorus.

"All you need is love

All you need is love

All you need is love, love

Love is all you need."

This song fit perfectly for not just the two of us, but for everyone. Everything can go right with just a little love. Jordan's learning about it again, Kevin's being introduced to it, it saved James...and it might as well have saved me...

I strummed the strings a little louder.

"There's nothing you can know that isn't known

Nothing you can see that isn't shown 

There's nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be."

I heard a second voice drop in.

"It's easy."

I smiled at the sound of our voices blending surprisingly well together.

"All you need it love

All you need is love

All you need is love, love

Love is all you need."

Turning my head to face him again, the two of us shared a smile as I played more of the song. I was glad somebody wanted to embrace this side of me. I was glad to know somebody wanted to listen. I was glad that I wasn't singing alone. I had a beautiful man with beautiful eyes and a beautiful voice singing with...

...a beautiful man? James was...beautiful to   
me?

I've found Domi beautiful. Her long, brown hair, her small nose, mysterious eyes, red lips, short height of just passed 5 foot. But...I don't feel anything towards her anymore. Do I feel that way towards James? His curly, black hair, his comforting smile, tender personality, modest laugh, sensational eyes, pink lips that looked so soft when he smiled...

...why do I feel this way?

"All you need is love

All you need is love

All you need is love, love  
Love is all you need."

We smiled again.

"Love is all you need

Love is all you need

Love is all you need

Love is all you need..."

I'm not sure why I was feeling this way towards James, but I do hope to find out soon.

Find out if this was that feeling he mentioned.


	14. Chapter 14: Shadow

Whenever I see him, it feels like my heart pounds twice as fast. Whenever I hear his voice, I can't help, but smile at the sound. Whenever I'm near him, I feel my cheeks flush red. I'm not sure why, these feelings were never here before. 

Why are they here now?

I don't know what's happening to me, but ever since I've described James as beautiful, a whole new world was unlocked for me. As much as I like the way James can make me feel, I'm scared of these feelings. I can't recognize them, and the fear of not knowing is beginning to eat away at me.

I've felt them become stronger over the past couple days, and they're getting harder to hide. I want to hold James' when I sit next to him, but I keep it by my side. I want to lay down next to him when he walks into my room, but I sit myself upright. I want to hug him just a little longer, smile just a little bolder, be with him for just a few more seconds...

I can't run and hide from these feelings, they're there. I don't know why, I don't know how. Where they came from, what they're made of, when will they become too much. That struck at fear again. I know the outcome of fear. I know the outcome of anger. I know the outcome of sadness, and worry, and dread. 

But...what happens when happiness becomes too much?

If I could even call this happiness. I feel on top of the world, but at the same time, in the lowest of depths. I feel like I'm flying, yet also crash landing. I feel myself smile, yet inside I'm hurting and scared. My head is battling good and bad thoughts. And, I'm terrified to know which will win. I want happiness...

...but happiness comes with strings attached.

What if James was feeling something else? What if it isn't what I'm feeling? Will he understand when I tell him? If I will be able to tell him? Will I still have a friend like him? Or, will I lose him to me? Because of me? 

It always feels like I'm the problem. Mainly because...I am. Problems can get solved yet, not all the time. I'm a problem with no answer, there's no way to solve my mess. Fix what's broken. Repair the damage. I'm shattered...

...why would James want someone who's shattered...?

My mind was clouded by these thoughts, weighing down on my shoulders and chest. It was heavy, I couldn't bear the pain. I didn't know where to go, what to do, who could help me. Emotions played a big part of my life. They always swallowed me whole and left me confused. 

I sat on a bench outside alone, staring out into the field before me. It was another splendid day, the sun shining bright, casting a beam onto everything. Except me. I sat just out of reach of the light, sitting in the shade. It was gloomy, dark, glum. The color of shadow washing over me.

It felt appropriate. 

With this time by myself, I was beginning to piece everything together. I thought I felt this way before, but it was just a facade of deception. That's part of why I'm afraid because I was tricked before. I don't want to be tricked again. Especially when I think that this is the real thing.

Love.

I think this is love. 

And if it is, then it is the most terrifyingly pleasurable thing there is.

"Hey, Aleks." I heard a calm voice greet me, followed by him taking a seat next to me. Jordan smiled as I greeted him in return, his red hat catching my eye atop his head. "What are you doing out here alone?" He questioned, looking at me before looking out into the open.

I sighed, crossing my legs the best I could. "I've just a had a lot on my mind and I needed some time to think." I admitted, my voice rather low. I felt Jordan's eyes on me, but I didn't bother to meet his gaze.

"What's been going on?" Jordan asked, adjusting his body so he was facing me directly. He sounded interested enough, and also considerate. Jordan was the very first person who helped me when I arrived here, he told me his story of love and heartbreak. He has had an experience with love, and maybe he could help me.

I swallowed before answering, unsure of how to begin. "Jordan...what is love to you?" I wondered, desperately needing an answer. 

Jordan smiled sweetly at my question as he started to reply. "Love...wow, that's hard." Jordan nervously chuckled along with me. "Love, well...," He pondered aloud, "I see it as two people who care for each other in a way so unconditionally. They make sacrifices for one another, and prove their affection by doing either the biggest or smallest of things."

I smiled at that, Jordan's words starting to make everything clear. "How did you know you were in love? What did it feel like?" I wondered, appreciating Jordan's wisdom and compliance.

"I swear I fell in love with Monica the second laid eyes on her." The two of us snickered at that. "Love is a really good feeling, it felt like I was in heaven. Every moment I spent with her was more amazing than the last. Everytime I thought about her, I couldn't help, but smile. When I held her, when we talked, even when she gave me a quick kiss on the cheek...

"...it made me heart skip a beat."

I teared up at his words, hearing how much Jordan still loved Monica after everything they've been through. I could tell by the way Monica took care of Jordan that she still had feelings for him, too. What they have is true love, even when it gets hard, they will come back to each other.

The way he felt with Monica matched the way I felt with James. All I wanted was to show him my fondness, everytime I was with him my heart leapt, everytime I saw just a single curl of his it made me smile ear to ear. What I was feeling was indeed love...I just wanted to know if James felt it, too.

"Why are you asking anyway?" Jordan questioned, entertainment with his words. "Is there someone you like?" He wondered, his smile turning a bit more innocent, yet at the same time devilish.

I shrugged shyly, a bit afraid to admit whom I was talking about. I felt Jordan nudge me in jest, laughing slightly. "Come on, who is it?" He asked again, his tone bubbly and warm. I looked into his eyes, finding that part of him that made me give in again. I couldn't keep this from him. From those eyes.

I wrung my hands as I spoke, looking away from my friend entirely. "I think I might be in love with...," I bit my lip before answering, "...James." I confessed, feeling some weight relieved, yet more piled on. I felt embarrassed saying that, it was something personal and now it was hanging in the air.

And the wind wouldn't push it away.

"Oh god..." I whispered, sinking my head into my hands. I felt my cheeks burn as cold tears began to roll down my face, cooling them down slightly. I was just waiting for the laughter to begin. The taunts to thrown at me as well as a couple fists. The mockery to arise and echo in the back of my mind. 

Faggot...gay-boy...cocksucker... 

"Aleks, you don't need to be upset." I heard Jordan whisper, rubbing my back sympathetically. "That's nothing to be ashamed of, please don't cry." I lifted my head as I wiped at my nose and eyes, taking in a deep breath along with Jordan's words. "Just calm down, everything's okay. What's the matter? Are you scared to love James?" 

I nodded my head as an answer, trying to calm myself in order to speak. "I don't know what he'll think of me." I explained, my voice shaky. "He told me he feels different around me, but I'm not sure he's feeling the same thing I'm feeling. And I don't know if I'll be able to tell him, and if I do, I don't know what he's going to do and...I'm just so lost." 

I was scared to tell James anything, in fear of his reactions. I wanted him to still be my friend, but I also wanted something more than that. I wanted to hold him in my arms, I wanted to play with his hair, I wanted to snuggle up with him, I wanted fall asleep next to him. I wanted to be his, and I wanted him to be mine.

I wanted to feel his lips against mine...

...but fear was allowing that to just be a dream.

"Hey, that's okay, Aleks. Love isn't the simplest of things, I'll tell you that." Jordan told me, his eyes filled with comprehension. "I understand, you want to tell James, but you're scared of what he'll say. That's okay, it's alright to be scared sometimes. But, if you really love James, what I think you should do is talk with him about this. Tell him what you just told me, and then listen to what he has to say.

"I know it's scary to just go out and do something, but everything is worth a try. If he feels the same, then you love him from there. But, if things don't go to plan, don't get upset. If you love him, you'll be able to let him go and maintain a friendship with him. I know it won't be easy, it isn't." He looked down, shaking his head slowly. He spoke from experience, from himself and Monica. Though he struggled with it, he was still able to keep Monica in his life. Their friendship is running smoothly, and I couldn't be happier for the two.

"I know you'll be able to do it." Jordan continued, his focus returning to me. "Just...talk to him. Don't be afraid. Figure something out with him. It's going to be okay." He paused, allowing his words to sink in. Why couldn't I have figured that on my own? It was the easiest of answers, a piece of advice already given, and followed.

Just start by talking. 

"Thank you, Jordan." I thanked him, grateful for this advice. Jordan had lots of it, I knew if I ever ran into anymore trouble, he'd be able to help me out. "I'm going to go talk to him." I said proudly, standing up from my seat. I let go of a breath, preparing myself what lay ahead. "Thank you. I can't even begin to say how happy I am to know you." 

Jordan smiled at that, patting my back lightly. "You can do this." He told me, building up my credence. I closed my eyes as I swallowed, making my way towards the door, a bit nervous on stepping inside. I found my way back to the west wing, feeling my fingers press into my palm. I was frightened to see James, but I knew I could pull through.

I'm overcoming my anxiety. I've been able to share the roughest parts of my life. I'm able to admit what I have tried to do and where those cuts came from. I'm not kept up at night by memories. I'm over Domi. If I can do all of this, I am determined to tell James   
the truth.

That I love him, and no one can make me deny that.

I knocked on his door.

I wanted him to answer, but I didn't. I wanted him to be on the other side, but I wanted him to be somewhere else. I wanted to see his smiling face, but at the same time, I wished I didn't see more than the blankness of his door. I didn't want to see that doorknob turn. I didn't want to see the door open. I didn't want to see him behind it.

But, I did. That meant there was no going back.

"Hey, Aleks. What's up?" He wondered, stepping aside so I could enter the room. I melted at the sight of his handsome face, how innocent he was. I hoped the topic wouldn't destroy that smile...

"Hey, uh...I need to talk to you about something." I started, taking a seat on his bed. He sat next to me, waiting patiently for me to continue. "Remember when you said you felt different around me, and I said I did, too, with you, and we didn't know what it was?" I wondered, not only did I remember it, but it remembered me.

James bobbed his head. "Yeah, I...I remember." James whispered, looking down at the bed. That day wasn't easy for either of us. I didn't know which was harder, saying the past, or hearing the past. "What about it?" He questioned, trying his best to keep his eyes on mine.

I cleared my throat. "Well, I think I know what I was feeling towards you." James' eyebrows raised at that, his eyes filled with curiosity as his ears wanted to hear more. "I spoke with Jordan just a little while ago about it, I was confused. I was beginning to realize what it was, this feeling, and I started to get scared."

"Scared?" James asked, wondering what I meant. "Why? What were you scared of?" His slew of questions made only one answer come about. One that was direct and there was no way to avoid it. I looked at James in the eye, feeling anxiety building up. After I said those words, it was up to James on how our friendship would continue.

Or not.

"I was scared because I...I think I might be in love with you, James."

Our eye contact lasted only a few more seconds before James turned away, his eyes studying the wall on the far side of the room. He looked shocked, yet he didn't speak a word. This sudden epiphany was dropped onto him, and I didn't know what he was thinking. And understanding that made me a bit heartbroken as I felt light tears sting my eyes.

"I was scared because I thought I felt love before with Domi." I began to ramble as I explained. "I thought that everything would be okay once I was with her, but she only burned my heart. And, now I was feeling those emotions I felt before again, but this time they were stronger. They were towards you...and I couldn't control them, and   
frankly, I was afraid of them.

"I didn't want to be hurt again, I'm a stranger to love. I was terrified of falling for you, and now that I have...I don't know what you'll think of me." My voice quavered throughout my words, it ending as a whisper with my last statement. I kept my eyes on James the entire time, but decided to look away once knowing he wouldn't look back.

I felt ashamed of what I had said. I didn't know what James was thinking of me, but maybe that was a good thing. I aimed my head down at my hands, them finding my bandage. All I've ever had experience with is pain. From others and myself. It followed me like a storm cloud, no one wanting to stand in the rain with me. 

Jordan said love was an amazing feeling. I wish I knew. All I felt was loneliness.

"I'm sorry..." I apologized quietly, not even sure if the words had reached James' ears. I closed my eyes, just wanting for this to be a nightmare. Everything else is, why can't this be one, too? "I'm sorry." I repeated, my voice still frail.

"Aleks," I heard James speak up, his voice was both relaxing yet frightening to hear, "there is nothing you need to apologize for." His words made me lift my head, failing miserably on hiding my tears. "Aw, hey..." He mumbled as he wiped away my tears with his thumb. "You don't have to be scared." He told me before wrapping his arms around me gently, resting his head on my shoulder as he hugged me. "You know why?" He asked rhetorically. "Because I think I love you, too."

The air was trapped in my throat as I heard him say that, expecting that to be his last response. More tears began to over flow from my eyes, leaving me a sobbing mess. But, they were tears of joy which was a change. I felt myself smile sadly, holding onto James the closest I ever have.

"You really love me?" I wondered, those were the only words I could manage before bawling once more. James pulled away to look at me face to face, his eyes as soft as his smile. 

"Of course I do. When you first came here, there was something about you I liked, but I couldn't figure out what. It was something that was different from the rest, something couldn't label." He paused, wiping away at my tears again. "But, I soon realized what it was.

"It was you." He bit his bottom lip before carrying on. "It was you that I liked, I liked your personality. I liked your interests. I liked your abilities. I liked your laugh, I liked your smile, I liked your hair, your eyes, your amazing voice. I...I liked you!" We both laughed at that, his words making my heart race a mile a minute. "I like you...I...I love you."

"I love you." I murmured in return, feeling a true smile find its way onto my face. I then found myself hugging James again, my head nuzzling against the crook of his neck.

I've never felt anything as great as love. It felt nice to free myself from the chains of depression, neglect, and sorrow. I've never felt as good as I did right there in James' arms. And I felt even better knowing James felt the same way in mine.


	15. Chapter 15: Chestnut

"When I find myself in times of trouble

Mother Mary comes to me

Speaking words of wisdom

Let it be."

James and I sat in my room again, the both of us singing as I played the guitar. It was something we bonded over, something we shared. He brought back the musician in me, and I was glad that there was someone out there who liked that side of me. Liked everything about me.

It had been a week since I admitted my love for James, and I have to say that saying those words was the second best thing that could've ever happened to me. The first is James. I know he truly loves me, I can feel it. In everything he does, from a simple hug, to accompanying me outside. From sitting next to me at meals, and just saying goodnight. Like Jordan said, he's proving his love in everything, big or small.

"And in my hour of darkness she is

Standing right in front of me

Speaking words of wisdom

Let it be."

I'm happy I'm with James, he's done much more for me than Domi ever did. He treats me like a person, and understands that I'm only human. He's my inspiration to get up each morning, and my hope for an even greater tomorrow. He makes me smile, he makes me laugh, he makes me want to continue living. To live.

To breathe.

I can't hide my love for James, everyone knows. Steven is proud of me for being able to move on from before. Eddie is glad I have someone to depend on in a more intimate way. Monica can't stop talking about it. Jordan is happy I found a way around my fear. Dex is proud that I took a chance. Kevin wishes nothing, but the best for us.

Dan is always asking how we are. The answer is always the same: never better. Spencer is always teasing us to kiss. Only because we haven't yet. James isn't completely there yet, and I'm afraid to myself. Joe supports us with our relationship. Or, that's what he calls it. We've agreed not to label anything yet, we're both new to this.

"Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be

Speaking words of wisdom

Let it be..."

We both haven't felt love like this...ever. We both come from dark paths where love wasn't welcome. Domi left me without any, which made life harder to live in. Made the oxygen more hard to breathe. Giving all of my love, but feeling none in return really made me fall. And then when my only possible source left...she took my remaining hope with her.

She left me a withering mess.

And James knows that feeling all too well.

In the beginning of his relationship, all he could feel was desire, affection, and devotion. And he felt it disperse when the conflicts arose. When more came about, he felt more pain than anything. Because that was all he received. Pain. He'd live his day to day life in fear, not knowing when the next punch would be thrown. Or when the next slap would take place. But there was one thing he always knew would come, when, and why.

The burns. Because he put them there.

Just to feel okay.

"And when the broken hearted people

Living in this world agree

There will be an answer

Let it be."

But, that's behind us. We both carry reminders, but we're learning to ignore. We can't forget it, but we can let it be. We can start anew with each other, filling in the cracks made by bad pasts. I'm helping him, and he's helping me. The others are too, Joe and the rest. We see someone in need, and we reach out a hand.

Just a simple gesture can lead to something gorgeous.

"For though they may be parted there is

Still a-"

Our song was interrupted by a knocking at the door.

Steven stepped in, smiling at James, then myself, him eyeing the guitar, but his mouth spoke no words of it. "Aleks, I don't mean to intrude you two or anything, but you have a visitor." Steven informed me as I placed the guitar down, confused as ever.

"A visitor?" I clarified, looking at James before turning my attention back to Steven.

He nodded his head, opening the door a bit wider. "Two, actually." He specified as my thoughts ran wild. I had two visitors? Who? I had no one on the outside except for Domi, but I knew she wouldn't dare step foot in here again. I had no one, but apparently I did. I was both in excitement and fear, wondering who they were. "Here, follow me." Steven instructed, stepping away from the door as I walked towards it.

"I'll be right back." I told James with a chuckle, still pondering about who would want to come to see me of all people. I closed the door, feeling my palm grow sweaty on the handle. I took a steady breath as I turned right instead of left, pursuing after Steven to the conference room, as us patients called it. The last time I was in there was when Domi decided to drop in.

And drop me.

I swallowed the large lump in my throat as we neared the door, it being too late as we now stood just in front of it. "I'll be right out here if you need me, okay?" Steven assured, sitting down in one of the chairs just outside. Why would I need him? He didn't offer this last time when Domi came by, who was here this time?

The answer was just behind that wooden door.

I nodded my head as an answer while gripping the knob of the door, the cool metal feeling nice against my skin. I twisted it unsurely while closing my eyes for a brief moment, opening the door. I stepped in and didn't let go of my breath until I heard the door close. I lifted my head to see who had stopped by, and I felt my heart...

...break.

Two people were seated behind the table, the two people Steven had mentioned. The man had a hairline that was starting to recede, his hair the color of the night. He looked middle aged and rather tall in his chair. His brown eyes matched the chestnut color of the woman seated beside him.

She was also middle aged, her hair smooth as it just reached her shoulders. She wore a pink shirt with a white jacket, her nails pink as well. Her eyes were a deep blue, a shade that I have seen before. Because I recognized those eyes. I recognized her hair, his hair, his eyes. I knew who they were.

"Mom? Dad?" I choked out, feeling fear, sadness, and hatred beginning to build up within me. After everything they had done to me when I was growing up, they show up here out of the blue? After they made me cry? After they beat me day after day? After they ignored me? Laughed at me? Said those awful things to me?

After they wished I was dead, they decide to return?

I felt my eyes become glossy.

"Aleksandr..." Elizabeth whispered, I don't even know why I called her my mom. I couldn't tell her present emotion. What was behind her blue eyes and those of brown?

"What are you doing here?" I questioned, feeling myself take a step back. "How did you find me?" I heard my anger seeping through into my words, vexation running throughout me. After all they put me through, they think returning to my life will help me?

I only felt more hurt.

"A man called, he referred to himself as Dr. Edwin Cardona." Tony spoke up, I remembered how low his voice was to the ears. It felt rough as I tried not to cringe at the sound. That was the same voice that yelled at me. The same voice that insulted me. The same voice that called me those horrible names, stated those terrible threats, spewed out disgusting laughter. That voice was now trying to be my father.

"He told us about the situation you were in, and how you got there. He said he received a suggestion for us to come up and see you." Who would suggest this? To bring back the agony in my life? To knock me down when I felt invincible?

Faith wouldn't be able to save me. What's the point in believing in it if it always lets you down?

"What happened to you, sweetheart?" My so-called 'mother' asked, her voice sounding oh so convincing.

I shook my head at her words. "Don't...don't call me that." I whispered, feeling more tears emerge from my tear ducts. Yet, I pushed them away with all of my strength.

"Aleks," My father tried, "why-why don't you take a seat?" He wondered, motioning towards the empty seat in front of me. I shook my head again, absolutely appalled at their attempt to become real parents.

"Why should I listen to you?" I retorted, feeling a scowl form on my face whilst taking another step back towards the door.

"B-Because we're your parents..." Tony reminded me, that word stinging me like venom.

Parents. My...parents.

"You're not my parents." I mumbled to them expecting them to be utterly hurt. But, it seemed as if they had known I was going to say that. "If you were real parents you wouldn't have treated me that way."

"Aleks, we've changed-" Elizabeth spoke up again, but I cut her off mid-sentence.

"Oh, that's just great. I'm glad to hear that." My sarcastic side was beginning to take over. "I guess since you've 'changed' that everything you did to me doesn't matter. It doesn't matter that you've made me spend countless nights crying! It doesn't matter that you scarred me for life! It doesn't matter that you left marks on me that lasted for weeks!" My voice boomed louder with each word.

"It doesn't matter that I have an anxiety disorder because of you!" I yelled once more, sending my father over the edge. His face turned stern, his eyes meaner than I remembered them as he shook from the frustration.

He stood up from his chair, pounding on the table hard with his fists, causing both myself and Elizabeth to flinch. "God damn it! I knew this would happen!" He shouted, his voice louder than mine. "I don't even know I came! You're still the same piece of shit for a son!" He took a step closer to me, my mother looking away, daring not to see.

"What are you going to do?" I egged him on, taking a step forward myself. "Hit me?" I condescendingly wondered, cocking my head to the side. I stared into his soulless, brown eyes, trying to find the tiniest hint that he had changed.

But, he hadn't. If I was still the piece of shit son, he was still the bastard of a father.

Father. I absolutely hated that word.

"You know I really did mean it when I wanted you dead!" My father growled at me, veins showing through on his forehead.

"Well you know what?!?" I shouted, ripping off my bandage and aiming my wrist at him. He stared at it in surprise, taking a step away from me. "I have tried so hard to live up to your expectation." I sneered, making sure my mother saw the cuts, too. This is what I had been hiding from the for years, and it felt good to show them what they had started. "I'm sorry that that wasn't good enough." I dropped my wrist, keeping angered eyes on the two of them, mainly Tony.

He looked scared once seeing those marks, ones not of his own doing. He had been the reason of them nonetheless. If he was caring, if he was considerate, if he was even the slightest bit compassionate towards me then maybe, just maybe, my wrist would be cut free.

But, they aren't. Now, because of them, I have scarred skin.

I bit my tongue as I turned around, opening the door with a loud slam against the wall, letting it close behind me carelessly. I took a deep breath as I stood out in the hallway, closing my eyes as I prevented another anxiety attack. Breathe, Aleks..., James' voice echoed in my head, please, I need you to breath...I need you...

"Aleks?" I heard Steven call to me, followed by him placing a hand on my shoulder, and turning me around. "Is everything alright?" He wondered, his voice concerned. I opened my eyes to see his looking into mine, frantic as ever. "Aleks, are you okay?" He asked again as I didn't respond beforehand.

I shook my head as I breathed deeply in and out, still fighting tears. "W...Who would suggest that?" I asked Steven, my words being spoken without air. "Why? Why would...why would they do this to me...?" I was finding it harder to breath, shocked that I still could.

"I don't know, Aleks." Steven replied, shaking his head slightly as he looked at the tiled floor. "I'm sorry, but I just don't know. Dr. Cardona didn't tell me. I'm so sorry, Aleks." Steven apologized as my heart began to hurt. I took a step back before turning away completely, walking back to my room.

I felt so hurt, I felt so betrayed, I felt so angered, let down, maddened. Why would anyone do this to me? Who would do this to me? Making me see my parents again? I hated them with a passion, they had ruined my childhood, and almost my life. They had done the worst damage than the kids at school and Domi.

The kids at school may have ridiculed me about everything, but I could've had a warm house to return to for help. Domi may have left me to fend for myself, but I could've had some sort of family to turn to in a time of need. But, I didn't have any. In fact, the word 'family' sounded like make believe.

Instead of a family, I had a rage induced father that drank, swore, and beat me to a pulp. Instead of a family, I had an alcoholic mother who pretended I wasn't there. Instead of a family, I had two people who tried to reenter my life just to cause more misery. Who claimed they changed. Whose charade fell through the moment I laid eyes on them.

Instead of a family, I had Tony and Elizabeth Marchant.

I pushed open my room door and slammed it behind me, anger seething from me. I lowered my head, breathing deeply to try and rid myself of this exasperation, but to no avail. My fists shook, my knuckles turning white. The inside of my mouth bled as I bit it hard. My chest hurt from carrying a damaged heart.

But damaged was all I was.

"Aleks?" A worried voice called to me as I opened my eyes, and turned my head towards the bed. James stood up, making sure not to knock over the guitar. "What happened? Are you okay?" He questioned, meeting my side. His eyes were wide with fret, trailing all over me.

"My parents...came to-to visit." I started, trying to dial down my annoyance. "Against their will..." I muttered, dipping my head again.

"W...What happened?" James questioned, his voice lowered a bit.

I let go of another breath, trying to remain steady. "I didn't want to see them. After...all the pain they put me through, they had to be called up and brought back into my life." I bit my bottom lip. "Who the fuck would want that?!?" I yelled, turning away from James and punching the wall with my balled up fist. "Who the fuck would suggest that?!?" I screamed, slamming my hand against the wall again and again.

"I'm so sorry..." James atoned, his words making me calm down slightly. "I didn't mean for it to come to this...I'm sorry..."

I froze.

James did this? He told Eddie to make me see my parents? He's the reason behind this? I turned slowly, knowing that there was darkness glazing over my eyes. I looked at him in nonbelief as well as pure resentment.

"You...set this up?" I mumbled, unsure if I wanted to hear his explanation or not. He looked a bit afraid of opening his mouth, but he knew he had no other choice.

"You told us about your parents, and I told Eddie about it during one of our meetings. I thought it might have been a good idea for the both of you to set aside everything, and...try to be a family." James explained, his voice still somewhat quiet.

I turned around altogether, facing James directly. "Why would you ever think that would be a good idea?!?" I shouted, making James shrink away. "They hurt me so god damned much and you think I should see them again?!?" James was lost for words. "How fucked up are you?!? They're the reason I got bad! They're reason I am the way I am! The others just piled onto it! They're the ones that started it!

"How about I call up your ex- boyfriend and make him come back?!? Do you really want to see him after what he did to you?!?" My voice grew higher and higher as tears began to cloud my vision. "Why would you do this?!? I thought you loved me!"

James took another step back as I neared him during my rant, I wished I didn't see him tremble. "I just thought..." His voice trailed off as he struggled with the words.

"You thought wrong!" I screamed, stomping my foot down. "'I just thought'." I mocked him. "That's coming from a person who used to burn himself!" I should've held my tongue.

"You know, the only good thought you've had is jumping off of this building!"

Then silence.

I looked at him with hateful eyes, but the fury started to die down once realizing the words I just spoken. As if my heart couldn't take any more damage, it now had a gaping hole in the center. I looked at James to see his head aimed at the carpet beneath, his bottom lip trembling as he had his eyes closed.

I had broken him. His heart. His mind.

Him.

He inhaled sharply as he rushed towards the door, leaving without another word. I looked back at the direction he went, feeling tears run down my face. It was harder to breath, guilt weighing down on my chest. I couldn't believe what I had said, James just tried to help me...

...and he ended up getting shot at.

By my words as painful as bullets.

I stumbled out the door, feeling lightheaded from the fault. I swallowed more tears as I made my way down the hall and to James' room. I was unsure on whether or not to knock, my hand hovering before the door. Instead, I placed my ear against the door, listening in.

I felt dead inside once I heard James crying.

Each sob of his sounded more helpless than the last, adding more self resentment to fill my heart. Whatever was left of my heart. He was just on the other side of the door, he couldn't even make it two feet inside of the room without breaking down.

I wanted to go in there and apologize, but I knew he wouldn't care. I wanted to hold him in my arms, but I knew he'd push me away. I wanted to whisper sweet phrases into his ear, but he wouldn't believe them. I had hurt him too much, the proof was how his weeps got louder and louder as he cried on.

I couldn't help the tears pouring out of my eyes as I hated myself more than ever. I hurt the one I loved, I said no one could ever make me deny my love for him. The only person who truly could was myself. I acted so cruel to him, and it brought me down along with him.

I'm worse than my own weakness.

I'm my father's son.

"Speaking words of wisdom...

Let it be..."


	16. Chapter 16: Eggshell

I had difficulty getting to sleep. By that, I meant...I couldn't.

This time I kept myself awake. My thoughts of what I said repeated over and over in my mind. My eyes couldn't close for more than a second without seeing the memory of James before me. He was afraid of me, shaking all over as he took what was thrown at him. The innocence of him, the fear along with his silence, the tears running down his face.

And the tears running down mine.

I pulled my knees to my chest, sitting up from laying on my bed. I let my tears stain my cheeks and my pants, the feeling being so cold. Over the time of today, the blame for hurting James had gotten to me. It broke me in pieces as I felt myself drown. In tears. In regret. In self hatred that wouldn't go away.

James was only trying to help me, doing what he believed was right in his own way. He knew my parents didn't treat me right, but it was my mistake of being a coward and not telling him how badly they hurt me. He didn't know the fear they placed me in, the marks they gave me, the lack of confidence they supplied. All because I was too pusillanimous to confide in him.

I'm a stranger to love and everything else in the world.

My chest was beginning to ache, my breathing haphazard as each breath took a beating from my lungs. My head was starting to pound, these thoughts of mine made a ringing in my ears. My eyes were throbbing from the constant rubbing, but the tears were ceaseless. But, my heart hurt most of all. My love for James roared like a fire, but that fire was now burning me down. 

Now, my heart was empty. A black void, space less, a room that was caving in. I wanted to escape, but to where? I had nowhere, I had no one. It left me feeling so cold because in my heart, there was no warmth. Only the dark to be left in.

Not even the moon and the thousands of stars could glow bright enough to save me.

As I let out another whimper, I heard the sound of the door opening, a silhouette entering the room quietly. "Aleks, is everything okay?" I heard Steven's voice ask, followed by pressure being added onto the bed, advising that Steven had taken a seat.

I grappled with words, stuttering and   
mumbling as my sobs continued. "I...I hu-hurt James an-and now I fe-feel...s-so bad..." I told him, although that was something he already knew. Steven found me outside of James' door, my crying wasn't as violent as it was now. I was weak, my depression feeding on my energy. He helped me back to my room before I explained everything to him the best I could throughout my weeping.

I spent the rest of the day in my room, not even leaving for dinner. My crying, however, didn't pick up until it was time to go to bed. I tried my best to silence it, yet nothing could help. If I'm this bad...just imagine how James is taking things...

"Aw, hey, it's going to be okay, Aleks." Steven whispered to me, I could see his sympathetic eyes through the darkness. "Just calm down Aleks, take a breath." Steven informed me, the task was harder than I thought it would be. 

I tried to inhale the best I could, but my crying got to me once again. I shook my head, trying to tell Steven that I couldn't. Oxygen seemed scarce as it felt like I was coughing up my own lungs. My throat scorched from the struggle, and I knew the pain wouldn't fade so easily.

"I...I c-can't Steven, I...can't-t." I told him, pressing a hand to my chest, praying that my action would help. But as I've learned from the past, nothing could help me during my panic attacks. My actions weren't enough, and no one else tried to do any of their own. No one helped me in a time of need, and it only made the pain intensify.

"Hey, hey, it's alright." Steven soothed me as I felt myself become surrounded by his arms. "You can fight this, Aleks. Shh, shh, I have you." He murmured, rocking me back and forth. I placed my head on his shoulder, trying to steady out my breathing. But throughout all the pain I was experiencing, hurting James was the worst wound.

"It's okay, Aleks. You can do it, just try to breath." Steven muttered again before he began to hum to me. His voice was soft as I listened, it was nice to hear something peaceful for once. Not James' heartbroken cries, not my infuriated yells, not my unspoken apologies that James would ignore.

I was teaching him how to ignore the bad things in his life. I was one of them.

My breathing began to calm down while I felt Steven rub small circles into my back. It still hurt to breathe, but that was because I felt unworthy of the air. Unworthy of breathing, unworthy of blinking, unworthy of just living. When I was with James, he made me feel alive. And without him...I sunk like that razor in my skin.

And it killed me to remember that the   
reason he was gone was me.

I felt my eyes grow heavy as I closed them, my skin feeling tight due to dried tears. I nuzzled my head against Steven's shoulder, taking in his sweet scent. Steven smelled of the aroma of flowers with just a hint of vanilla. And I never wanted to let that scent go.

That was the last thing I remembered before drifting off in Steven's arms.  
* * * * * * * * * 

My lungs still ached. So did my throat. There was a new pain in my back along with the expected stinging of my eyes. My headache had gone away, but it was replaced with a sharp singe all over. My heart still weighed me down, feeling like a ton of bricks. I still felt weak.

I still felt terrible.

I barely got any sleep last night, my crying kept me up a good portion. Once Steven had allowed me to doze off, I woke up not long after. I was too weak to cry, so I just lay there, staring at the ceiling. All I had on my mind was James, he was my last thought when going to bed, and my first thought when waking up.

I really missed his curly, black hair. How I'll probably never feel it slide through my fingers again. I really wanted to hear his voice. How I made it afraid to speak above a whisper. I wanted to smile at his smile. Instead, I made him frown. How much I wanted to hold him close to me. Now, he probably wanted me far, far away from him. How I just wanted to gaze into his beautiful eyes. How I made those beautiful eyes cry...

I felt myself fall faster and faster, further and further.

There was a tapping at the door before Steven walked in, I glanced at his face before looking away. His expression seemed more distressed than yesterday. I closed my eyes, not wanting to face him, ashamed of what I had done to my...love... "Hey, Aleks." Steven whispered, sitting on the edge of the bed as always. "How are you feeling?" He wondered, resting a hand on my back gently.

I didn't know what to say so I just shook my head, telling him that I wasn't feeling the best. In fact, I was far from feeling the best. I had plummeted far down into the depths of despair, feeling the worst I had in years. To be frank...I think this was the worst I had ever been. I sighed, realizing that.

"I'm sorry, Aleks." Steven sympathized, his words sounding that he meant them. "I'm sure everything will be okay, it just seems a little all-over-the-place right now. It's going to be alright." He commented, aspiration with his claims. I wanted to believe them, but I knew if I got my hopes up, I'd be the one to slice them down.

Doing that is true pain.

"Why don't you go get some breakfast? I'm sure the others might make you feel better." Steven suggested, I opened my eyes to see him smiling contently. Usually his demeanor would lift my spirits, but right now, it felt like nothing could pick me back up from this ordeal.

I sighed as I nodded my head, agreeing to Steven's proposal. I took a large breath as I sat myself up, Steven placing a hand on my back to keep me steady. I closed my eyes, focusing on my breathing as I kept myself still. James was the one who supported me on everything. If he moved the slightest bit,   
it would knock us off balance.

He didn't move. I pushed him.

I didn't mean to, but because of that push, he's not coming back. I didn't know how lost I would be without him. He was the light that guided me to shore, but now I was sinking in the black water. He was the string that kept me together, but now I was scattered across the floor. He was the air that kept me alive, but now it felt like I had no life left in me.

"Here, can you stand up?" Steven wondered while I opened my eyes, the colors of white and blue attacking my eyes. I shrugged my shoulders, unsure if I was strong enough. I felt Steven hold one of my hands in his own, his other wrapping around my waist. He counted to three, the two of us standing up together.

I was a little wobbly at first, considering I hadn't stood up in quite some time. I soon regained control, being able to stand on my own without Steven's help. "Grab some breakfast, and then I want you to take it easy for the rest of the day. Okay, Aleks?" Steven recommended, opening the door for me. 

"Okay." I concurred, rubbing at my eye as I slowly followed Steven out of the room. I wasn't sure why I was getting all of this special care, I had been the one to hurt another. James is the one who deserves this. To be hummed to sleep when the crying takes over. To be given words to hold onto throughout the mess. To take it easy for the rest of the day to avoid more pain. James deserved this more than I.

I didn't deserve anything.

Steven led me to the cafeteria, him trying to start in conversation with me. My responses were only a few words long, I wasn't really in the mood to talk. One of the guidelines I followed here was just to start talking. But, who would want to listen to someone so terrible like me? The only sound that came from me was silence.

I was a little nervous on entering the cafeteria, afraid of the questions that would be thrown at me. Are you alright? Why were you crying last night? Why weren't you at dinner? Do you know where James is? Is everything okay between you two? ...okay...what I would give to be okay...

I sucked in a breath as I pulled open the door, not making eye contact with anyone. I kept my gaze at the floor, hanging my head, hoping no one paid attention to me. I entered the food court, searching behind the counter for Monica, but there was no sign of her. I had mixed feelings towards that. I was in need of comfort after last night, but at the same time, I questioned the comfort given to me.

I needed it, but I felt guilty receiving it.

I gathered my food and slowly trudged towards the table, forcefully aiming my head up and seeing more than feeling tears fill my eyes at the sight. There were two seats available meant for James and myself. James didn't even come to breakfast... The seats were right next to each other, both the off white color of eggshell. I wanted to take a seat, but I didn't want to deal with the loneliness beside me. Within me. Carried around by me. Everyone at the table was joking and laughing, smiling with one another as they shared their meal. They all seemed so happy, so meek, so blissful. That was everything I wanted to be. And I wanted to share that with James.

I had found Monica, she was talking with the others as well, standing by Jordan's side. I concentrated on the way Jordan looked at her with all the fondness in the world. Jordan still had a place for Monica in his heart, his love for her was strong. Unbreakable. True. From the moment he met her, he had found her to be so beautiful. And he still thought that to this day.

Monica turned to leave to attend back to her post, but before she did, she bent down and placed a kiss on Jordan's cheek. The two shared a glance, her eyes filled with the same love Jordan had for her. He smiled widely as she walked back, the others teasing and praising him. As much as it warmed my heart, it also cracked it.

Throughout the ups and downs they experienced, Jordan and Monica still had a deep passion towards one another. They've come a long way separately, but now they're here together, figuring everything out again. Finding out that they do and can still love. I wanted what they had. Love. Passion. Appreciation. Each word stabbed another knife into my heart, each mocking me continuously.

All I wanted was love, but I couldn't maintain a simple relationship without fucking everything up. Without breaking James' heart. Without breaking mine. Now, because of me, I've lost the one true person who wanted to show me his love. I've lost in the war of love. I've lost my heart. But, what I think hurts most is the fact that I lost James.

I lost the man who loved me. His care for me was much different than the others. He accepted me, not judging me about anything in my life. He held my heart in his hands, his touches were so gentle. I lost my heart. That was what James was to me, my heart. He was in everything I did, he was in everything of me. My heart, my mind, my thoughts, my dreams. My arms. My heart bled for him, but now...I was bleeding out. And with that, I lost something else.

I lost a friend.

That really took the gold.

I pushed away the tears as I turned away from our table completely, walking rather quickly to the exit. "Hey, Aleks!" I heard Spencer call, but I didn't turn around. I didn't look back. I didn't answer, or speak at all. I pushed open the cafeteria door, trying hard to hide my tears. I just kept walking farther away from the room, from the memories, from the realizations.

But, the heartbreak would still come trailing after me.

I kept walking until I found myself entering the west wing, my heart wanting me to go to my room immediately, but my mind had other plans. My feet stopped moving entirely as my eyes studied what was just to the left of me. James' door. A wave of tears washed over my eyes, making my heart swell as I heard that same familiar sound from yesterday.

James crying.

I walked towards the door, pressing my ear to it again like before. But, James wasn't alone in there as I heard another voice speaking to him. Trying to calm him down. "Don't cry James, it's going to be okay." Another man spoke, it was a voice I didn't recognize. It must have been his carer, Nick. "Shh, shh. Calm down, James. I'm sure everything will be alright. Don't let this get to you." 

"But...i-it has..." I heard James weakly whisper, his voice wavering as he sniffled. "It hurts..." He mumbled, making more tears escape my eyes. 

"What hurts?" Nick concernedly asked, his tone one of worry. James took a few long breaths before answering.

"...My heart."

I lost control at that. 

I backed away from the door and rushed to my room, not hesitating to open the door. I placed my tray down on my nightstand, making my drawings fall to the floor as I fell onto my bed. I began to sob again into my pillow, feeing the same pain James was talking about. But, our hearts burned for different reasons. 

His heart throbbed from being put down by a monster.

My heart ached because I was the monster.  
* * * * * * * 

I withdrew a breath as I left my room again, wiping my tear stained eyes. I hadn't cried this much in my entire life, I may have shed tears in the past, but not this many. I cried when my parents did what they did to me. I cried at the taunts and abuse from school. I cried when Domi and I had a falling out. It hurt so much, causing a storm cloud to become my heart.

But the pain from the past didn't compare to the pain of the present. The pain from the others didn't compare to the pain I could create.

I needed something that could keep me at ease for once. Something to distract me from the tears, the misery, the whispered words of James. Something to help take my mind off of things, Steven did say he wanted me to take the rest of the day easy. I knew one thing that always tranquilled my mind, something that allowed me to be stress free for a while, something that I loved doing with all my heart.

Drawing.

I made my way to the art room again, smiling at Artist Joe, as we nicknamed him, when I walked in. He smiled back, but his smile seemed a little sad once meeting my eyes. I knew why that was his expression, my eyes were red. My eyes were slightly puffy. My eyes were tired as sleep didn't come to me.

I blinked rapidly to keep myself awake.

"Aleks, hi." I heard the friendly voice of Seamus greet me. I smiled in return, taking a seat next to him at the table we sat at last time. Seamus looked better since then, the bags under his eyes were fading, turning from a dim ash to a light gray. He appeared more awake and yawned less often, he was getting the sleep he needed and I was pleased. "Are you alright?" He questioned, that was an inquiry I was scared to answer. "You look like you've been crying." Seamus noted.

I dipped my head, aiming it away from him as I closed my eyes. What was I supposed to say? How was I going to put things? What would Seamus think of me once I told him? Would he forgive me for my mistake? Or, despise me for hurting one of his closest friends? I just came here to escape from it all, but I should've known that I'll never be able to escape.

"I'm sorry, we don't have to talk about it." Seamus retracted his wonder. "I shouldn't have said anything, I'm sorry." That's how I felt towards James, I shouldn't have opened my mouth. I shouldn't have brought his burns up. Or his moment in Hell. I shouldn't have said anything at all.

"No, that's okay, Seamus." I told him, lifting my head up to his again. "It's alright to be concerned, you don't have to be sorry about that." I told him, trying my best to smile. It felt so weird, being so happy, yet at the same time being so sad. "And...to answer your question...no, I'm not alright." Seamus' eyebrows raised at that.

"What's the matter?" He asked while placing a piece of paper in front of me to which I thanked him. I grabbed at a colored pencil before I answered, sketching during my explanation to keep my mind off of crying.

"James and I got into a fight." I summarized, but then thinking over my words. "Actually...I'm the one who did the fighting...James just took it..." I felt myself get choked up, remembering how James didn't fight back. He was too afraid to fight back, and he allowed everything I said to him to come his way. That must have been how he was with his ex-boyfriend. He was too terrified to stand up for himself, so he just took punch after punch.

The tears were becoming harder to refrain.

"After I had told you all about myself, James brought it up during one of his meetings with Dr. Cardona. He thought it might have been a good idea for my parents and I to try and...become a family like we were before..." I used James' words, he explained everything to me in all honesty, and I couldn't forgive him. But, I do...

...I do...

"What James didn't know, what you all didn't know, is that my parents treated me worse than I described." My hand kept sketching away. "They're the reason I ended up this way, and I can never forgive them for that." I looked at my wrist, noting that I forgot to replace the bandage from yesterday. My cuts were out in the open for all to see. 

"What shocked me is that...they actually showed up. The both of them...and when I saw them, I felt so angry. They claimed they changed, but when I started to confront them, they reverted back to who they really were. The mom who liked to pretend that I wasn't there, and the dad who hated everything about me." I shook my head, keeping my eyes on my paper, letting my mind wander as I drew.

"I am...so sorry, Aleks." Seamus apologized once again, I could feel his eyes on me for a second before he glanced at my wrist quickly. "I...I can't believe what they did to you. I'm so sorry." I accepted his condolences, nodding my head at them.

I sighed, knowing what happened next in the story. "I went back to my room and told James what happened...and he started saying he was sorry. He didn't want for it to go that way, that he felt bad. And...I felt so betrayed by him. My parents ruined my life and he suggested that I see them again..." I let out a shaky breath, looking up at the ceiling before returning to my drawing.

"I started yelling at him, I wasn't watching my mouth and...I made fun of his burns and I said..." I swallowed the lump in my throat. "I said the only good idea he's ever had is...jumping off of this building..." I mumbled, it nearly killed me to have to repeat those dreaded words. I heard Seamus let out a sigh, I tilted my head slightly to see him hang his, shaking it in presumable disappointment.

"I didn't mean any of it...I don't even know why I said it, he was just helping in his own way and I...I hurt him..." So much pain was impacting my heart, I was just waiting for it to explode. "I went back to his room to apologize, but...I listened in through the door...I made him cry, Seamus." I admitted, wiping tears away with my free hand. "...And I just sat in front of that door for...God knows how long..."

There was nothing more to be said. Seamus didn't comment. I didn't open my mouth. But soon, our eyes were drawn to my picture, the colored pencil dropping from my hand. I drew the only thing on my mind, the one flashback that made my storm cloud for a heart burst.

James was sitting on one side of a door, I was sitting on the other. Both of us had our head in our hands, letting our feelings out in our own ways. James cried tears of blue, ones that represented sadness, hurt, pain, and suffering. A puddle of them surrounded him on his side. I was crying tears of red, blood pouring out from my heart as I was the one who had broken it. They ran down my hands and arms, creating a puddle around me on my side.

And that line for a door is what separated us. 

"It's beautiful." Seamus told me, resting a hand on my shoulder as he continued to look at the picture. "Sad, but...really beautiful." His voice dialed down to a whisper as he was fighting tears of his own. "I think you should give it to him. Let him know that...you need him." Seamus told me, picking up the drawing and handing it to me. 

I took it in my hands gradually, my eyes still scanning it. "Give it to him, it's okay." Seamus said again, giving me a smile for confidence. I nodded my head, agreeing as I stood up from my stool, and made my way out of the room. I fiddled with the picture in my hands the entire way to his room, not being able to take my eyes off of it.

That was how I saw us, James as the blameless one as I did more than just admit guilt. James didn't deserve to hear those words, coming from me especially. He sure as hell doesn't deserve this pain I placed upon him. But, I deserved mine. After what happened between us, I knew a punishment for me would be involved. And I was experiencing it every second of the day.

I just didn't know that it would be this hard to be dealt with.

I sniffled as I came across James' room again. I trembled as I stood in front of it, unsure of what I was about to do. But, I needed to listen to Seamus' advice. I wanted things to be great again with James and I, I wanted things to be fixed. But in order for some sort of amends to be made, one of us   
had to act.

James wasn't really in the condition to do that. So, I did.

I knelt down and slowly slid the photo underneath of his door, letting go of a breath as I was proud of what I did. Now, all I had to do was wait. Wait to see if he would reply. If I would get anything back from him, any message, any sign, anything at all.

I waited for the rest of the day.

And, I felt even worse when James didn't answer.


	17. Chapter 17: Cornflower

It had been two days since I hurt James' heart. Two days without seeing him. Two days without hearing him, two days without talking to him, two days without hearing anything back from him. Two days of missing him. Two days of loving him.

Two days of drawings being slid underneath of his door. 

Everytime I think about it, I feel myself crumble under the strain. The feeling of sending all of your love, but retrieving none returned, my heart starting to implode. I was tired, I was upset, I was hating myself day and night. Everything seemed meaningless without James, not even his ghost was there instead of him. 

The cafeteria table seemed empty without him, even though it was filled with people and conversation. My room seemed lonely without him, I missed his random visits. My bed seemed cold without him, whenever we had nothing to do, we'd either sing as I played, or we'd just lay in each others arms. 

My life seemed to be going through the motions without him. The motions of living, hurting, and crying.

I was in the art room again, that was where all my time was spent as of late. After drawing that first picture, I was driven to try again. I drew many more pictures, all drawn with vehemence, desire, and love. All pictures I've given to James to try and prove that I still love him, but the question is, does he still love me?

The answer to that I feared. Which is why I drew, to take my mind off of the stress.

The next picture I drew was of me laying down in a swarm of apologies. 'I'm Sorry', 'Please Answer', 'I Need You', 'Don't Leave Me'. 'I Love You'. All were different colors surrounding my body as I fell into them, letting them consume me. I tried to make my tears as prominent as possible. You could see my heart through my chest, it was covered in black and blue bruises. 

Those bruises were caused by me.

James didn't reply.

The next one was another memory, the two of us in my room as I played the guitar. But, instead of us singing, we were smiling at one another. I made my cheeks a little flushed as I looked at him with shy eyes, capturing the feeling I felt around him at one point. With him, I made sure to get all of the details correct. The way his curly hair had a mind of its own, how his beard was starting to creep onto his neck. The boldness of his smile, how his eyebrows raised when he grinned, the chocolate caramel color of his eyes...

Still no response.

But, I didn't give up.

I drew another of James, he had his long sleeve covering his burns again. Except, I didn't want him to hide them anymore. Not only had it been two days since this hassle, it had been two days without a bandage around my wrist. I wasn't afraid to show them anymore, and I wanted James to be able to show his battle scars, too. In the drawing, I was beside him, pulling up his sleeve to unveil his burns. I didn't need to write any dialogue, the message I was trying to get through was shown through our eye contact.

Don't be afraid.

My most recent one wasn't as creative as the rest. It wasn't a flashback, or any memory of the sort. It wasn't a message I wanted to get through to him. It wasn't another apology, it wasn't to show how I was feeling, it wasn't just another ramble from my mind. It was a dream, something I had longed for, something I had wanted, but something I'd never receive.

The next drawing was of James and I kissing.

I had always wondered what it would feel like with his lips on mine, but now I'd just keep imaging, I'd never really know. James held me around the waist, the two of us as close as we could possibly get. Both of my hands held his face, deepening the kiss as our lips collided. So much passion was put into the drawing, along with fear on what he would think of it.

A bit hesitantly, I slid it underneath of his door.

Nothing was all I received.

Now, I sat in the art room alone, looking at another picture meant for James. I didn't even know why I kept trying, James wasn't answering which meant he didn't want to hear from me. He didn't want anything to do with me. He didn't want...me. And these feelings bled into my work before me.

James and I were sitting in a giant heart, James on the left side, me on the right, our backs to each other. Except, this heart was broken, it was cracked at the top as the love left it. James was outlined in his favorite color, green, as well was my heart. To show that his place in my heart remained. Out of hope, I outlined myself and James' heart in red, my favorite color. I wasn't even sure if that was true, if there was still a place for me in James' heart anymore.

I felt myself begin to cry at that.

I didn't even know I was until a tear fell onto the paper, staining it with part of me. I backed away from the paper, wiping my cheeks while taking a few breaths, calming myself down. I was surprised that I could still manage to do that, it felt like my strength had been severed and thrown away. It felt like my courage had been diminished to nothing. It felt like my heart was infected and dying a painful death. 

But somehow, the tiniest piece of hope remained. Why...I wasn't sure.

I let a breath leave my lungs as I picked up the picture, my hands shaking as I left the room once again. I had been doing this all day. Drawing, delivering, waiting. Drawing, delivering, waiting. It was nearing the end of the day as I walked back to James' room, the skylights above showing the orange sun set outside. I always thought orange was such a peaceful color.

But peace was something I couldn't find. 

I made the trip back to the west wing, my hands still trembling as I searched for James' room. Jordan's...Spencer's...Kevin's... James'. I had seen the door so many times, I had it imprinted in the back of my mind. The wood painted white to match the rest of the layout, the handle silver as it stuck out towards the left. There was a small chip in the upper right hand corner, a dimmer shade of white beneath.

And, honestly, I was getting a little tired of seeing it.

I knelt down and placed the photo onto the floor like I had done with all of the others. And once I again, I slid it under the door, into his room, to him. Whether he would acknowledge it was all up to him. I sighed as I stood back up, about to return to my room as I heard a familiar voice call to me.

"Aleks." Eddie spoke to me, entering the west wing and making his way to me. He wore bright colors today, and I wished I could smile at the liveliness. "Aleks, Steven and Nick both told me what's been going on." Eddie informed me, his expression turned thoughtful as he started. I looked down, feeling my shoulders slump. "Would it be alright if you came to my office and we talk about it?" He asked, his brown eyes looked as concerned as ever.

I nodded, needing someone to talk to about what's been going on, on the inside. "Okay." I agreed, my voice quiet. Dr. Cardona gestured his head for me to follow, his sweet eyes studying me for a moment more before turning to head to his office. 

The walk was quiet, but I didn't mind. I was getting used to it, I barely spoke to anyone, and everyone thought it would be better if I had some time alone. Which I respected, throughout everything, it was nice to know that someone out there still cared about me. We arrived to our destination, the two of us entering in silence.

"How have you been feeling recently, Aleks?" He questioned, sitting down in his chair. I sighed as I did the same, trying to make myself comfortable.

"Not that good." I admitted, shaking my head as I dipped it. "I feel really bad about James." I whispered, tearing up by just saying his name. "Do...Do you know how he's doing?" I wondered, sniffling as I lifted my head back up.

"Well...there's a lot I can't share due to patient confidentiality. But, what I can tell you is..." Eddie sighed, removing his glasses. "He's having a hard time bouncing back. I know, bad news isn't really what you need right now, but what you said to him really did hit him hard." He explained, brushing back his hair. Based on those two actions, I could tell today had been a long day for Eddie.

My breath shook once I heard about James, tears refilling my eyes all over again. "I'm sorry, Eddie." I apologized, feeling my heart sink further down. "I didn't mean to hurt him, I swear." I mumbled, tears pouring down my face as I was desperate to rid myself of them. "I feel so horrible, I broke his heart. I hurt him so badly, and I just feel so terrible..." My breathing was taking an unsteady turn. 

"He won't talk to me, I-I haven't seen him in so long...I need him, I need him so much..." I felt another panic attack coming on, not sure if I would be able to go through another one yet again. "I l-love him, and-and it hurts to k-know I-I hurt h-him." I was having an emotional breakdown, anxiety piling high.

"Aleks, Aleks, it's alright." I heard Eddie tell me as I soon felt his arms around me, holding me close. "Calm down, calm down, it's going to be alright. Don't get too overwhelmed by this, I'm going to help you, okay?" Eddie clarified as I nodded my head, feeling bad for staining his shirt with my tears. "Just calm down, Aleks. It's okay, it's okay."

Eddie held me for a little while longer, patting my back as he reassured me with his words. I didn't know how much longer I could last like this, I was just waiting for the day I cracked. Waiting, yet also fearing. Because when I did crack, I didn't know what would happen. Who would be involved. What I was capable of. The fear of not knowing also stuck with me.

"Aleks," Eddie began, pulling away from our embrace to look me in the eye, "what were you doing outside of James' door when I found you?" He questioned, his look being one of confusion. I didn't know how to explain this to Eddie, so I just started from the beginning.

"I drew a picture for James yesterday...and Seamus said that I should give it to him to show that I still care about him. I do...I love him..." My voice trailed off as I swallowed, needing to continue. "I spent all day in the art room today, drawing more pictures for him. He said before that he really liked my drawings, and I just thought that...

"...they might make him feel better." 

Eddie smiled at that, it was small, but a smile is a smile. "You always come up with solutions before I do." He chuckled calmly as I needed to hear more. "What you're doing is the perfect way how to fix things with James. By trying to bond with him over something you both enjoy. Now, even if drawing for him doesn't work out, there are other possibilities of how to get his attention. You're smart, Aleks, you'll think of it." Eddie told me, his words making a light brighten my world.

James and I bonded over a lot of things over my time here. Drawing, back stories, jokes, reading, videogames. But, the one thing James really seemed to enjoy was when I played my guitar. The way his smile grew a bit wider, they way his eyes lit up, the way he couldn't help, but join me when I started to sing. If the drawings didn't work...maybe the music would.

"I think I know what to do." I muttered, seeing Eddie's smile broaden. "Thank you, Dr. Cardona. I really appreciate all of the care you've given me. Thank you." I praised, feeling a small smile find its way onto my face. It felt nice to smile, it meant I was happy. And understanding that made my spirits life even higher. If I was happy, that   
meant everything was going to be okay. 

James and I were going to be okay.

I gave Eddie a quick hug before exiting his office, the two of us sharing one last smile before I headed off to make things right. I made my way to the art room, but not to draw this time. I retrieved another piece of paper and wrote a note on it for James in   
black marker.

Meet me in the music room at 8.

I glanced up at the clock to the right of me, I had exactly ten minutes to get prepared. I took the note and walked back to James' door, my legs beginning to feel a bit worn out, but I knew that it would be worth it. I slid the note under his door, smiling in anticipation for what I was about to do. I scrambled to my feet, hearing myself giggle as I raced back to the foyer. 

My eyes searched for the music room, finding it when my eyes locked on the beautiful, mahogany guitar resting in its stand. I made my way into the music room, and finally met the instructor, Stefani, for the first time. She was a pretty woman, she reminded me of Domi. Her hair was thick and brown, resting on her shoulders sweetly. She was almost as tall as me, her eyes a dark brown and her lips wore a light shade of pink lipstick.

I explained my situation to her, asking if I could use the music room while she was gone as I saw I had caught her when she was beginning to pack up. She smiled kindly when I asked, finding my idea 'romantic', as she put it.

"Just make sure to turn the lights out when you're finished." She chuckled with her words as she picked up her purse from the floor. "I hope you win him back!" She told me, giving me the biggest hug in my life. Which...I was thankful for. She gave me a kiss on the cheek and a wave goodbye as she exited the room and left for her home.

I sighed, staring up at the clock. I had five minutes before James would be coming here. I walked over to the guitar, removing it from the stand as I sat in one of the chairs. I placed it on my lap, holding it as I played a few chords. 

This was going to be perfect.

All I had to do was wait.

8:00

I stared at the clock, my smile one of excitement as I felt my palms get sweaty. I couldn't wait to play for James, I knew the song that I was going to sing, the lyrics memorized and recited by heart. I couldn't wait to see his expression when he entered the room. Shocked at first, perhaps a little flustered with me. But...I knew how much he loved music, and his stern expression would soon become a forgiving smile.

I couldn't wait to just see him.

8:07

I bit my lip as I looked at the time, get a bit nervous. Well...he could just be running a little late...he might have been in the shower...maybe he just woke up from a nap...maybe he's coming back from another activity...

...maybe...

8:23

I practiced the song for the third time in a row, making sure I could play it superbly. Making sure my fingers were on the right strings, making sure they were in the correct frets, keeping my voice in tune. I wanted this to be amazing.

8:35

I got tired of sitting in the chair as it was starting to make my back ache. I was seated on the carpeted floor, my back leaning against the cool wall. My eyes kept glancing between the clock and the window, trying to see if James was coming into view. If he was coming down the hallway.

If he was coming at all.

8:49

My eyes were growing heavy, it was getting harder to keep them open as I strummed the strings to random beats. Fast. Slow. Loud. Soft. Short. Long. I had to stay awake, James was supposed to come. I couldn't fall asleep on him. 

8:56

"Aleks?" 

I turned my head towards the door to see Steven enter, a worried look in his eyes. "What are you doing in here? You should be going to bed soon." Steven told me, kneeling down in front of me.

I looked down, feeling even more heartbroken than in the start. "I gave James a note saying to meet me in here at eight..." I looked up at the clock as it was fourteen seconds past 8:57. "I was going to play for him...he liked it when I played..." I felt a lone tear fall down my face, my heart shattering just a bit more.

"Oh, Aleks..." Steven whispered, brushing a piece of my hair back that had fallen in my face. "I'm so sorry. Today has just been...too much for you." He commented, his eyes feeling sad as they continued to study me. "Here...why don't we get you back to your room?" 

I shook my head. "No, he...he might still come, Steven." I told him, lifting my head. "He...he will, there's still time." The clock was a few seconds away from 8:58. "Please, Steven...please, just-just five more minutes." I begged, the sympathy in Steven's eyes doubling. "Please." I whispered, just needing to hold on for a few minutes. I wouldn't give up on James so easily.

Steven sighed, nodding his head as he agreed. "Alright. Five more minutes. I trust you'll get back to your room on your own." Steven spoke as he stood up, letting go of another breath. "Good night, Aleks." He muttered, I could still hear the compassion in his voice.

"Good night, Steven." I replied as Steven began to walk away. He opened the door as I lowered my head again, closing my eyes at the sound of the door closing.

There I was.

Alone.

I heaved a sigh, resting my head against the wall as realization flooded my mind. James didn't show. He wasn't going to show. He got the note, he read the note, he ignored the note. He ignored me. The bad thing. It hurt, feeling his rejection. Knowing how he felt about me. Understanding that he didn't feel the way I felt about him.

I lost. I lost love. I lost strength. I lost James.

I inhaled sharply as I glanced up at the clock one last time.

9:14

I stood up leisurely, placing the guitar back in the stand before making my way to the door.

"Just make sure to turn the lights out when you're finished..." Stefani's words echoed in my mind, her timbre caring and pleasant.

"I will, Stefani." I whispered to the ghost of her. I flicked the lights off, the room was now completely dark. "I will..."

I closed the door behind me, keeping my head down at the ground. Though I couldn't see them clearly, I remembered the tiles to be cornflower and white. What I would give to see those colors again, but now, nothing but midnight covered my eyes. Midnight...

...and tears... 

The light in my heart had dimmed, dimmed until there was no light there. Blown out like a candle, smothered like a fire. Dying...just like all light eventually does. The beating had stopped. The pumping had stopped. The love...stopped. It left me feeling so empty, a glass case with nothing in it. A clam without a pearl. A human without one of the easy things in life.

Love.

And with that word came more tears.  
I made my way down the hallway, eyes as heavy as my heart. But, throughout the fatigue, my eyes were attracted to a source of light. I looked up, seeing that the light was still on in James' room, advising that he was still awake. He was awake and he didn't even come to me...

As much as I felt hurt, I knew I deserved it. I was expecting James to take me back just like that, but that was just my hope distracting me from reality. Distracting me from seeing that James wants nothing to do with me. He doesn't want my pictures. He doesn't want my music. He doesn't want me.

But, I want him. I want him so badly. Just to look into his eyes, just to hold him in my arms, just to listen to his voice. One last time. I made my way in front of his door, looking at it in the lack of light. I knew James was done with me...but I just wanted to say what needed to be said as a proper goodbye.

I sat down in front of his door, my knees pulled to my chest as I took a deep breath, letting it out quietly. I know what I wanted to say. So...I just let it all go.

"Yeah, I'll tell you something..."

I started, my voice quiet.

"I think you'll understand..."

I closed my eyes, letting another tear fall.

"When I tell you...that something....

I want to hold your hand...

 

I want to hold...your hand

I want to hold your hand..."

I sniffled because that was all I really wanted to do. Feel his fingers slide through mine, the way we both timidly smiled as we held onto another's hand. I missed that...so much...

"Oh please...say...to me

You'll let me be your...man

And please...say to me

You'll let me hold...your hand"

I thought I heard movement from the other side of the door, but that would've been too good to be true.

"Now...let me hold your hand

I want to hold your hand..."

More tears started to follow the first.

"And when I touch you...I feel...happy...inside

It's such a feeling that my love...

I can't hide, I can't hide...I can't hide..."

I took another breath.

"Yeah you...you got that something...

I think you'll understand...

When I...feel...that something

I want to hold your hand...

 

I want to your hand

I want to your hand...

I...want to hold...your hand..."

I finished with a whisper, my eyes letting go of countless tears. I let out a silent breath as I waited for something to come from James' room. Something. Anything. But, I didn't. Not a word, not a breath, not even a small sniffle. Nothing. I closed my eyes as I let my head fall back, feeling myself start to give up.

And when I gave up, that meant I had nothing to lose.

"I'm sorry, James..." I mumbled, wiping away a few tears running down my cheeks. "I...I didn't mean what I said before...not a God damned word..." I whispered as I heard my heart crack a bit more. "I'd take it back if I could...but...it kills me to know I can't...and that this is how it is, and I fucked everything up..."

I let out a few sobs after that, not being able to restrain them for much longer. I did fuck everything up, my actions and words ruined everything good I had, and now I was paying the price. It cost so much... "I'd, uh..." I spoke up again, my voice a bit more clear. "I'd understand...if you...didn't like me anymore...I get it...and it's okay, James." I pursed my lips before continuing.

"I...I just want you to know that...I wouldn't be who I am today if it weren't for you." I cleared my throat quietly. "You've helped me so much here, ...and I couldn't be more thankful." I paused, letting my breathing even out. "You taught me not to be afraid...you showed me how to enjoy every moment I have...you let me be me...you taught me how to smile again...

"...you showed me what love is..." I smiled at that as more tears started to consume me. "And I can't more grateful." My voice was getting quieter and quieter. "And I...hope nothing, but the best for your recovery here...

"...I'm sorry, James." I apologized again, hanging my head. I opened my mouth to speak again, unsure if I wanted to say my next words, but I put my second guessing to rest as I decided to say them.

"...I love you..."

I let my head fall onto my knees, tears falling like rain drops. So cold, so bitter, so...lonely. I began to quietly cry in front of James' door, feeling the final break take place in my heart. This was it, I knew I was bound to break one day. And it was about to happen, right now was the moment I was about to fall apart completely.

In 3...

...2...

...wait...

Just as I was about to throw myself into the flames, James' door opened. I lifted my head slowly, the light from James' room returned my ability to see. I met James' face, the face I had missed for two and a half days. The face I missed glancing at across the table, the face I missed smiling at whenever I got the chance, the face I missed seeing by my side wherever.

But...the face I missed...was angry.

His eyebrows were tensed, lowering towards his eyes. His eyes read that there was nothing in them, his lips parted into a fine line. I was afraid to look at that face any longer as I lowered my head back down, closing my eyes as I continued crying. I had wanted to see James for so long...he looked like he never wanted to see me again.

Which not only hurt me, but scared me.

I couldn't stop the sobs as I heard James kneel down beside me so he was on my level. I was terrified of what he would say, what he would do, what he would think. It made fear breakout all over me, making me shiver as more sobs racked my small frame. 

But...then it all stopped.

I felt James place his arms around me, hugging me as he pulled me closer to him. I opened my eyes in surprise, James was hugging me. After all the pain, torture, and detestation I put him through...he was hugging me... "It's okay, Aleks." James muttered, it felt refreshing to hear his voice again. Even more refreshing to hear what he was saying. "It's alright...I forgive you..." His words sounded as if I were in a dream, none of this could've been real.

"R-Really?" I asked him, seeing him pull away slightly as his hazel eyes found mine, the gaze being so comfortable. He wiped away a tear of mine with him thumb, I missed his touch. I reopened my eyes to see him nodding his head, replying to my question.

"Yes...I know, I should probably still be mad at you. But...after all this time without you, and listening to what you had to say...I realized something." I sniffled as I waited for him to say what. "I realized that...I love you, too, Aleks."

And as I understood his words, I felt his lips meet mine for the very first time.

It took me a second before I started to kiss back, his lips feeling like heaven. They were so soft as they moved in sync with mine, their taste was addicting, and this kiss had been worth the wait. He pulled away to look at me, the two of us slowly opening our eyes as we smiled at each other for the first time in a long time.

I felt myself tear up again as I threw my arms around him, holding him so close to me that I could feel his heartbeat against mine. I nuzzled my head into the crook of his neck, letting the tears pour as I smiled. James' arms held me in return, his lips planting small kisses on my neck and cheek.

We didn't speak, but the silence shared in this moment was breathtaking. Just like James. He saved me unknowingly, I was about to give way under all of the stress taking place. But, he came at the right time and took me away from it all. With his words, with his expression, with his arms, with his lips. He was piecing me back together...

...starting with my heart.

It had returned.

James lifted his head up, his lips centimeters away from my ear as he mumbled something to me.

"Your drawings were beautiful..."


	18. Chapter 18: Gray

"I'm not a big fan of dogs." Seamus added into the conversation at lunch, taking a sip from his cup of water. Today had been a pretty relaxing day, and that I was happy about. I had gotten the best night's sleep I've ever had here, and my morning was even better. Because I woke up in James' arms.

Last night had worn me down, life itself starting to get to me. But, the fear, depression, anxiety, and tears had been discontinued when James' lips met mine. Kissing him was the best thing in the world, the feeling making me seem saved. His eyes saved me. His arms saved me. His lips saved me. James, himself, saved me from the internal flames beginning to burn me. I thought the damage had been done, but I was taken away from from it all before it got any worse.

I didn't remember much past that as I fell asleep during our hug, too much of my energy being lost. But, all I know is I slept soundly. I wasn't awakened by a nightmare or the guilt slicing me all over. I wasn't kept up by any crying at all, from myself or someone else. I didn't get up because I was uncomfortable or sleep wouldn't arrive on time. 

I slept perfectly as James had carried me into his room, laid me down on his bed, and held me close as he rested his head for the night.

"What do you mean?" Joe asked, faking his shock. "They're so cute, and fluffy, and fun, and how could you not like them?" He laughed with his words as well did a few others, myself included.

"One bit me on the face as a child and now I have scar. That is why I don't like them, Joe." Seamus replied in a sarcastic manner, chuckling after as he smiled. The rest of us joined in, it felt good to smile again. It felt good to laugh again. It felt good to hold James' hand underneath of the table again.

"Well, I know the first thing I'm doing when I get out of here. Adopting a dog, and shoving it in your face." Joe joked, laughing as he fell back in his chair slightly. "So, what do you plan on doing when you get out of here?" He asked Seamus, then looked at the rest of us, wanting to hear our answers, too.

"I don't know...sleeping?" Seamus quipped, snickering at his own words. He shrugged his shoulders, shaking his head as he thought again. "I...I don't really know. Maybe catch up on videogames that came out when I was gone." We all shared a humble laugh at that.

"Well, I'm taking Lauren to the movies." Kevin smiled, glancing at me quickly, his eyes hinting at thanks. "Only problem is, I don't know what's out." He giggled at that, his cheeks glowing pink once more. Kevin's reactions to Lauren were adorable, the way his voice raised slightly when talking about her. When he couldn't help, but smile when mentioning her. The way his eyebrows perked up, he sat a bit straighter, his cheeks went through the stages of turning from pale pink to cherry blossom.

I couldn't help, but smile at that.

"I can't wait to sleep in my water bed again." Dex laughed at that, itching at jawline, his five o'clock shadow become somewhat thicker. 

"I think I'm going to have a Batman movie marathon." Another wave of laughter washed over the table, Dan's face turning pink as he did the same. I was glad to see him so cheerful, he hadn't had a shy day in a number of weeks.

"If there's going to be food there, I'll join you." Spencer commented, he had a few quiet chortles of his own as he placed down his fork. It was ecstatic to see that he had finished his entire tray, he was eating a lot more often now. He had gained some more of his weight back three or four pounds at least. "What about you, Jordan?" He wondered, finishing off his drink.

Jordan smiled as he turned around toward at the food court, looking at Monica as she worked. He moved back around in his seat, facing us. "I want to spend a day with Monica, and we can get to know each other again." He told us, smiling timidly as Dan playfully punched his arm.

"Just use protection, kids." Dex teased, smiling smugly as he snickered.

"Excuse me? I just want to take her out for the day." Jordan defended, going along with Dex's witticism. 

"Oh sure, that's what they all say." Dex mocked, throwing hands up into the air, laughing once more. "Anyway," Dex continued on, "Aleks, what do you want to do when you use your 'get out of jail free' card?" Dex referenced, pushing back his black hair.

I sighed as I shrugged my shoulders, I hadn't thought ahead that far. There was so much that I had left behind, and so much I wanted to get back to. So many new things I wanted to start. My fear had gotten the best of me, making my life excruciating to live. But, now, I had friends. I had love. I had inspiration to do whatever I wanted, and not care what anyone else thought. To return to old hobbies and habits was all I wanted.

"I think...I'm gonna to play my guitar again." I replied, remembering the day I placed it in my closet, fear causing my frown. But, I was looking forward to the day I would pick it back up, dust it off, and play it day and night. For myself when I have nothing better to do, or for James just...because.

"What about you, James?" Kevin asked, fiddling with his fork. "What do you want to do when you leave?" I looked over at James to the left of me, he looked down at the table while biting his lip, thinking of what to say.

"Well, after I'm done fucking the hell out of this one," He pointed to me as he laughed. I turned my head away in embarrassment, resting my head against my free hand as I felt my face turn tomato red, "what I want to do is hang out with all of you guys. Order out, play videogames, mess around with one another. That's what I want to do." 

We all loved the sound of that.

"What the hell are you doing?" James asked Spencer from across the table as I turned my head to look. Spencer was placing torn bits of tin foil in Joe's beard, the two of the laughing about it.

"He looks beautiful!" Spencer commented, placing another piece into it. He leaned back in his seat, closing his eyes as he laughed hard, Joe soon joining in.

"You are one strange creature." James chuckled as he spoke to Joe, shaking his head as Joe smiled like an idiot.

"We're all creatures, James." Joe replied, fluffing up his beard as Spencer laughed even harder. Joe's words, as ridiculous as they were, intrigued me.

"Creatures..." I mumbled under my breath. "We're...the creatures..." I said a little louder as the entire table heard. "The Creatures." I said I again, it sounding like the perfect group name as it fit us well.

"I like the sound of that."   
* * * * * * * * * * 

"Well, you seem happy today, Aleks!" Eddie noted, giggling as he sat down in his seat. "How is everything between you and James?" He questioned, leaning forward slightly in his seat. 

I couldn't contain my smile as I thought of my answer, thinking of what happened last night and into this morning. Last night was one of the roughest nights I had ever had, my heart aching from all of the tension. But, this morning, waking up in James' room, in James' bed, in James' arms made up for it. 

 

I inched my eyes open, sighing as I was still fighting the remains of sleep. I yawned quietly, opening my eyes fully to find myself in a room that wasn't mine. The bed wasn't in the same place, neither was the door to the bathroom, or the door to leave. I recognized it, but in my just awoken state, I couldn't process where I was.

Until I heard quiet snores come from my right.

I looked over in that direction as I sat myself up, seeing a sleeping James laying next to me. He had his eyes closed lightly, his hair a wild mess, his chest slowly moving up and down as snore after snore emitted from him unknowingly. I felt my heart melt at the sight of him, he never looked so beautiful.

I placed a light kiss on his forehead, trying not to wake him, but failing in my attempt to do so. He inhaled sharply, his eyelids fluttering open to reveal his mesmerizing, brown pupils. His eyes soon found mine as he smiled, sitting himself up as well, the blanket removing itself from him.

"Good morning." I greeted him, shyly blushing as he rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, patting down his hair with his other hand. He swallowed, taking in another breath   
as he turned his head towards me.

"Morning." He replied, resting his shoulder against the wall as he faced me directly. "How'd you sleep?" He asked, his voice still a little scratchy from his slumber. He cleared his throat quietly, swallowing again.

"Good." I answered, nodding my head. "And you?" I questioned, scratching at the top of my head as I craned my neck to stretch it out.

"Very well." James replied, his voice rather quiet as his smile beamed brighter. I let my arms fall to my sides as the two of us just stared into one another's eyes. I had missed the sight of his, so magnificent that they just melted my heart. "I love you." He whispered, creating tears to form in my eyes. Through everything we had experienced, James still wanted me in his life. He still wanted me as his love. He still loved me.

"I love you, too..." I mumbled, feeling a real smile engulf my face. "I'm sorry about what I said to you...I didn't mean to hurt you..." I felt myself pick up where I left off last night, tears forming in my eyes another time. James lifted a hand, wiping away tears that had trailed down my pale cheeks, a look of sympathy plastered on his face.

"It's okay, Aleks, please don't cry." James whispered, cupping my cheek as he stroked it with his thumb. "It's alright, I know you didn't mean it. It's okay, believe me when I say it's okay." He smiled with his words, causing mine to reappear. After he has said them, he placed his lips to mine again, placing us in a gentle, but meaningful kiss.

He pulled away, placing one last delicate kiss on my lips, the two of us sharing a humble grin. As his hand still held my face, I noticed his long sleeve pulled down a bit, to reveal the beginning of his burns. He followed my gaze, his eyes traveling to see what I saw. He sighed insecurely, about to pull his sleeve back down before I stopped him.

I placed my hand on his arm, blocking the sleeve from going any further. He looked up at me as he removed his hand, allowing me to pull the sleeve up a bit higher before I bent my head down, placing a kiss where the burns began. As I pulled away, my eyes found his again, his trying to avoid tears, but lacking. 

"It's okay, James." I muttered to him, rolling his sleeve up to his elbow, allowing the burns to be shown. "I love you." I returned to his eyes, his losing control as he bit his lip, I had unknowingly repeated his mother's last words to him. But, he wasn't upset with that, he was smiling at my love for him.

I wrapped my arms around him, hugging him as he cried into my shoulder, his arms snaking around my middle. "I love you...I love you so much, Aleks...I love you..." James mumbled over and over into my ear, holding me just a bit closer.

He really did love me.

And I really did love him.

"We've never been better." I answered Dr. Cardona's question, my face beginning to ache from smiling, yet I couldn't help, but do it. "So much happened last night, I don't even know where to begin..." The two of us chuckled at that. "But...what I can say is that...James really does love me, and Jordan was right on saying that love is the best feeling I could ever experience." I bit my lip timidly, feeling myself rise from the hole I dug, one I believed that I would never get out of.

"I'm glad to hear you two have figured everything out." Eddie commented with a true smile of sentiment. "I must say, ever since you're met the others, more specifically James, your progress here has really sky rocketed. There have been a few rough patches here and there, some harder to deal with than others, but you've come through, and you've gotten stronger.

"And, as much as I'm not supposed to share this with you, James seems much happier with you in his life. Whenever we have meetings like this, you are all he can talk about. A joke you made during dinner, a picture you drew for fun, a hug you gave him that made him feel so much better." I looked down at Eddie's desk as he spoke, feeling my blush deepen.

"This relationship of yours is really helping him, and I think it's been helpful to yourself as well." He concluded, the look in his eyes just topping off the endearment with his words. "Which...has really made me think recently. Throughout your time here, you have been recovering faster than I first anticipated. You've understood your mistakes, you've been completely open, you've been making others feel better during your time here. And...it made me really narrow down on everything.

"By that I mean, I've taken a much closer look at everything you've done, and I don't believe you need so much extra time here as I once thought." My eyebrows raised in anticipation. "Aleks, in a little less than a month, you will be returning home." Those words sounded more comforting than 'a release date'.

"A little less than a month?" I clarified, not being able to hold back my joy. I stood up from my chair and basically ran around Eddie's desk, showing him my thanks by giving him a hug. "Thank you, thank you, thank you for all of your help." I whispered again and again, hearing Eddie chuckle in my ear. "Thank you for everything..." Tears of joy felt much better than tears of sadness. 

The ones of sadness were cold.

The ones of joy were warm. 

I smiled at that. Warmth never felt so good.

After a few more minutes in Eddie's office, I found my way back to my room, opening the door while taking a breath. And I felt even better once I saw James waiting for me on my bed. He was sitting on the edge, smiling at me when I entered, his eyes glowing bright. "What happened?" He questioned, his lips pursing as he grinned.

"I'm going home in a couple of weeks." I told him, an expression of delight still covering my face. James laughed with happiness and surprise at that, his smile growing by the minute. I couldn't control myself, there was too much joy just for myself, I wanted to share it with my...

...boyfriend.

I walked closer to him and gave him a deep kiss of passion as I straddled his waist. I held the back of his head, intensifying our kiss as his hands held my sides. I felt so much desire towards this man, from the attributes everyone's told me, from what I've actually experienced with him. He's more than the eye can see, he has layers of emotions, desires, dreams, fears, and personality. He's more than I could ever ask for.

To anyone else, they'd just judge for being in this clinic. Pinpointing everything about him, ridiculing him, asking too personal of questions, teasing him, questioning him. But, I'd never let that happen to him. He's my man in the mirror, the one I look to in a time of need. He's my source of light in the dark, the one I need to help me see. He's my hope through a time of need, the one thing I can hold onto. 

He's my heart.

Need I say more than that?

I pulled away, my hands sliding to hold his cheeks, our eyes locking with pure affection. Yet, there was a hint of slight sadness in James' eyes. I wondered why, but after taking a closer look, I realized what it was about. After I got out, James wouldn't have me to visit with. He wouldn't have me to draw pictures for him. He wouldn't have me to lay down next to, hold hands with, hug, kiss, or have me to sing with.

Once I was out of here...would there still be an us?

That was the question he was afraid to answer.

"You know...when the both of us get out of here, we can get an apartment." James began to smile at that. "We can get back on our feet with our jobs, get in contact with all of the others, we can start a life together." James seemed pleased and relieved with my answer, the sadness in his eyes fading and replaced with readiness for the future.

"That sounds amazing..." He commented, his words breathless. "I can't wait to be with you then...but until then, I want to be with you right now...doing what we love." I knew exactly what he meant as he picked up the guitar he had behind him, my excitement making it oblivious to me until now.

We both laughed as I made my way off of his lap, he handed me the guitar gently as he smiled, waiting for me to begin. Music was something that connected us, James loved it just as much as I. Not only that, but his voice was so beautiful when he sang. He was shy with it, which I respected. But, the second he joined in...

...it made me want to kiss him all over again...

I strummed a few chords like I always did before I began, trying to think of a song to play. Only one came to mind, one that matched the words Eddie had spoken to me. The only reason I got better was because of my friends, all the advice, compassion, courage, confidence, and appreciation they had supplied me. If it weren't for them, I'd still be here in a few weeks from now. I wouldn't be thinking of the future, a life with James that sounded like our own slice of heaven.

The way I got here was just with a little help.

"What you do if I sang out of tune? 

Would stand up and walk out on me?"

James giggled as he listened.

"Lend me your ear, then I'll sing you a song

And I'll try not to sing out of key"

I raised my voice a bit louder.

"I get by with a little help from my friends."

James decided to steal the next lyric from me.

"He gets high with a little help from his friends."

We both laughed at that, snickering like a bunch of idiots.

"I'm going to try with a little help from my friends."

Our song was interrupted though by a loud clap of thunder from outside, both of us staring out the window at the sudden fall of rain. Funny, throughout all of the great things that had happened today, the clouds were still a little gray.


	19. Chapter 19: Saffron

Those weeks went by in a flash.

In the blink of an eye, in the taking of a breath, in a simple turning of the head, they disappeared. It went by too quickly, I wish I could go back and retrieve them, to live them over just one last time. To really cherish every moment a little bit more, to say goodbye to each second as it passes, to really let myself know that I won't be coming back here.

But, that feeling was pushed onto me as I began to pack my bag.

I had just finished my last breakfast here, the table being filled with farewells and good lucks. I knew it would've been filled with more, but it was just the five of us. James, Jordan, Dan, Seamus, and myself. Well, now I didn't need to include myself as now it would just be the four of them.

Joe was released a few days after Eddie told me my news. I had missed him around the center, his friendliness, his humorous jokes, his eccentric personality, his heart warming laugh. He was one of the most kind people I had ever met, and I couldn't wait to hear what life had in store for him.

Spencer left a few days after, throughout the few weeks that flew by, he had weighed back to his normal weight, and had been able to maintain it. He ate regularly, and never left a thing on his plate. It was a huge improvement from before, when he'd barely touch at anything, he'd take a bite if we were lucky. I was glad to know he was healthy again, and I knew he wouldn't let anyone's words control him. 

Kevin had left a week later, he didn't want to leave the confides of familiarity, but he knew it would carry on with him as he still had us. And Lauren. He was nervous when his release date drew nearer, a bit scared to be without my advice when his date with Lauren came about. He kept turning to me as I calmed him down, telling him that if he truly loved Lauren, he'd know what to do.

He smiled.

Dex left four days ago, the table seemed a bit lifeless without his exotic accent. I missed hearing him crack up at his own teases, his sarcastic comments in other's conversations. I missed the brightness of his silver eyes whenever he'd laugh, I missed the quirky faces he would make just to see others snicker, I missed the random personality of his that fit him oh-so well.

But...it wasn't like I would never see them again.

We all exchanged phone numbers and addresses at our last dinner as an entire group. And we all swore, as soon as that last person stepped foot into the world again, we'd all see each other. Catch up. Hang out. Talk. Joke. Smile. Tease. Laugh. And, most importantly, enjoy each other's company. Feel at ease for once in my life. Take a step back and relax.

And love every experience with the people around you.

As I started to pack my bag, there was a knock at the door. I turned to see Jordan in the window, his grin making me do the same as he entered the room. "Hey, Aleks." He greeted me as I addressed him back. I was glad he came to stop in, it gave me something to distract me from packing up. I didn't want to. I wanted to stay here, and see all of my friends, sit in that cafeteria, draw in that art room, play a failed attempt at basketball, try to find something to read in that library, play that guitar and sing with another lovely voice.

Lay down in James' bed with him holding me through the night.

The many memories made here.

But as I knew I would forever have them, it felt like I was leaving them here.

"What's going on?" I asked him, turning around from my bag. 

"I just wanted...to say goodbye one last time." Jordan told me, his voice sounding a bit choked up. "I really want to say thank you for being such a supportive person towards all the others, and myself. You really are an inspirational person, Aleks, whether you see it or not. I just want to say thank you again for everything you've done to help me, seeing you try with James really made me want to try again with Monica. And...things are getting much better between us, and I can't more grateful for your help." Jordan started to tear up, smiling to try and rid himself of the inevitable.

"I really hope you do great things out there." Jordan praised me, referring to the rest of the world. "I know you can." I wiped away a tear of my own as I stood on the tips of my toes, hugging Jordan so closely. He held me back as I mumbled 'thank you' after 'thank you' to him.

It wouldn't be long until I saw Jordan again, he was leaving in two days. He was much better than when he first arrived, and he hadn't had a bad day in the longest of time. He was excited for the future, wondering what was in store for him. What would become of himself and Monica, all I wished for was the best. I could tell that love was still in their hearts, either noticeable, or hidden. But, I knew sooner or later, that love would become revealed.

Jordan's future was looking up.

We pulled away, giggling humbly at the words exchanged between us. Jordan let go of a breath before he studied me a minute, leaving me wondering what was going through his mind. But, I knew exactly what he was thinking by his next action. He lifted a hand and removed his red cap, fiddling with it in his hands.

"Aleks, I want you to have this."

He handed me the hat, but I was reluctant to take it. "Jordan, I can't." I told him, feeling my heart begin to cry at the sympathy. "That hat means a lot to you, I can't accept this." My words made a smile grow on Jordan's face.

"It's okay, Aleks. Monica told me that when she was searching through boxes in her attic...she found my original hat." I grinned at that. "I have that one, and I want you to have this one." He gestured to the hat again. "As a thank you. For everything." He explained as he stepped forward, placing the hat on my head. It was a bit big as he chuckled while pushing it out of my eyes. "There." He mumbled, taking a step back. "I like it. It suits you." He teased, repeating the words I had said to him so long ago.

How time flies...

"Well, I'll let you get back to packing." Jordan made his way towards the door, smiling at me before he left. "See ya around, Aleksandr Marchant." He departed with that, the two of us chuckling.

Aleksandr Marchant.

I smiled at the name.

I turned back to my bag, packing up the rest of my clothes and my drawings. I reminisced at all of them before placing them into my bag one by one. Yet, my eyes fixated on the newest of the collection. It was one by Seamus he had given it to me before breakfast, and I couldn't take my eyes off of it.

It was a continuation of one of my drawings, the first one I sent to James with us crying tears of red and blue. Except, this one was happier. The door that separated us before was gone, opened, allowing us to see each other. James and I were still sitting in the ground, but not by ourselves. We were holding each other, tears of merriment and delight escaping our eyes. We were still surrounded by a puddle of red and a puddle of blue, but our new tears created a better color.

Purple.

Purple tears streamed down our faces as the two of us smiled, glad that we had one another again. And, our old pools of sadness and detestation flooded into one another, mixing, and creating the same neutral color to enclose us.

I loved it with all my heart.

I zipped up my bag, it being awkward to hold since only one handle remained on it. But, I didn't mind. It was better than remembering what happened to the other strap. I lifted it up onto my shoulder, and left my room, saying goodbye one last time.

As I made my way down the hall, I remembered my last conversation with Dan here. He had apologized due to him being unsure of what to get me. I told him that it wasn't a big deal, all of the laughs he had given me in my time here was enough. He smiled at that as we shared a hug, our embrace making me grin ear to ear.

I was actually going to miss this place. All the experiences I either enjoyed, or let do its damage. All the people I've met, either easily, or with a bit of trouble. All the activities I've come to like, and I wanted to continue them on the outside. How much this place had really changed my life around through the heartbreaks, and uplifts. Through the good times, and bad. Through the nightmares and good dreams. 

I've learned from them all.

I couldn't wait to start living.

"Hey." I heard such a well-known voice call to me. I turned my head to see James standing in the door way of his room, and I couldn't help, but smile when I saw that his long sleeve had been lifted up. He was taking my advice and not being afraid, his saffron wounds came from a dark path, but they made him look beautiful. Now matter how insecure he felt. I walked up to him, greeting him with the same word. "I...uh...I have good news." He told me, blushing shyly. "I'm getting released next week, next Wednesday." I've never seen his eyes glow that brightly before.

"That's so great!" I congratulated him, opening my arms for a hug to which he accept almost immediately. "Oh my god, I can't wait to see you again." I whispered to him, feeling tears begin to prick my eyes. I pulled away, seeing James' cheeks flushed as he timidly smiled. Yet, when he lifted his eyes up from the ground, a bit of sadness found its way into view.

"I'm going to miss you though..." James mumbled, his smile fading away. "I know...it's going to be just a week, but...I don't know what I'll do without you." He looked worried, I had been the one person that he based his whole world around. A week wasn't so long, but I couldn't stand being away from him for that much time either. Who would I draw for? Who would I lay with? Who would I sing with?

But, I knew, if I really loved James, I'd be able to wait. And, I knew how to make him be able to do the same.

I cupped each side of his face and planted a kiss on his lips, the smallest ones always meant the most. I pulled away, half lidded   
eyes staring at half lidded eyes. 

"Close your eyes and I'll kiss you..."

I sang a lyric as I met his lips again for a few seconds.

"Tomorrow, I'll miss you..."

I stole another kiss as James smiled into it, chuckling at what I was doing.

"And remember, I'll always be true..."

This time, he placed his lips to mine.

"And while I'm away...

I'll write home everyday..."

I was reluctant to pull away again.

"And I'll send all my loving..."

I pushed my lips against his again. "To you..." I spoke before sealing our lips with one final, long, purposeful kiss. We pulled away, the two of us beaming at the sight of our affection. "I love you." I mumbled, kissing James on the cheek, a kiss that he would remember.

"I love you." He answered, his eyes filling with more love than I had ever seen. "I'll see you soon." He muttered as I took a step away out into the hall.

"Unless you go blind in a week." I joked, the two of us laughing at that. I walked up to the west wing doors and pushed opened them open, this would be the last time I walked through the foyer. Steven was waiting for me near the building's exit, a smile on his face appearing when he saw me walk towards him.

"You ready?" He asked, punching in a security code to unlock the door. I nodded my head, humming in approval, although in the back of my mind, I never wanted to leave. The buzzing was heard that signaled that the door was unlocked. Steven opened it and held it for me, I took a breath as I stepped inside.

The door led us down a narrow hallway one person wide as I trailed behind Steven, adjusting my bag on my shoulder. I took another breath, remembering the feeling of James' lips on mine as the door at the end of the hallway drew nearer. And nearer. And nearer, until Steven rested a hand on the handle.

But before he pushed it open, he turned to face me to exchange our last words.

"I'm really proud of you, Aleks. I'm going to miss you, but I think it's a good thing if I don't see you again." I laughed at his joke, his chuckles just adding onto the bliss I was feeling.

"Thank you, Steven." I thanked him as I found myself hugging him for the last time. "Thank you for all of your help." I held onto him tighter for a few more seconds before backing up, preparing myself for the outside world again.

"Goodbye, Aleks." Steven stated, his smile sad as he didn't want to see me go.

"Bye, Steven." I answered before Steven pushed the door open, the sunlight feeling fresh on my skin.

I took a step out, a step into a new life.


	20. Chapter 20: Silver

It was beautiful.

My life. How changed. How different. How...happy. How my world was surrounded by sunlight, blue skies, undeniable love. From friends, they way they cherished me dearly. From myself, I finally accepted myself for who I was. From James, who covered me in kisses.

It was beautiful. 

I woke up this morning like I did every morning, next to a silently snoring James. Whenever I see him, I can't help the smile appearing onto my face. I've found someone who really loves me, not a girl who promised to care for me, when she knew on the inside that it was a lie. I've found a man who understands what I went through because he has had a similar background.

He's suffered from abuse from another, hurting on the inside and out. He's had to hear so many tantalizing insults, fear inducing put downs, ear covering yells and screams. He's had to deal with bruises that felt permanent. He's had to deal with the tears being punched out of him. He's had to deal with cuts, scars, burns.

He's had to deal with an absurd amount of fear.

Fear isn't easy to handle, it's not simple to control. It can eat away at you, consume your mind, tear you limb from limb, and leave you to bleed out in pain. But, I've found a way to ignore it, to push it away until it becomes irrelevant. And, I'm teaching James how to do the same. He can be strong, but we all have our weak spots. We all have our insecurities. We all have that part of us that drags us down.

Yet, I learned that that was just a placebo. If you think there's something wrong with you, then you begin to believe. I may have turned down the wrong road, but I've found my way down the right path, and now I'm okay. James is beginning to see that too, he shouldn't swallow the scornful affronts shoved down his throat. He's brought himself back up from that, and he's hearing the truth about him from me.

James is amazing. He's smart, he's sensitive, he's hilarious, he's helpful, he's brave. He has a glorious voice, fun curls that I want to play with all day long, sweet compassion that he shows towards others, lovely eyes that will just take your breath away. He's beautiful. He's motivating. He's the reason for my smile.

He's my heart. He's my love.

And, not only has change been addressed to myself and James, it has found its way towards the others as well. 

Jordan did take Monica out around town that one day like he dreamed of. He took her to the movies and to the park thereafter, spending the rest of the afternoon together, as he told us. On the car ride back, Monica told Jordan that she still loved him throughout what they've been through. The two are now starting over, and have been going strong for almost two months.

Dan always joked that he would never find love with his condition, but I knew deep down he believed it. Yet, he proved himself wrong as he met a girl at his new job, her name being Liz. Whenever the group met up, he'd always say how pretty she was, her brown hair, her little glasses, her smile, her laugh. She accepted Dan for who he was, and wouldn't dare break his heart.

But, along the good times, some heart break was involved.

Kevin and Lauren broke up during their second date, the news making me worried about Kevin. But, the next time I saw him, he seemed to be doing fine. His paranoia didn't kick in since the break up, he was sad about losing her, but happy to know that he still had her in some way. He and Lauren still managed to remain friends, seeing each other often. Although they didn't work out, their friendship has been much stronger.

Dex was afraid that when he returned to the outside world, he would succumb back to drug use again. He knew how hard it was trying to stay off of heroin, and most people who struggled soon gave into the fight. But, with support from us, his Narcotics Anonymous meetings, and therapy classes, he's been doing just fine. Dex was four months clean, and he just wanted to move on from there.

Even Seamus had good luck come his way. After his passion with art had been awakened, he was taking an art class at a nearby studio. There, he had met a girl named Ashley, he didn't speak much of her, but I could tell he was in love whenever he did. Though, he was in fear of her rejection when he shared his back story, he told her nonetheless when she became interested.

The two are still together to this day.

After returning home, Spencer was a bit afraid to find love again. He didn't want it to end abruptly and have himself believing the half-minded insults. Though he had fear, love still found its way into his heart. After agreeing to a relationship, Spencer knew he was going to be okay since he understood that his love already accepted him.

Spencer and Joe have been seeing each other for a month.

And as for James and I...we couldn't be more madly in love.

Everybody makes mistakes, it's part of growing up, it's part of learning, it's part of living. It's up to you on whether to forgive them, or let them weigh you down. But, I'd suggest the first one. I've made many mistakes in my twenty-three years on this earth, that I will admit. But, I want everyone to know that it gets better. No matter what mistake you made, what path you took, what grave you dug yourself, that in the end...

...your heart will be at peace.

Every cloud has a silver lining. You just have to keep looking up to see it.

I'm happy. I'm proud. I'm better.

I'm Aleksandr Marchant. And, I'm glad to say I love that name.


End file.
